Day 42 Last Day of the SEP

Hey everyone!

Today is the last day in the SEP for me and I wanted to let y'all know how grateful I am to all of you. I seriously could not have done this without your encouragement, your friendship, and your gentle prodding.

I would say say that I am 99% better. I plan to do Kristen Neff's Self Compassion book next, and then maybe one of the other TMS books.

I have learned so much about myself through this whole thing. I hold onto my emotions so tightly sometimes, and I never thought that was the case. I strove to be "good" and "perfect" so much that my mind was absolutely screaming for someone, anyone to hear how painful and tiring it was to be holding all of this grief, this anger, this disappointment. I was an overflowing levee. Now, I know where the release is. The levee will feel pressure again, because it will always rain, but I don't have to let it get so full anymore.

I learned that my pain is just a sensation, like a breeze on my face is a sensation and I can choose how to direct my focus. I learned that my body isn't broken. I learned that my health anxiety is another way to distract myself from painful feelings, that I have a choice there too. I learned that all the painful and traumatic events from my past deserved my attention and care. They weren't my fault. They aren't my fault.

Most of all though, I learned that I am not "bad." That it is not "bad" or "demanding" to feel angry or afraid. I am allowed to take a break any time I want. I am a grown woman and if I need to step away to take a breath, I can. And I will.

Funnily enough, I've been having some tightness in my trap this morning (after I journalled it went right away) because I am in conflict with the same potter in my studio as usual and I have to see him today. Here's the drama in case you're curious: He is in charge of putting on a high school art show at the local community college and refused to hang a girl's art because he said it was "suicidal" and there was nudity (it was a curled up naked girl - nothing was showing). I pressed him and he finally admitted that he actually didn't care about the nudity or the "suicidal themes" he was just worried that administration would see the nudity, and he was worried about losing his status as "instructor of the year" at the college.

That made me exceedingly angry, because he wasn't thinking about nurturing or understanding this young artist, he just wanted to censor her, without consideration for HER at all. WHat about HER self-expression? He just wanted to pander to a bunch of bureaucrats WHO DIDN'T EVEN ASK FOR HIM TO TAKE THEM DOWN.

So I offered to buy her paintings. Citing that I like how they pushed boundaries. He never answered me and is now giving me the cold shoulder.

But I am responsible for my own self and no one else. I can be angry. It's allowed. And I did nothing wrong. I'm about to get on my bike and pedal it all out. Then a guided meditation. I have so many tools now to help, thanks to this program.

Thank you all for reading. I think I'll stick around for a bit. This journey is an ongoing one and this community has been the lynchpin.

 

@homorobothead
Wow, 99% better! That is so fantastic!!!! You really worked the SEP diligently. And you were (are) such a good friend and so helpful on this forum! I hope you do come around sometimes ❤️ What a beautiful post about what you learned; I’m going to bookmark it.

 

"That made me exceedingly angry, because he wasn't thinking about nurturing or understanding this young artist, he just wanted to censor her, without consideration for HER at all. WHat about HER self-expression? He just wanted to pander to a bunch of bureaucrats WHO DIDN'T EVEN ASK FOR HIM TO TAKE THEM DOWN."

Oh, I hear you loud and clear. This kind of crap is 99% of my internal angst!

 

Hi @homorobothead,

My friend. It is so great to see how much progress you made during your journey here. 99% better is simply amazing. I am so happy for you (and a bit jealous also). You are such a great person and you really deserve this. i really hope that you will stick around here as I would definitely miss you and your wise and encouraging comments. I know I still have to answer to your post in the other thread. I will hopefully manage to do it tonight or tomorrow. Today is my last day of the SEP as well.

Last but not least. Is there a place in the internet where i can see the art that you are creating? I am really curious and would love to see some of you art pieces.

 

Thank you so much @JanAtheCPA! Honestly, without your support and guidance, I wouldn't have been able to make this kind of progress. Your consistent voice kept me going. I absolutely love having counsel from my friends who've been around the block and seen it all.

I hope to be able to help others here even a smidgen as much as you have helped me! So, I'll be around.

XOXO,
Rachael (my real name)

 

@Diana-M, Your soft heart is a testament to how beautiful humanity can be. I'm so inspired by someone who has endured hardship like you, but remains so gentle and yet so brave. Thank you so much for your support. I hope I can be as good a friend as you've been to me (and I'll bet everyone you know).

You deserve cheerleading too, so I'm taking the POM POMs now. I have to stick around for the whole game. You got this D-I-A-N-A, you can take your pain away! That's my attempt at a cheer. I was a debate and art club kid (SURPRISE) so my cheers are pretty underdeveloped. lol.

Hugs and hugs,
Rachael

 

@Cactusflower,

I actually think we are kindred spirits in a lot of ways. <3

You inspire me stand up for what's right. No waffling. Brave and true. Thank you for your support and for that unflinching and excellent advice.

Keep on keeping on,
Rachael

 

Bothead! Rachael! You made me cry! ❤️ I don’t know what to say. You’re a really fun great person to know. This is a huge compliment coming from me — a writer and an English major— I’d give my right TMS arm to read a novel written by you! Your writing voice is so strong! Your creativity is a joy. Your soul is so bright and beautiful. we have all been really blessed to have you here and would love for you to stay and visit now and then . thanks for the cheer! it was perfect!
Lots of love,
Diana

 

@berlinale,

I know how it feels to be both happy and jealous of someone you care about. I'm so honored that you feel comfortable enough to tell me that. Here's the thing, I'm staying right here, because I know you can do this and I wouldn't want to miss that (if you plan on sticking around too, that is).

You take your time answering my last post. No pressure!

And yes! my website is www.highstrangeceramics.com I just sold out a big batch, but let me know if you see something you like. I want to make mugs for everyone who has been a part of my support system for no charge obviously, and you've been such a constant and supportive presence. I'm also making these wild angle mugs right now that I haven't documented just yet.

Hugs,
Rachael (my real name)

 

Hi Rachael,

Great to know your real name and even greater to know that you are staying here with us. And thank you so much for sharing your art with us. It is really lovely. The psychedelic spoon rest for example is just great. No wonder that you are sold out. I really love your idea of creating mugs for us and i shows again what we all know here. That you are a such a sweet person. But before you have to ship anything to Germany, please keep "mine" for me at your place. Maybe I will be in your area one time in the future and then I would love to pick it up personally. I cannot promise that this wil ever happen but I love having this idea in my head a lot.

A lot of hugs and a great weekend to you,
Jan

 

I’m interested in the Self Compassion book. Let us know how it goes!

Also I tried clicking on your site link but it didn’t take me anywhere - maybe there’s something wrong with it?

 

I can definitely recommend the book if you are interested in self compassion. there are two versions of the book though, one is a workbook which I recommend. it has exercises in each chapter and comes with downloadable audio files.

I also had problems with the link here to Rachaels webpage it lead me to a microsoft page. I then googled high strange ceramics and i worked fine.

 

@homorobothead
I love that you do ceramics! I’ve never tried doing it before, but like you, am highly creative. We are indeed kindred spirits!

 

These are beautiful! I love ceramics and pottery.

 

@JanAtheCPA, thank you so much for linking everyone. My husband is a computer scientist and he built the website, so he'll be tickled that you like the design. He's working on fixing that little issue with the link as we speak! Those psychedelic patterns were just a little experiment, so I was so surprised everyone liked them as much as they did. I'll have to make some more with different colors.

If you get a chance to see Big Bend, you've got to go. It's so, so beautiful.

I've always admired tax accountants, folks who have this ability to create order and symmetry and a calm linear organization to something as chaotic as people's finances. That requires such patience and care, too. I hope your clients gave you lots of Christmas presents. I know my accountant gets some handmade ceramics and a big batch of cookies every year!