Day 25 It has no beginning or end

When I originally "recovered" from TMS, I was sure that I had "solved" the problem of my physical pain symptoms. The fact that it would arise again and again in my life over the years following my first reading of Sarno's book never occurred to me as a sign that I still had a lot more work to do. It wasn't until my recently completed graduate program that I really came eye-to-eye with the power of TMS. I was anxious, depressed, suicidal, and in a LOT of pain. I felt like someone had a vice grip on my neck, and a sumo wrestler had mounted my shoulders, they would ache with the pain. I just wanted to get away from the pain. I didn't feel like it was possible to live with it. The pain was especially horrible with other people, and when I felt guilty for not achieving a certain goal that I felt was expected of me. My friends in the program knew I was tense and wanted to relax with me. Come out for a drink or a bowl of weed, they'd say. And we'd do those things, and the symptoms would get worse. I felt like I was expected to relax, and that vice grip would come back, and grab me by the neck and wouldn't let go. Friends would get annoyed with how negative I was being, how sad and whiney.

It's ironic, because I wanted to be with people all that time. And yet, my obsession with fixing took me away from people. Friends wanted to support me, but the pain was too much. I was convinced it had to be fixed before I could enjoy the moment. Now I am beginning to see how the need to solve this or that in me is directly correlated to my TMS symptoms. When there's pain or anger or anxiety, it needs to be solved. That's what I was thinking the whole time. At my darkest moments, I was still trying to find a way out, lamenting what it was that I was feeling. The suicidal moments, that was my ultimate solution. I didn't just sit there with it, and love me that was in pain.

Sometimes, life is going to happen in a way that it won't seem to be possible to be with, I remember those moments well. There's nothing to do except experience, and inquire. That's what I'm seeing with journaling.

 

Don’t be too hard on yourself for wanting to ‘fix it”, Laughalot. That is what we are taught to do from the time we are little kids i.e. if you see something wrong, you have to make it better. I think this is especially the case with boys in our society. It takes time to unlearn old habits. Sitting with pain and loving yourself through it is not easy and I am only new to this, but I guess that is what takes us on this TMS journey towards self discovery and ultimately, empowerment and healing. Hang in there!