Journaling - Things on my mind

I am having a particularly bothersome pain and stiffness in my upper back today. It happened while I was thinking about some research papers/mini thesis I have to do for grad school. I feel very clueless and like I won't be able to do it. This then made me think I may get a B at best and that felt unacceptable to me. I stopped and thought about this, hoping the "awareness" would help the pain go away but it hasn't. I also noticed this may be linked to telling my parents the other day I did well in my classes and my Mom said something along the lines of "im going to start expecting all A's now." Maybe I'm angry at her for saying that and now I'm feeling pressured? This must not be subconscious though if I'm writing about it here. So I am confused as to what is actually causing the pain and what I need to do to get it to go away?


Other topics:
My sister pressuring me to go to a wedding that I definitely do not have time for. This correlates to the class mentioned above. The class is only 5 weeks and a lot is due at the same time as the wedding, not to mention I'm already worried about getting it done in the first place. I then started daydreaming or visualizing in my head being angry at her as it reminded me of other times I felt like family pushing me into something that would be bad for me in my future.

I seem to be getting more annoyed by my roommate recently. He just got back in town after being out for a couple weeks. It seems like whatever he does bothers he, particularly noise wise. I noticed it more recently since I would hear him in the morning (he wakes up about 1.5hrs before me). I use to put on a loud fan in my room but I seem to keep sneezing and having some weird symptoms so I was wondering if the fan was blowing some dirt/dust and haven't used it. Since then I hear him way more in the morning and it messes up my REM sleep. Since then, I have started to notice his noise at other times later in the day. My mind focuses on the noises and it seems like an affront to me, like he his loudly "throwing" things around instead of placing them down.

Sometimes I am afraid of conflict to confront these things. On another level I am afraid I will "lose something" if I do confront. Like if they just disagree and I have to find a new apartment since the lease is coming up. I hate hate moving, and hate it even more having all these TMS symptoms. Also unsure about wanting to move to another part of the country in a year or two and starting the next stage of my life(career,family,etc).

 

Hi Freedom,

To me, your post shows you're doing the correct practice in your inquiry. You may not have the exact answer jump out at you, but you're asking the right questions, and "thinking psychologically." This technique works over time.

When you're aware of anger and irritation this may well point to a depth of feelings which you're not aware of, so don't let your awareness of feelings discount your insights. Maybe I'm angry at her for saying that and now I'm feeling pressured? This may also activate your inner critic (attacking you for being angry), and that may cause other feelings for your Inner Child.

Andy B

 

Hi, Freedom. You're under a lot of pressure, from graduate school and a noisy roommate and personal stuff in the family. You're also doing a lot of worrying about the future. I think your back pain will go away when you practice living more in the present moment and let the future take care of itself. There are some good videos on that in YouTube.

 

Hi Walt!

As in meditation? I meditate every day(atleast 10-20 minutes, sometimes more).

Yes I worry about the future. I worry that even if I get a decent job, what if I end up hating it after spending so much time in school. What will I do. I also worry about continuing to have regrets for not living life to the fullest.

 

Hi Andy!

Could you expound on this a little more, I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying I need to dig deeper in some way?
I know as well I had a deep depression many years ago (maybe 7?). I remember that aside from the early stages of TMS, it was the worst period of my life. I also thought I'm not sure I could go through that again (which would correlate with TMS thinking its helping me)

What do you mean by attacking me for being angry? Like I'm angry that I'm angry? I'm self critical that I'm angry?

 

Living in the present is more than meditation. It's just taking things as they are today and not thinking or worrying about tomorrow and beyond.

 

I am saying that your conscious feelings often point to deeper ones, which may be along the same lines. Conscious anger can point to "unconscious" rage. I don't know that you need to "dig" so much as feel, and the inquiry you're doing is right on.

This is a pattern of being "not seen" and appreciated for who and what you're about. How might that make the Inner Child feel? Just because you're aware of it does not mean that "what you're after to solve TMS" is that much different than what you're feeling. It is all about allowing feeling, and you're already pretty good at this!

Yes.
Anger is a natural response when we don't get our needs met. You're angry, and then probably rejecting yourself for your anger. We assert ourselves, perhaps with anger. There is an expansion through this expression, an allowing of our truth. Then our familiar self-images reassert themselves, usually with Inner Critic activations. In terms of TMS work, it is good to see all of this, and understand how this works with Dr. Sarno's theory. Back to "how might my Inner Child feel?" Are these feelings threatening to my self-image? Am I being distracted from these feelings by my symptoms?

You are doing well in this; I suggest you don't "over think it!" The process of inquiry and allowing takes time, and all along the way you are sending signals down deep that you are willing to feel more, and repress less.

 

Hi, Freedom.
One of the things that I've noticed about myself is that a lot of times anger is actually covering a more hidden emotion. In my case, it's usually fear or sadness. Also, even as I first started to recognize my "hidden anger" as I began my TMS work years ago, I found myself feeling guilty for feeling angry. So I had this inner conflict in that I felt angry about something; part of me felt guilty for feeling that way (the attack on the anger--feel bad for feeling that way), and then another dimension of anger was felt (why can't I be allowed to feel angry?). Hope that all makes sense.

 

I agree with PonyGirl. I think I do the same thing. I get angry when I might really being feeling insecure or unhappy with myself in some way. It happened to me today at work. I started off my Monday with a couple of emails that really made me angry because they involved possibly taking on additional responsibilities that I am trying to avoid. And I could feel my pain level rising. I think I am more afraid than angry about the possibility of additional responsibility because it would put me out of my comfort zone at work. I don't like to be out of my comfort zone. I am a control freak and when things I don't understand are thrown at me, I don't like it.