Day 14 It's still fear and am stuck

journalling: something I don't do enough of. I have been having some more flair ups here and there. Sometimes minor other times major and nausea. A lot of the time I'm able to shake it. Which is just another sign it's TMS. I fully except it's TMS or PPD and continue to do the programs.

The problem I found is that as I journalled I realized I fear that I won't get better than where I am. Secondly I know that when lots of negative thoughts come in they bring pain. So I fear negative thoughts or beliefs also. Thought stopping doesn't have a long term solution. I think the way out is to accept that thoughts don't define who we are. How do I do this with thoughts?

I feel like I hit a wall and am starting over. It feels as though there is this big pile of backlogged fear based thoughts waiting in line to confront me and challenge me.

Associated with the negative thoughts is pain. So I realize to a degree I fear the pain. Not as much as before but also more than before. Being valiant lasted a few months but I am feeling frustrated that this keeps coming up. Now I know why but sometimes it evades me what to do. How do I accept that I have negative thoughts which cause pain and fear without feeding them and embracing them?

 

Hi Jokeysmurf,

Claire Weekes suggests we let the thoughts come without giving them much attention. She said, don't be bluffed by a thought. I listened to a podcast by The Anxiety Guy about doing Claire Weekes protocols. He said he doesn't "dialogue with himself." He doesn't argue with himself that a thought isn't true because xy and z. For him that fed the flare up. It is easy to get anxious though, isn't it?

 

Yes this is true, I have read and practice Weekes' suggestions as best as I can. I just had a realization. I had been a writer, mostly poetry. I went to grad school to learn my craft. After school I developed anxiety, lots of doubt and questioning whether I liked or wanted to continue to write poetry. I spent 2 years not writing anything while trying to figure out why I had all this pain. As I am recovering I took to writing. I still get pains. It dawned on me! I haven't been very compassionate toward myself since those grad school days. I have been putting lots of unconscious pressure on myself to be better to be more like writers I admire. My body is obviously telling me something. Be nicer to myself. I spent the last two days writing poetry and short stories my back and gut ached. However on the second day I decided to be free and have fun with my girlfriend and spend the evening having dinner. Almost no pain. I realized I was practicing compassion toward myself and forgiving myself for not working all the time. I often feel guilt if I am not doing something "productive"

I think I compare myself to other too often. I need to learn to let go. This is the hardest for me. As I write this I feel a very tense right shoulder as if the muscles are squeezing and holding on. The mere thought of not know how to let go is creating tension.

I will explore this. I am sure I am over thinking how to let go. Over thinking is a pattern.

Thanks for responding Lizzy.

JS

 

"I often feel guilt if I am not doing something "productive" - I know this feeling soooo well !

 

I feel this too! Who am I trying to prove myself to? Myself or others? Frankly, I am old enough to be past this!