Day 32 Its all about fear

Today I want to focus on fear. Yesterday, I had a tiny cramp in my right calf, to the right side. Then the muscles were tight after that. And the tightness kept lasting. And I got worried about blood clots. Then, I started googling. I don't know how I got there, because I've been so good about not googling symptoms for such a long time. I meant it to be a comfort - to remind myself I don't fit the symptoms. But it ended up being a way to try and fit myself into the symptoms.
I never actually had much pain. While sitting, I would get the mild discomfort/tightness sometimes - sort of like that pre-cramp feeling that I get, like any wrong move is going to lead to a big muscle cramp. But when we went for a walk (actually a decently long one, to the south 7-11), it didn't hurt at all. I didn't even have the tightness. But it came back when I sat a bunch. Also, at no time was there any swelling or redness or heat or cold that was reasonably different than my left leg. Before bed I starting looking for leg cramping on the TMS forum. Sure enough, lots of people get body cramps as TMS symptoms. Jodi reminded me of this when we skyped too. But even so, when I went to bed, I was having that mild tightness feeling again and just got so paranoid and scared that I got up an called my mom. We talked it through. She talked me down a little bit. I still wasn't totally convinced, but I was convinced enough to be able to go to bed.
And surprise! I woke up this morning. And without any pain or tightness in my leg at all. I think I may be imagining the tiniest bit now, as I've been doing some TMS work this morning. But if the pain yesterday (there was very little) was signaling me about a blot clot, then it should have gotten worse or at least stayed the same.

So then this morning I searched for 'hypochondria' in the forums. And I came across one of the "ask a TMS doctor" posts. And he was talking about how hypochondria is absolutely another manifestation of TMS, because the whole point is fear. People get pain because the subconcious is trying to scare you. Thats why anxiety is another manifestation. Its all about fear. And Hypochondria for me is the absolute biggest distracter. Because I am so scared of dying. I want to be here for a long time. I want to have time to have a whole life. The pup had her birthday and its been freaking me out a little because its led me to think about mortality a lot. I want to know that I have time.

Maybe thats part of the ongoing rage about work (Mom pointed out last night that I seem to have a lot of these episodes on Sunday/Sunday night). That I'm constantly away from the people that I want to be near, and its because of my job, and its more time that I'm wasting not being near my loved ones.

 

Hi, Guseman. I think it's a msitake to google about any pain symptoms before bedtime. I try to spend the hour or more before bedtime doing relaxing things that bring peace. I find good videos on Youtube with relaxation music.

Fear is common to all of us, fearing one thing or another.

Here are some thoughts on fear from Eckhardt Tolle, the spiritual writer.

Is fear preventing you from taking action? Acknowledge the fear, watch it, take your attention into it, be fully present with it. Doing so cuts the link between the fear and your thinking. Don't let the fear rise up into your mind. Use the power of the Now. Fear cannot prevail against it.

The power of living in the present is very powerful. It takes practice but works.

 

Hi Guseman, Yes, as Walt said, fear is a common emotion for all of us - and for all human beings. I love Walt's quote from Eckhardt Tolle - so powerful. I had big breakthroughs with my own fears when I read the Blog posted by Dr. Schubiner about overcoming our fears. I highly recommend it. Look under the Blog section of this Web site. If you can't find it, just let me know and I'll help you navigate to it. And remember, when you feel fear, you are just being a completely "normal" human being. Please let me know if you have any further questions, Sunny

 

Thank you for the helpful replies! It funny, that blog post by Dr. Schubiner was the education component of the SEP just four days after I wrote this. I've been trying to keep it in mind. This has been an incredibly tough week - so many symptoms popping up all together at the same time all of a sudden.
I think what has happened this week is that I let so much doubt in over my leg pain, that I invited in enough fear to make everything crumble (at least somewhat, not completely). When my pain kept coming back, I caved and went to the doctor to talk to her about blood clots (my amygdala most definitely got the best of me this week). She felt around, asked a lot of questions, I got to ask her some back, and she (almost totally) convinced me there was no evidence for blood clots and she figured it was likely muscle strain and talked me out of getting an ultrasound to check. Which was helpful - I was able to then push some of that doubt back out and remind myself its definitely TMS.
I've had so many more TMS symptoms this week (panic attacks, face pressure, more leg pain), and its been hard, but I think its largely due to letting that fear and doubt build and take over through the week. My amygdala is INCREDIBLY powerful sometimes, even after reading and re-reading TMS blogs and books. I guess the most positive thing here is that this is one more huge confirmation of my TMS.

 

Mindfulness, living in the present, may be our best emotional friend in TMS healing. I agree totally with Jan, a very wise woman and great friend of the TMSwiki.