It’s working!

I’ve been on this forum for eight months —making all sorts of mental and emotional headway. But this week was my first dramatic physical breakthrough!

About 5days ago, I was getting ready to head upstairs to bed when my legs completely shut down on me. My left leg twisted so that I could only walk on the outside edge of my foot and it felt like a knife was in it. I was so weak. I couldn’t lift my legs to go up the steps. This was new.

At first I was terrified. But then I knew better. I was furious. I started screaming at my TMS brain that “it is NOT in charge. I AM!” I kept up a steady stream of this while I forced myself to move through concrete and pain to get up the steps. It was really hard. And if I didn’t truly believe I have TMS (and in prayer!) I would have quit.

I writhed in pain all night. At one point my legs and feet were contracting in so much pain I could have cried. (But I didn’t want to give my TMS brain the satisfaction.) I sat on the side of my bed and through gritted teeth yelled some more at my TMS brain.

The next day I did two cleaning projects that I would have thought I couldn’t do. I chose them on purpose for that. I don’t normally do cleaning projects since I got TMS. Both projects symbolized a new start for me. They made me feel fresh and organized. They gave me hope. I did them in massive pain—and you guessed it—yelling at my TMS brain. “I’m in charge! Not you! We are safe! You are clueless.”

I went down the steps and dreaded the battle I would face to get back up later that night. I kind of felt it was do or die. I was going to die trying. When bedtime came I made it up the stairs. It wasn’t pretty, but slightly less difficult than the night before. The entire day I talked nonstop to my brain. Sternly. Meanly. I told it to stop.

This all went on another day, with symptoms subsiding only slightly. I was still battling my leg being tilted.

On Day 3 I woke up and things were startlingly BETTER!!! I could actually feel the bottom of my feet. I haven’t felt that in 4 years. My leg was straight! That night, I could climb the stairs more easily than I have all year. I was OVERJOYED!!!

Today I was back to my regular old TMS self—only slightly better. And all day I’ve been yelling at my brain.

Things will never be the same for me now!!! I’ve turned the corner. I’m going to GET MY BODY BACK! All my hard work and study is paying off! It’s just a mater of time.

My biggest takeaway is—the TMS battle is won when it’s hard. Not when it’s easy. You have to stand up for yourself. You have to be mad!

I’ve been waiting so long for this!!! I hope it gives others hope! Because THERE IS HOPE! Don’t give up!

Thank you so much to everyone here who has been patiently helping me!

 

Such great news! I still battle like this all the time, but it’s worth it for all the things I can do. I can do more than I can’t now.
Keep going! You are finding the way!

 

Wonderful Diana! I'm not surprised since this method works and you didn't give up!!!

Two things I notice in your report. Huge breakthrough, and then some return of TMS symptom baseline. Very normal as you know. When we really experience a distinct lack of chronic symptoms, this is huge. It goes deep and teaches parts of us that the gig is up, and teaches other parts that there is nothing to fear. And that we're under the effect of a mindbody syndrome, not physically hurt. The effects of this experience are far-reaching and deep.

I had an experience of expecting foot pain, and like a miracle it was not there (first time in years). Even though the pain returned, it was less and did not scare me as much. It was the beginning of the end of years of misery.

Second thing is the way you used your anger. The way I understand it, anger is a boundary maker. While not everyone benefits from yelling through the pain and commanding a response, the core, to me, in its success is the boundary-making. You're not lost in it any more. You're not lost in the familiar relationship with the symptom, with you playing the part of a victim, and it having the strength. You're having a relationship which is assertive and not enmeshed. Similarly, in my opinion is the action of "pushing through the pain," as you did. ( It is not something everyone will benefit from as you probably know.) It is a way to put the locus of control back in you. Saying and feeling you've "had enough" is deeply empowering after a long time of being a victim.

This is one benefit of learning to work dismissively with the Inner Critic. We're empowered to be ourselves in relation to the conditions we meet, which builds inner strength. I honestly don't see success in TMS work without the person somehow summoning a core strength. This is partly what "outcome independence" does in my opinion. It creates healthy boundaries between what we are and what we experience.

Bravo and Congrats!!

 

I am SO happy for you!
And again, super inspiring, also a good reminder for me is “the TMS battle is won when it’s hard. Not when it’s easy.”
It gave me some new fighting energy!
We’re doing this!

 

Congratulations Diana, very help for your improvement!!

I think TMS is sometimes desperate in its strategy and it backfires splendidly hahaha

 

Yay! Thank you for sharing this! It is very inspiring!

 

Andy, This is exactly right! It was the first time I drew the line. I didn’t feel like a victim for once. And now I also know that I fought the battle with my very core, like you said. I used my will against it. And mixed with the anger I also kept explaining to it —“ you don’t know enough to keep us safe. You aren’t the best one to keep us safe.” Like it’s a little child—which it is (only reptilian lol) Thank you so much for this feedback! I’m bookmarking.

 

Exciting, Cactus! I can keep using this to win!

 

So happy for your success! You are an inspiration to many who are struggling. Keep going and keep posting.

 

OMG, Diana, you are winning!!!! Congratulations!