Day 37 Lack of meaning.

The four core issues are meaning, death, freedom, and isolation.

I'm not sure about freedom but it would be very easy for me to journal on any of the other topics. I think I'll choose meaning. Very often I feel like my life has no meaning- that I have very little impact on the world. If I were to suddenly die I would be missed by a few people- family and some friends- but I would have done very little to change the world. My impact would have consisted of the creating of a few works of art, involvement in a few problematic relationships, and some inadvertent destruction of the environment created by daily life.

So I think about this sometimes. I try and resign myself to this lot in life- that I'm not destined to have a life of impact. This is somewhat comforting and is better than railing against my circumstances but it doesn't feel like a victory- just depression. It's disappointing that many of my victories feel like depression.

Yes, I would like meaning in my life. It's terrible to spend so much of my energy in a fight to just get myself to normalcy. It's terrible that no one can see what a warrior I've been in fighting this- they just think I haven't accomplished much.

I'm not sure what meaning I want. There's part of me that still wants to be recognized artistically and there's another part that's willing to give all of that up and just try and be of service to the world.