Day 22 More Layers to this Onion

My back pain has been traveling up and down from my sacrum to my left hip, to sciatica up to my right shoulder. On occasion it will move to either side of my ribs. It feels like I am going back in time to some of the pains I first felt back when TMS was just starting to set in and the fear in my life was beginning to grow.

The pain is also coming and going, which I take as a good sign. It does eventually go away which is a sign that I am doing something right also. I am accepting that it is here and I believe that the emotions attached to it are ready to be felt and other things associated with are ready to be dealt with.

The night this came up, after being at the beach, I had a dream about two of my most critical teachers in grad school. They represent my inner critic. I picked up where they left off. I began to put so much pressure on myself to be a good poet, creative artist and painter - basically the same thing I did with fishing. Only this was to prove them wrong, to remain strong in the midst of what felt like abuse (criticism).

I can feel inside of me a struggle for TMS to try and take hold and my beliefs in myself to try and stabilize. It feels like I am rocking back and forth on a boat.

I know that this pain isn't structural. I know I can not change the past but I can continue to work on the future. I can be accepting of myself, continue to accept and work on my tendencies toward perfectionism, to accept that I am a competent, creative person who does not have to continue to measure myself to others. This is easier said than done.

What became a love for Art and writing has become a rocky relationship, one where I compare myself to others and wonder if I am any good anymore, or whether my endeavors to continue will result in failure. And there is the root - "a rocky relationship" which feels like a tug of war I described earlier. The answer is there, let the doubts settle and work themselves out and build my confidence and keep reminding my inner self to accept and cool off with the criticism. I have had more than enough training to know what to trust in my creative work.

 

Great to see you're well on your way Jokeysmurf!

Comparing ourselves to others rarely ever helps; and with art you've got an even greater challenge because you know that you'll always get some criticism. Confidence in yourself is key!

Rejoice in the fact that your pain is moving... it's no longer able to stick to one location because it's not having its desired effect any more. Eventually it will stop altogether if you keep applying the same mindset.

 

Thanks Miriam