Looking for a TMS support buddy

Hi,

my name is Christina. I have posted on here once before. I have been grateful for Sarno's work and I have had some TMS symptoms go away--and some linger and get worse. I always tell myself I am going to get on the wagon and tackle these issues head on (can you hear the self critic?) but I seem to always fall off the wagon. I have the world's most supportive husband, but part of my fears and inner critic is that he will tire of me constantly being on a tms roller coaster. In some ways, he has been tired. As many of you with spouses may have experienced, it's not exactly an easy thing for them either. He is a dutiful husband that works 60+ hour weeks so I can stay home with our beautiful son. While he is happy to be there for me, it is just an extra toll on him. I would love to be able to learn and cope and change and be able to present to him a wonderful gift--a better wife. If I could do this by our third anniversary in January, I would be delighted.

Here is the long story made short--I grew up with parents that were downright awful in some ways and amazing in others. They provided me with the three things I am most grateful for in my life--growing up in a strong Christian household of the reformed tradition (we are Presbyterians); they maintained strong discipline in the home (too much so; there was abuse. However we were well mannered and polite); and they made the most important health decisions ever for me when I was young (a controversial topic. Read between the lines here id you can).

However, my mom left when I was 10. She was a sociopath and my dad is a narcissist. I experienced absolutely no love and nurturing. My 5 siblings were loving in some ways, but it is hard to learn how to properly love in a home like this. Like many of you, I have a harsh self critic and am always trying to live up to unrealistic expectations. The deception is that I succeeded. I graduated with my diploma and AA at 16, went to a four year university where I excelled, and landed a good job where I accomplished all professional goals by the time I was 21 (I thought I shot for the moon and I kind of did.) Most of all, I wanted to get married and have lots and lots of babies. I met the man of my dreams (dreams that God gave me so that he would fulfill later). He is so kind and wonderful. He is gentle and sweet yet firm and guiding as a good husband should be. He sacrifices all of himself every day like Christ does for the church. Truly, if anyone is a picture of Christ's adoration for his bride, it is my husband. I tear up even writing this.

In our first year of marriage, a friend shared Dr. Sarno's work with me. I found the free audiobook of Cure Back Pain on youtube. Because of this, the Lord equipped me to cure my vulvodynia. I had experienced a horrible yeast infection not long after my husband had confessed a porn addiction to me. This is explicit, I know, but important. For about two months I cried if we tried to be intimate because I was in pain. For many months after, it wasn't as bad, but it was still not fully pleasant. Finally, I did the TMS work. When I felt the pain i retrained my brain to feel pleasure. It worked--I had associated the joyful act of marriage with pain because of his actions and my previous promiscuity. Because of this, I knew that Dr. Sarno's work was correct.

I had a baby on August 2, 2022. He is the light of my life and pure joy. He is just like my husband: gentle, mild, sweet, and so affectionate. He is also curious, active, and playful. Unfortunately, I had an unnecessary c section and horrible birth trauma. It grieves me still because I felt pressure to birth the way everyone wanted me to birth. In the end I have battled for months with side effects of a major surgery and drug side effects.

Since I had my son, I have had nonstop health issues. My chronic fatigue that I always had became much worse. I'm always sick. I have an ear infection that won't go away. I am paralyzed with fear that I'll never get better, that I'm a horrible wife, that I am not being a loving servant of the Lord, and that I cannot physically handle having 9 more children (we both come from big families. We want so many babies!!!!). Particularly the last fear is the most prominent for me. It's not that I do not want all of those children, I am just scared of the work.

Cue the chronic fatigue. A friend asked me once what comforts me about sleeping. Easily, I answered that "nothing bad happens when you're asleep." What is there to hate about it? There is peace. From a young age, I dreaded getting up in the morning and leaving the sanctuary of my bedroom. Everyday I greeted the people who hated me for who I was: my parents.

I have been reading some on this blog and I realize that my inner critic is so scary, and even visualizing it, it is terrifying. The thing is, I don't even feel worthy of any compassion. I have a Thomas Watson-level understanding of my sin, but none of the understanding of God's grace. I know that this is a form of self atonement, much like the flagellists of medieval history. However, I seem not to be able to break the cycle. Every day I wake up dreading the day because of obligations--even obligations I love and enjoy! Simply because they have to do them. An example is cooking. Cooking was always an outlet of self expression for me. However now that I must do it for others, my quality of cooking has gone down and I simply dread having to make dinner. But by the end of the day, my inner critic has already bullied and pressured me about a million other things. I used to be extremely active and fit. Now since having a baby, I am overweight and oh so tired. I know that this may be common, but I think that these young years should not be occupied by so much fatigue. I know I "just had a baby," but I firmly believe in mankind's ability to happily and energetically live life. Indigenous cultures do not struggle with energy like we do. They find happiness in the simplicity. So why can't I? I have ultimately realized that I cannot do this on my own. I must surrender to the Lord. Every time I start on improving, I get caught up in every day life and obligations, I forget, and go back to old habits.

If there is a woman willing to walk through this tms journey, exchange phone numbers and stay in touch, I would greatly appreciate it. Preferably a woman of the Lord, as this is such an important factor in my life. I do not discount the experiences of those who do not share my faith though. If there is anyone who is willing to keep in touch that is not a christian, I would happily do so and appreciate your advice and input as much as anyone else's. Thank you SO MUCH for having read this far. I am grateful for a group of people like you all.

 

Hi Chunter:
I read part of this post, and your previous post.
There is no way I would volunteer to be your buddy? Why? Because you need more support than a friend.
You need professional support to work through your stuff and a concrete program that you comity to for yourself. “Falling off the wagon” tells me you have not been ready to make that commitment to yourself yet - which lots of people go through because the mind views this process as undermining it’s old tactics.
There are TMS coaches who will support your journey and teach you TMS skills to help you learn new ways of dealing with anxiety and stress. There is a tms coach who provides Christian services named Jen at Thought by Thought healing.
Ultimately, healing is up to you. Nobody can do it for you. This forum is here to provide fellowship and support but the inner work is all up to you.

 

Thank you so much for this. I really would love to see a TMS therapist and I am so grateful for your suggestion. I am currently doing Accelerated Resolution Therapy for some things, so maybe after I finish that I can look into TMS therapy. The thing is, I have been kind of burned by talk therapy. I have gotten talk therapy throughout the years that I feel did not help at all. I struggle with understanding that there are a million resources online to help heal yourself and shelling out $ for a therapist. My husband is so gracious and provides whatever I need... but it is hard spending a lot of money on therapy that doesn't work. And it's hard to find out sometimes if they work for you until you've had a few sessions and already spent $500!

 

I absolutely understand! That is why having a buddy to talk to would just be so similar to what you are doing.. spinning wheels. Many tms experts don’t recommend talking to anyone about the tms so you can learn the safety of internal work.
The tms coach will teach you. It won’t be just you talking. They will probably quiet you and get you to focus on your physical sense and give you things to work on, or a program to help you work through. Focus less on the details and more on helping you help yourself.
You can quit your current therapy any time if it’s not serving you!

 

oh, I did not know this! Thank you so much for sharing! Well thanks to you a goal we can work towards is saving up to work with Jen after we finish this ART therapy. Thank you a million times! This was truly what I needed to hear right now. And my sweet husband is on board God is so good to me!

 

Chunter:
You can begin doing this work now. For free, one lesson every day.
https://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Structured_Educational_Program (Structured Educational Program)
Free program, and you may find it hard, and you can divide up the lessons (I often did reading one day, lesson the next day).
We’re all here to help each other through this. You can ask questions or make observations.
Jenn has a YouTube channel also called Thought By Thought Healing. She often comes up with amazing insights!