Looking for some advice and also if anyone has experienced similarities

Hello, I am 20 years old and I have been dealing with discomfort for the past 4 months. I am making this post to ask for any advice and to see if anyone has experienced similarities

So to start my story. For some background have always had ocd as a kid. However it never bothered me much. Some examples are that when I was around 10 years old I would get up from bed over 10 times a night to check if my closet was fully closed since I had my horror books in there. Later on when I got big into soccer I started practicing this one move I was good that. However I gave up on practicing any other move, and just practiced one move for years which eventually became a big harm for my soccer career as I stopped being versatile.

Fast forward to where my problems started. I was dealing with a break up with my girlfriend which greatly affected me and I also had hocd at the time where I was afraid of any gay thoughts etc. this got annoying but was never fully debilitating. However one weekend I took 3 small doses of lsd 3 days in a row to study for a test and to feel good. I was experienced with lsd before this and took many high doses, just never 3 days in a row, but I didn’t think it was a problem since I this time I only took microdoses for this 3 days. The second night my hypochondria kicked in as I had surgery on my testicle when I was young, which caused me a lot of trauma since the doctors treated me bad and every couple years since I would get some hypochondria. However I never experienced pain and after going to the doctors I would always calm down. However this time I started self exploring my testicles and having a panic attack and eventually I started feeling pain. I assumed the pain would go away and I went to sleep. But the next day the pain was not gone. I made a mistake of taking a microdose the next day aswell since I had the test that day and I wanted to be sharp but the whole time I was obsessing over my pain. It caused me to go to the hospital and get an ultrasound which came back all clear. I was super relieved and assumed the pain would go away but it never did over the course of 3 months. It has been 4 months I have been dealing with the pain. I have been to multiple doctors and gotten multiple ultrasound which all come back all clear. The only thing is that I have a small cyst but the doctors tell me that is benign and shouldn’t cause any pain. However the compulsions to constantly check my testicles, and the discomfort I am dealing with has been a huge negative impact on my life.

I started following tms and got a lot of relief however the discomfort never fully went away. However it did get a lot better and I reduced my compulsions and right when I thought I was almost in the clear I started performing my compulsions of checking again and I currently experiencing a huge flare. This has caused me to be depressed, and loose a lot of wait and generally give me a bleak outlook of my future. I feel like ever since this problem started I am unable to let go fully and just be content.

I know my tms and ocd play a big part, but I am worried at the potential impact lsd could have caused. I know psychedelics rewire the brain and I am afraid I caused some real damage. Normally in the past if I had a bad psychedelic experience I would just go back in when I am ready, and rewired my brain in a positive way, however this time is different as I am reluctant to try psychedelics again as I feel like they could potentially make the problem even worse. I have been staying clear of all drugs other then nicotine but this problem has been causing me to struggle for the past 4 months. My pain currently is more of a discomfort and is a 2/10. And sorry for the tmi but I don’t even feel it when I am naked so I am thinking it might just be Hyperawarness of my testicles rubbing against my underwear. Especially since my right testicle has always felt different and unsymmetrical since my surgery. however the constant uncomfortable feeling puts me in fight or flight mode, and I have constant anxiety about and I just can’t seem to let it go. I am afraid of my future as I am afraid this problem will continue to haunt me and I just want to wake up from the nightmare the I am having. I just want to feel like my old self.

By now I know there is no physical problem with me as I have been to multiple doctors but I still can’t shake the problem. I am wondering if anyone could give me some tips to manage. Feeling like I am recovering and then having a flare up breaks my down. I am also afraid the lsd triggered some permanent damage. Please let me know if you have any similar experiences or just any advice to manage and move past this.

Thank you so much, I am sorry for the long read. Any help would be tremendously appreciated.

 

Hi Me,

I don't think the LSD caused harm to your brain, but your thinking and fear definitely have your brain in a tailspin.

Please tell your brain and nervous system that you are safe. Tell your fear and anxiety that you "hear" it and are going to take care of yourself emotionally.

Part of taking care of yourself emotionally is to stay away from self sabotage. Self sabotage takes many forms. In my own case, I had to use discipline to stop googling symptoms on the internet. Nothing will send me into anxiety and fear faster than reading other people's "horror" stories about their illnesses.
For you, it might be staying away from recreational drugs that give you a short term pleasure and long term anxiety and fear. And, maybe it's even looking at why you read horror books if....as a child...they kept you awake.

Instead of focusing on your fear, write out a list of everything you do in a week. Then, circle the ones that make you feel emotionally stable and at peace. Let the rest of them go, one by one. Even if it's as simple as spending too much time thinking about your body.

Finally, I would suggest this. You are 20 years old. You have a whole, happy, healthy life ahead of you. You're going to go through ups and downs and trials and errors, so you're not going to have your "previous" self back. You're body is completely capable of taking care of you. Let it do that.
You get on with being a young person who is curious and interested in all that life has to offer.

Don't sign up for a life of hell. Do the TMS work and get on with it. I trust you can.

Marcia