Letting go of trying has helped

In the last four days I've been doing great at pivoting my approach towards pain.. from focusing, fearing, spending hours trying to heal...to just not giving a shit, knowing I'll be fine either way, to not track or analyze pain, and cutting down journaling and meditation to thirty minutes.

I replaced all my tms healing time with woodworking, programing, and more family time.

My anxiety and occasional depression symptoms are almost non existent. I've increased my poor appetite to be ravenous. I've enjoyed my hobbies.

The pain is still there at the same level. At times my mind gravitate towards it and I have to say to myself this is fine but there's nothing to see here.

I've also noticed how often my mind plays critical dialogue in the form of my wife even though she doesn't think what my thoughts say she does (projection)

I'm very happy with the other changes (thought it is a three day weekend and I have to go back to work after a long covid break tomorrow) but I'm a little concerned that the pain hasn't budged at all in this time window. Trigger points in my pain area have actually gotten worse. I don't think I can care any less on my day to day (thought this posting sure seems ironic huh). It feels like a step in the right direction but I suppose I thought my brain would yeild at least a bit with how successfully I was able to embrace that mindset.

 

Wonderful report jamesjamesjames1!

I congratulate you on your progress, both the results and the strong mind you're building. I would not worry about the trigger points or pain. You're building a foundation, and the rest will follow, I believe as you try to fix less, worry less, and enjoy more.

Andy

 

Well, doing THAT tends to prolong symptoms. I would never ask anybody in recovery from TMS to 'track' pain.. that's old fashioned pain clinic dumbness ("rate you pain on a scale of 1-10")

I recovered before I was on the internet. I sometimes wonder if that isn't why I had such a rapid recovery... Just like people who go to AA bug me when they speak incessantly of 'war stories', Unless we're talking about the content of discovered, formerly overlooked truths, discussing or thinking about symptoms is always counter productive.

The discovery's you have made about yourself are really the only thing worthy of your attention... that and maybe looking for other subtlety's that might have gone ignored.

I also had the luxury of NOT being able to ask anybody else about my obsession with 'do I really have TMS?' which every TMSer seems to get.... first we hope that this will work for us and THEN our mind tells us "No... MY pain is real"

It sounds like your in a good place.....going to work , paying attention to stuff like the presumed dialogues of your spouse...all good healthy stuff.

Stay the course and expect recovery. It's OK to get bummed from time to time because our intellectual mind is always weeks ahead of our unconscious....two weeks is an average for me.

Your title is actually a kernel of wisdom. I found out I couldn't stop drinking, so I quit quitting... and then I looked up one day and I finally made it a whole day without a drink.... that's been thousands of days now, but the first one was a bitch! It is totally fine to change your approach... You will look up one day and go "Hey... that hasn't bugged me all day"...and then you'll have thousands of them.

 

I’ve noticed a pattern in myself which this quote speaks to. Whenever something negative/unpleasant/stressful occurs I’m fantastic in the moment. I deal with it just fine. This seques into dark, typically gallows humour and sarcasm and then there’s a buffer of time, a day or two at most, and then the rage flares. Depending on where I am in my menstrual cycle this can flip-flap with ugly crying.

Others times I fly off handle but there is still this same time buffer before sadness hits.

It’s always anger, and then sadness. Once I’m cried out, all is soft and rosy again.

This reminder of the time-lag is something of a heads up. Even us TMS veterans get hoodwinked. I realise that my intellectual mind thinks everything is dandy but lurking beneath is the bubbling rage.

Methinks I ought to get down and dirty in the buffers and drag the emotion into the light before my wonderfully mysterious unconscious does it for me. (Didn’t you say recently to dance with the anger..?)

During these times the darker emotions and TMS (usually trigeminal neuralgia) flare to equal levels and it feels like a bullfight.

It’s a pocket of healing-in-progress and it’s always ushered in by some bs from the in-laws. During periods of no-contact I’m shining. The MIL is in hospital at the moment and I am fine and dandy. Choppy waters ahead...

 

I call the ‘try to heal’ phase spinning your wheels. It’s the psychological equivalent of getting your car stuck in mud or snow and ice. You’re busy going nowhere unless you count drilling down into the useless groove. Getting past this point is a great turning point in ‘healing’ and is typically hall marked by a f*** it moment aka. Outcome Independence.

The endless rehash of war stories as @Baseball65 notes is classic wheel-spinning. It feels good to declare a chapter of your life over and to start over. Four days is not long really. Looking at the clock is just another form of pressure (with its ugly twin criticism waiting in the wings). Once you truly don’t give a shit how long it takes, it tends to take no time at all. TMS is weird like that.

 

A Producer once described me to a publisher "He has a Humorous approach to the Macabre"
However, that sort of dark stoicism can be a liability as regards TMS

Yes we do... and I have found spending time here reading and interacting with others is the best defense against relapse.... I read their dilemma's. I remember that we all very similar.
I NEVER think for a moment that just because I once understood something that I am exempted from that something....cause there is always a new something. Tatata I think the Buddhists call it? The 'suchness' of life.

 

But how oh how? Practice is not making perfect.

 

Tms is so very frustrating. I felt like I was making progress and was having intermittent periods of little or no pain. I was as relaxed as I've ever been, living more in the moment than ever, enjoying myself, and even cried a few times!! I even had a few attempts at symptom imperative!

Past few days have felt like square on pain wise and I can't seem to think what would be triggering me. Work has been engaging but not overwhelming, having fun with my kids, spending time on personal projects, nice weather!

It just SEEMS to be no rhyme or reason and makes me feel like I won't be able to shake this thing for long periods of time or consistently let alone permanently.

Ahh, I'm not usually this negative just looking for an outlet to vent.

 

Hang in there. A lot of times it feels like Rubiks cube, but it aint... I still can't do that damn puzzle but I am pain free.

We all felt that way. It's not true. When that idea comes in, tell it to F off.

TMS is always subtle. It's sitting right behind that thing I am 'ok' with.... that maybe, on really close inspection, I am NOT. Responsibilities and "Being a nice guy".

...and of course, conditioning. I never underestimate the chance of someone else's idea, sneaking in my ear and having kittens in my brain.

-Hang in there

 

I have come to realize that one of the main keys is to stop evaluating how you're doing, how your life is going, are you making progress, etc. It is hard to do and takes mindfulness (awareness that you are engaged in evaluation), followed by a willingness to let it go. This doesn't mean you don't look inward to try to figure out what may be driving your unconscious behavior and contributing to TMS (thinking psychologically). But limit it to a specified period of time daily and then drop it and live your life. Let it unfold. Where you are today on your journey as compared to where you were yesterday is not a useful measure. You are where you are at this point in time, and being present allows you to feel and express your feelings.