Day 8 kinda hopeful

Honestly things are going well so well in fact that I can't help but feel a little bit suspicious. I've been having overall more energy (when the insomnia isn't around) which is really good. Sometimes though I think maybe I'm crazy maybe I'm just imagining I feel better but I don't think that's the case. I have been able to stand up to my anxiety successfully in some areas. I've been being way nicer to myself than I normally am. I also have been feeling a lot more hopeful about my life and things in general. I go to bed thinking that my life is going well which is a massive change.

I do have some concerns though first of all I'm not really uncovering or even feeling all that much while journaling. It's just kind of nothing which has been really frustrating since I'm almost certain my TMS is linked to repressed anger. I used to be a really really angry, violent kid which, you know, people did not react well to. I started trying to suppress my anger, and around the same I time I figured out how to do it successfully I started getting TMS symptoms. I feel annoyed right now but basically never angry and never the kind I felt as a kid. I haven't felt any anger though which is kind of weird. I also have been debating whether to type or write my journaling I've been trying to write but that causes my hand to hurt and basically freeze which makes me focus on that and not what I'm actually journaling about. So I'm not sure if I should move to typing things or not.

Finally, a few months ago I was doing this program and I was making some real progress and had begun to realize that all my symptoms not just my pain were TMS and then I had the worst insomnia attack I've ever had. I didn't have more that like four or five hours of sleep a night for a month which throughly derailed all the TMS stuff. I'm now thinking they might be related and my insomnia is getting worse again so I'm not sure what to do about that. I actually have a good bedtime routine now so I'm hoping that will help.

 

LOL... I love finding myself on this forum.

I too fought everybody and everything in my arms reach for my entire youth. I was also the Lippiest bastard ever. That combined with a drinking and drug problem created quite a distraction and my life was a maelstrom of drama...

THEN... I had an experience that totally spun me around and I went from being the worst A-hole in the world to Mr. Goody-two-shoes, 'spiritual guy'.... oh yeah, and I started having all sorts of physical problems...shoulder problems, anxiety, OCD episodes.....and the better my conduct and thoughts, the more the symptoms increased and ultimately brought me to my knees with pain at age 32.

AFTER my pain went away, that fighter came back. I almost started a fight at my Job. I went and got help from a shrink and I really got well by inventing my own homemade Gestalt Rage Therapy. I freak out intentionally with that same bottled rage I have always had, but I do it alone and harm no one.(maybe some plants or a plate or some plywood)

Remember that thrilling Rush you get when you break from civilized reality and know that the fight is 'on'?..You are a Freaking unhinged animal????. You can literally feel the tingles down your spine? I can whip myself into that frenzy, and it is quite cathartic and has ended or help end several attempted TMS incursions.

Because our Moses (super ego) has taught the Adult (ego) how to act and behave, the Child (Id, unconscious) is banging on the bars down in his cell... he's locked up down there and Misses the tingles. To make sure you don't listen to him, you get insomnia....pain....sinus drip...stomach problems.

The miracle is that the unconscious has a tough time distinguishing the true from the false... I have learned that pretending I am thumping the crap out of somebody, some thing, some group of people, is just as effective as actually doing it. Haven't even got a parking ticket in 20 years BUT I have kept an open phone line to that CHILD and that keeps his pounding on the bars of his cell down to a minimum.

Your post is honest and insightful. You can turn that into your panacea .... find a way to get back to that kid who fought everybody, and why he fought everybody and how he felt about the whole deal, and your distractions will go away.

It's really that simple.