Day 6 Making Small Progress!

Today started off with another morning of waking up with an anxiety attack but I powered through, meditated a little and moved on passed it.

Started getting dizzy/off-balance again with ear crackling and just drank some water and was like must be allergies, I know what you are trying to do brain!

Our company has "Summer Fridays" where we leave at 1pm during the summer. Today was a big test for me because my family is away, friends were still working and I had no plans all afternoon, which has been what a lot of where my "boredom anxiety" & fear has stemmed from. I started lingering at work a bit then finally just started talking to myself saying the reason you are getting tension headache/head pressure is your fear of being alone and bored at your house by yourself all afternoom. In just doing that, the pain started to lessen a bit and even go away in certain places, as well as the dizziness! I also read the cliff notes version of Claire Weekes "Unlearn Your Anxiety" which was also really helpful.

I was able to come home, do some yard work/mow the lawn and some other errands, all without any pain!

While I was mowing the lawn, a bit of suppressed rage came to mind randomly.

I've always been a "goodist type guy." Typically, I make friends a bit easier with females than males. I love sports, but don't know every statistic about everything like most guys my age. I love music of all kinds (gangsta rap, rock, 80s, pop, r&b, alternative, everything) and inappropriate/politically incorrect humor. However, I have never been a "macho" kind of guy that engages in locker room talk, lifting weights (I'm a runner), objectifying woman, or engaging in super immature behavior. Where I grew up, this kind of limited my "inner circle" of male friends to a handful.

One of my best friends John and I met Freshman year of high school where I introduced him to one of my other best friends (they are now married). Because I was desperate to keep a circle of male friends, I engaged in basically every stereotypical "goodist" behavior, including: picking him up all the time, doing small favors for him when I didn't really want to, going out of my way to be liked and be a good friend. I even went INTO the city during the day of the Boston Marathon Bombing to pick him up from his job (I work 30 min outside the city) so he wouldn't risk public transportation and his safety.

Fast-forward a few years to last year where he got engaged to my other best friend. Of course I was thrilled for them, but the time for the "Wedding Party" came. Part of me was expecting to be the "best man" and when I found out he chose his fiance's cousin to be his best man with her other cousin being the maid of honor, I was a bit crushed/disappointing. I shrugged it off that it wasn't a big deal, I didn't care and I didn't want to cause a scene to ruin their wedding planning. However, deep down I was secretly pissed. How could he pick someone else after over 10 years of me going out of my way to do EVERYTHING to be a good friend.

I never realized I was suppressing that until today. Our relationship is much more balanced now, as I don't really go out of my way to do anything for him, but we still equally text each other about sports teams, grabbing a drink, rap music, etc.

That's all for today. Going to do some yoga, dinner and drinks at a friends house later tonight. Drinks TWO nights in a week, who am I?

See ya later.