Day 18 Journal Review

Whoa, this one’s going to out me! So be it. That’s what I came for.

When asked to review my journal for emotional themes, it was like an ugly contest with no clear winners. Trying to boil it down from this list: Betrayal, abandonment, disappointment, being afraid, hopelessness, helplessness, mistrust, neglectful alcoholic mother, no father in the home, misery, indifference, shame, guilt, failure, despair, a loner. The word dead often came up when writing about my youth. Dead as though I might as well have been. Bleak future, nothing to look forward to. Isolated. Unloved. Then, unbearable grief over losing my husband of 42 years.

Trying to be forthcoming here. Not pleasant. I’ve always known these things, but never got down and dirty about them thinking others have had it worse growing up. My beloved husband drifted away piece by piece over a 10-year decline due to cancer and a rare form of dementia. As I mentioned before, that kicked my ass.

Despite, or maybe because of my dismal upbringing, I was very successful in life years after my step-father told me that I wouldn’t be worth killing by age 18. He was a first-rate bastard.

I can see that I’ve often erroneously believed that by rising above it all, taking the higher road, being successful in many things, loving well, that none of it could bring me down…unless I count the thirty-thousand ways it has hurt my body and soul. It’s cumulative I believe, starts when you’re young and continues throughout life, ebbing and flowing with events until one day you realize it has gone too far.

 

Mtnjac,

What a vulnerable post! My heart aches for you. I, too, felt dead in my youth..and all the words you use to describe the despair. And yet, you are so overwhelmingly kind and gracious, despite it all. ❤️

My parents were also alcoholics, and my father mostly gone. Both abusive. I gasped when I read about your step-father! Monster!

I cannot even imagine how strong you are to have survived the loss of your husband over 10 years. I’m so sorry you had to go through such a long hard passage. And still now feel that pain.

Long ago, I used to say, if only my wounds could be seen, then people would realize how hard things are for me. I wish I had never said that! Because like you said…”in 30,000 ways it has hurt my body.” And now it’s here. It shows.

You have been through so much… and you’re still standing! Things can get better, dear one. We will make it so.

 

Dear wonderful Diana-M,

I feel so accepted by you. And, having lived a similar past, you understand. I believe kind words, expressed with love, return home. Yours are being sent back right now with perfect healing from the traumas you bravely endured.

You might not have imagined that my step-father’s harsh words had the opposite effect and helped shape who I chose to become. As he aged into his final days all but abandoned, I offered him comfort and forgiveness. No, I am not a saint, just a matured person by then who could finally see his lifelong struggle to matter to someone. He had no tools. I do.

I am currently working on a bigger issue and that is to also view my mother through more forgiving eyes. This work is harder and will take more time.

You are helping so many people on this forum with your encouragement and compassion. Thank you for what you do, who you are and for sharing your journey. You are a blessing to all.

 

I love your take on opening the vault. Had not thought of it that way but I feel somehow braver for it!

You are correct (again) about victimhood. I’ve honestly never experienced it. I am truly grateful for that!

Your insight is razor sharp and greatly encouraging. Thank you once more.

 

Thank you so much, @Mtnjac You are so sweet!

That’s beautiful you were able to forgive and help your stepfather. As we both know there really is no true healing without forgiveness. I too only recently was able to forgive my mother and father. Some of it you can do intellectually but I think ultimately it’s a spiritual gift when it finally comes. Maybe you agree with me. None of this is for the faint of heart, that’s for sure.

You are such a joy on this app and it’s so nice that you’re willing to share your story with us. It lends me quite a bit of strength. ❤️ thank you!