Day 25 just touching base...

Hiya all,

Last night I was texting with my dear 23 yr old son. All the most intense symptoms(whole right side...burning nerve pain, dizziness, muscle pain and stiffness; leg, belly, back and neck pain) came flooding in. I now recognize this as intense emotions flooding in and hitting the old wall of protection though, so...deep breaths and stay...and of course the pain subsided! I wasn't really surprised this was surfacing; feelings and thoughts related to raising him(on my own) had been dancing around my mind all day. So, this morning I did a "spider write" with his name in the middle. Oh geez!! Guilt, shame, worry, fear, overwhelm, failure...on every "leg" except the love, light of my life, best heart hugs ever "leg" No bloody wonder the pain comes rushing in so intense!! I can't always see the perfectionist in me as it's often described...I am not a high achiever in the typical sense; career, school etc. But family and loved ones are what I value so high above anything else...ta da!! Man oh man that's a ton of pressure...creating a ton of rage! Self compassion and gentle loving kindness are on the menu this week!

Also, I learned a term the other day that has helped me understand myself so much more...Fawning. Flight, fight, freeze and fawning. Pete Walker coined this...describes me to a T. It was my main tool for keeping me feeling safe/having some sense of control/not having to feel the terror as a child and it just became part of my way of being. So, now I am feeling all those feelings...providing the safety for myself.

It's so nice to know you are all out there showing up for and taking good care of yourselves too. This work is so very challenging and sometimes the fear and overwhelm get the better of us...knowing others are facing these things head on and grappling with it all as well is great support and inspiration. Such a gift xo

 

LOL... I get along 'great' with both of my sons...and I am certain that a hip flare-up I had a few years back was directly related to a trip we took together.. I felt like a burden, Un needed and the whole time HE drove, I was anxious about how fast he was going...for a week on the road. I still didn't know it was HIM, because 'we get along great'..and then the AHA happened..and then it went away as soon as I saw how much anger, Fear and shame was hidden in that short sentence.

Really hard to be consciously angry at out kids even when they are adults.

Good work!

 

Heya, thanks mate!

Yes it is hard to feel that deep anger toward/regarding our kids for sure. This pain/rage in response to having repressed it all for so long...skating around it by being conscientious and a goodist and a perfectionist and (now I understand) fawning! Now I hear Alan's voice in my head "How DARE you!!" when this voice/habit arises. So love that...totally appropriate response!