Day 4 Making More Sense Now

When I sit down to journal each day it makes perfect sense what my body is doing to distract me from the emotional pain. I get all fluttery inside, I find a bazillion things to distract me from the writing: warm up my coffee, let the dog out, finish the dishes in the sink, gotta run to the bathroom......It seems like breaking a cardinal rule to be whining and moaning a groaning in a deliberate way. I've worked like a maniac to be positive and upbeat and "good" in my approach to life. Who wants to be around a complainer? I notice how when I am alone and driving in my car how I curse other drivers and how judgmental I am of strangers when I am in the privacy of my own car. I mean afterall, anger is one of the seven deadly sins.....they just never mentioned that it's yourself you are killing with your anger when you are so "good".

 

I know exactly what you mean Kathy! Anything to keep myself from going inside that scary maze that is my mind. EVERYTHING has to be done before I can make myself sit and write. And when I finally do, the physical pain intensifies and the thoughts won't come. I laugh when I see that a journaling exercise will take 15-20 minutes because it usually takes me that long to actually start the journaling part when I try to write. The start of most of my entries read more like a news report, as if I have to describe the situation and lay out all the facts to support my perspective before I can let my feelings flow. I continuously have to remind myself that I am not writing for anyone but me. I don't need to describe the event or feeling because if it's strong enough for me to be writing about, I'm already much to familiar with it. And I find I have to pacify "little Leslie" and keep telling her that it's ok to have the feelings and write about them, I'm not writing to hurt or harm anyone, I'm doing it to help myself.

 

Yes, Leslie! I have to work at talking about the feelings, identifying the feelings, locating the feelings in my body. I just drove almost 1000 miles pulling a trailer through the mountains to relocate for a job, so I am frazzled and trying to get into a groove. It's so nice to have a "real" excuse not to be journaling lately with packing to go, finding a place to live, unloading, unpacking, training and long hours. I vow not to stop my daily writing. It is revealing so much to me if nothing else. The fear seems to be all about protecting my ego every time I write. Ouch. Thanks for replying!