Day 18 Most prevailing feeling.

To my surprise it's anger. I would expect it to be sadness, before I started writing. But sadness was almost not mentioned in my entries, despite the fact that I thought -and is considered- to be over-sensitive. On the contrary I saw that I have been angry and stayed calm almost all my life. I was angry at my parents, my sister, my friends, my abusive long-term boyfriend....At some moment I realized I was angry at some moments/people I wouldn't recall at once. They came up as I dag and wrote.
The other feeling is regret especially for not acting as I wanted but acting in the way -I thought- people would expect me to be, being indecisive or not standing up for myself when I had to so in fact it is anger directed to myself.
Fear is the second one, fear of being not liked, not acting right, making wrong choices, not being appreciated, failing, becoming physically restricted and losing my loved ones.

 

I definitely felt mad at myself for many of my life choices, until I read Dr. Harville Hendrix's book "Keeping The Love You Find" and learning about how we are shaped based on how and when we were wounded during the various stages of child development. Today (Day 24) I also read articles in the Program about "goodism" and being a "caretaker". Those also helped me realize that so much of why we did what we did was based on conditioned responses to things growing up that were completely outside of our control.
I still acknowledge when I feel regret or shame or anger towards myself... but then I forgive myself and move on...

 

Thank you for your response Lainey, I will think about what you said.