Jealous or embarrassed?

Hi,
I’m trying to figure out why a guy who was interested in me seems to avoid me now. We had the same gym schedule so I would see him often. He’s an impressively well built and handsome man so I’m very intimidated by him. To break the ice, I’ve recently spoken with him a few times in short conversations. I started to wave more and more at him as I became less scared of him. Sometimes though, I still havent dare saying hi to him in fear of not being acknowledged or bothering him if he’s focused on his workout. In the past, he had given me a stern look whenever I glanced at him. He might have been sensing that I was attracted to him. But why would he act like that if he’s attracted to me as well? Other times, he passed by me pretending not to see me.
I had grown tired of having to be the first one to say hi or wait for him to make eye contact. One day I decided not to wave at him and just made a small smile at him that he must have missed. He then left his workout station right away. He only came back when I was with a personal trainer and I tried to make him jealous with the latter one. I remember him looking at me as he left the gym but I had no idea that it would be the last time I would see him. I’m wondering if he’s upset because of the situation with the personal trainer or he’s embarrassed that he was obviously showing more interest in me and I pretended that I didn’t care although I do a lot. He has a big ego and so do I but anyone has any idea why he’s avoiding me. It’s been a month since he hasn’t showed up at the gym. I asked a staff member about his whereabouts and was told he comes at an earlier time and he went out of town for a while. I’m heartbroken but most importantly I want to clear out any confusion and tell him the truth about the situation. I think it would give me relief and to him too. I understand that I’m struggling with only perceptions but I know that he’s upset and I fear it. My mind seems to go over and over the problem even when I wake up in the middle of the night. I feel a burning pain in my back too whenever I think about this.

Thanks for helping me solve this dilemma.

 

Hi, @Heavenly! I moved this topic to the Community Off Topic forum where non-TMS topics can be discussed. I hope you get the answers you're looking for!

With regard to your neck, you are most welcome to post more about your symptoms and ask for guidance specific to those sensations in the TMS forums.

Warmest wishes to you!

 

I think your post comes down to wanting something or someone outside of yourself to validate you. The obsessive ruminating and wondering and trying to mind read gym dude, is simply another distraction like TMS. I don't know how old you are but I'm guessing you are very young, in your 20's? If I could give you advice in a nutshell it's this: KNOW YOUR WORTH. Never ever ever make your value hinge on someone else's opinion or what others think of you. This is a massive trap and one of the reasons you have TMS. When you start worrying more about what you think of you, your relationship with yourself, and helping others less fortunate, I can promise you the right people will come into your orbit...ones who see you for who you really are and not someone you're trying to be because you imagine that's what they want. You are twisting your brain into a pretzel trying to figure out what's in this guys head. I have news for you and I don't mean to sound mean, but I doubt that guy is thinking much at all, other than if his lats and quads look good and what he's having for dinner (I'm being generous here!). We can attribute aaaallll sort of things to others but the possibilities are endless (I could write a laundry list but I'll refrain lol) and usually have nothing to do with you. Basically, you are creating your own suffering and giving some dude aaalllll this power over your thoughts! Think of the band width in your brain this is taking up! If your girlfriend came to you and recounted this, what would you tell her?? When a man is interested in a woman, trust me he will let you know. Your entire attitude has to be "is this person worthy of MY time?" (NOT "does he like me?"). Never put yourself in the inferior position of another. The way you are thinking and behaving is putting you in a state of resistance. Allow life to unfold. If you are only focused on a dead end, you could be missing out on all sorts of opportunities.

Just another general word of advice in dating. Don't be so available, don't seem so eager, be vague! (if they ask where or who you are out with...just say "friends" at a "venue" lol, and for the love of all things holy do NOT ask others of their whereabouts. Guys like a challenge. Things easily gotten, are just as easily discarded. We teach others how to treat us. Make them earn it girl. You have all the power but don't even realize it...just like with TMS.

 

Thanks @miffybunny for your precious advice! To set the record straight, shockingly I’m actually a middle aged woman who is separated from my husband but we live in the same house for the sake of our kids and financial reasons. English is not my first language so please forgive my mistakes. The gym dude lol is also middle aged but 6 years younger than me. He is actually usually a nice guy when you talk to him. We usually mention our kids in our short conversations. I noticed him the first time I met him when his head turned onto me and he was staring at me as I was walking in the hall towards the kids club where he was standing after dropping his kids. First I was surprised and confused him with another dad whose daughter had an argument with my son a week earlier. I asked the gym dude if he recalled it and he said that it wasn’t neither him nor his daughter. I then assumed he was into me since he often looked at me. His attitude was inconsistent though from one day to another. Sometimes I tried to make eye contact with him and he frowned his eyebrows at me. Other times he would be nice and helped me rerack the weights. Because I became fearful of his changing behavior, I avoided eye contact with him even though I realized afterwards that he tried to get my attention and got upset that I didn’t notice him. It’s a complicated situation and I feel like we’re playing a game of cat and mouse. Last time I spoke with him and apologized that I kept on confusing him with someone else so it takes my mind a while to reasonate but I had no harsh feelings against him and he took it well. He introduced himself and almost every day we greeted each other until the mishap that I mentioned in my original post. I feel guilty for not being true and playing a game to make him jealous. I feel attracted to him but in the meantime I feel like I’m not worthy because he looks too handsome and younger of a few years than me. Also, he seems to be quite wealthy and I’m not.
I should probably let it go and stopped thinking about him and caring about what he thinks of me. I’m probably too nice since I don’t want him to feel jealous or embarrassed. I think I’m the victim here. Not only do I suffer mentally but also physically with this burning back pain.

 

Hi @Heavenly ,

Oh ok lol! I have a more complete picture now ...It makes sense that you would long for connection since you are living in sort of a limbo state with your husband...co parenting but without a marital relationship. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about with regards to "gym dude" but you may want to explore if there is displaced guilt that is driving your anxiety and symptoms. It's also understandable that the gym and the possibility of seeing him gives you an escape from your responsibilities and worries. Your worth as a human has nothing to do with your age or income. Rather than projecting all sorts of things onto him, fantasizing, and catastrophising, your best bet would be to start appreciating yourself and giving thought to what would bring you joy and meaning in general. Just be yourself , do your best, remind yourself that you're a good person and life has a way of flowing naturally. Middle aged people tend to have more complexity in their personal lives. He may be conflicted, entangled, shy, not interested, or just constipated. We really can't know what another person is going through until we spend a lot of time with them. Make going to the gym more about you. If you see him, be friendly as you would to anyone else but there;'s really nothing to "do" or analyze. It's super important that you have some kind of support system and a safe place to discuss your feelings...with a therapist, a close friend, a church counselor, family member. Your body is basically empathizing for you and your emotional hurt and grief is what needs to be tended to.

 

Thanks so much @miffybunny! I wish I could be as wise as you but I feel so very LOST these past years. I put my whole life into retrospective, trying to figure out why I can never feel happy. It could dwell on my difficult childhood, having been abused, my marriage at a pretty young age out of desperation to escape an undesirable environment, an unfulfilling job in terms of benefits and the list goes on. I must be seeing the cup half empty too often because I do have things that bring me JOY like my children. I just feel LONELY because of my marital situation and the gym is a place where I feel more connected with like minded individuals. Maybe it’s not an ideal place where I can expect to find love because of most people’ mindset as gym goers are focused on their own activities. Like you beautifully said « life has a way of flowing naturally » and I’m just overthinking. It’s time to discover and appreciate myself more. As a matter of fact, I just got a book called SOUL WITHOUT SHAME which was mentioned by @Andy Bayliss in a post. I hope it will give me relief from my mental and physical struggles. I don’t have much support since my whole family lives overseas. Honestly, the only place I turn to is the gym and I’m realizing that it might be time to make a change!
Thanks again for your time and valuable advice

 

Hi again, anything I may have learned along the way was hard won believe me! Although motherhood brings joy, it is not the only facet to your being and it's totally normal to yearn for an intimate adult relationship (partner), as well as have a network of friends and family. I think you should find outlets like the gym as much as possible and see if you can cultivate new friendships in new places. Interpersonal stimulation is so important for tms "recovery" and getting back to your true self. It doesn't sound like you had a chance to develop other aspects of yourself or even have time to think about it. Self care and self compassion are the way out and you will find other areas fall into place naturally. It may be worth speaking to a therapist and having a safe space to address your emotions and day to day stressors. That will free you up to start dreaming of a life that you would like to create for yourself.

 

Hi @Heavenly,
I too share a similar opinion as @miffybunny! Don't be soo obsessed or available. Wait and in time learn how things turn out!

 

If you never actually go for it, you won't know what is actually going on. This middle-school back and fourth play will not get you anywhere.

 

Thanks for you response! Could you please clarify? What should I do?