Day 6 Journaling, Meditation and co-workers

journaling today was tough, but good. Got a bit of good crying in. meditation was also easier than expected, I sat on my porch next to a soothing fountain and surprisingly, managed to keep focused for around 12 minutes. I still had lots of random thoughts and it really was hard to "relax" my left leg, which is the source of most of my recent pain. But I feel like i eventually got there.

A couple things i did today that i'm uncertain about - i talked to a colleague who I had been sharing some of this with over the last few months - her mom has had similar chronic sciatica pain for 3 years and she said that she is driving her (my friend) crazy. So after a bit of prodding I sent her the link to the book and told her that so far it's working but i'm not a testimonial yet. Frankly she is also about to have her gallbladder out and when she was telling me about it I was thinking - TMS, TMS! but I held back a bit. I want to help others but I need to deal with my own stuff. I don't know if talking about it with other people outside of my husband will be good or bad. I guess if her mom barfs on it I just really don't want to know.

Does anyone else have experience sharing Dr. Sarno early on? Part of me wants to yell from the rooftops, but fixing everyone is not my problem and something I need to be aware of. Once I'm better, fine, I'll tell folks, but I'm not fixed in 6 days and don't want to move backwards.

With another colleague I also kind of volunteered to do something and I know I shouldn't take on more stress. I am smart enough to know I need to backpeddle and he is a good enough friend I can do it without fear of reprisal. but I am still kicking myself for going there.

 

I started telling people early on even before I had any clue about my source of pain. The book, The Divided Mind, was so meaningful to me in helping me to understand myself. I felt like a window opened in my mind.

I am selective who I tell. I pick people who I see have the personality traits and pain. They are usually the most open. I have to journal about the emotional side effects of telling people. The side effects are fear of rejection, fear of disappointing them and fear of not "telling" my story perfectly. Then I replay it over and over wacking myself if it was not "good enough" to convince.

Journaling about all this has been so powerful helping me to realize how I give myself no slack...ever. I am trying to learn to be more loving and kind to myself. And continue to tell myself I am planting seeds, some come up, some come up later, and some never come up.

It is an amazing experience.

 

Thanks for the replies - when I think about telling other people I feel tense and fearful. Especially since I have a new boss and I started our our relationship with -I am in so much pain we have to lighten my workload. He seems to be this very analytical guy and I am afraid if I tell him why I am felling better he will think I am a nutcase. I guess I need to stop worrying about it, and it is none of his business anyway. But I do beat myself up inside just like Stella

 

Jan, I'm curious about your turning your food sensitivities around. Is there a book that you read that helped you with this?
Thanks in advance--TIA!

 

Valerie, I think it's the people-pleaser in us that generates the thoughts that we have to tell anybody anything, and worries about the reactions we are going to get if we do. We're not used to thinking about ourselves, and we're certainly not used to doing things simply for ourselves. I think for most of us we've spent years and years doing things for others and if we happened to benefit from our actions (in some way other than someone's approval) then it was just an added bonus. You're absolutely right - it is nobody's business why you're feeling better. Besides, anybody who would judge the method while disregarding the results isn't really worth your time anyway.

When I started the SEP and reading the TMS books my thoughts were a constant stream of "who" I thought could benefit from the information. I realized that is a natural response for a people-pleaser, we're helpers, we feel an obligation to do it without even realizing it, and it generates more anger which generates more symptoms. As I learned more and more I realized the correct answer to "who" could benefit from the information, ME, and I noticed my thoughts changing along with it.

 

I had to smile to myself Leslie when I read that your thoughts were towards those that you knew would benefit. I do exactly the same! Out of all those that I thought could be helped, not one has followed any advise I have given. Athough friends have been supportive I can't help thinking they think I am a bit mad to be going down the TMS route. Luckily my husband is a strong believer. He had M.E. for 3 years (now recovered) so we both understand the mind/body link.

 

Funny, I just got back from visiting my mom and I told her all about my TMS journey so far. She is so funny, she said - you know, Valerie, you need to write a book about your experience and help other people. And I said, no, I need to stop worrying just about other people and take care of myself first!

 

EXACTLY!!! Good for you for having the courage to say that to your Mom! Be proud of yourself and don't doubt for a single minute that your subconscious was listening the entire time!

 

There's much truth to the phrase "you can't help someone who doesn't want your help". Try not to focus on what you think your friends are thinking, it's a waste of your energy! Even if you were to ask them, you could never know 100% sure that what they told you they were thinking was actually the truth! It's all about you Sheree! If the rest of them want to keep dealing with the symptoms, that's their choice (and their problem!!)