Day 18 Most Prevalent Emotions

I've known for quite some time that my most prevalent emotion is always fear. But after journaling today, I realized there is a lot of anger about my being haunted with fear all the time. I just want to stop being afraid of everything. That constant fear creates constant pain in my body. Anger is obviously present because depression is sitting on my doorstep right now and I am well aware that depression is repressed anger, but I feel lost and don't know what to do other than continuing the structured program, journaling, and finding a counselor as soon as we have insurance this month. Wishing there were TMS trained doctors or therapists in my area. I don't know anyone around here yet so I'm not sure how to go about finding someone who could still assist me. I guess we will just have to see what happens- though waiting to see what happens, is not a comfortable process for me
Thanks for listening.
Megan

 

Hey Megan

You're not lost, you're here, you're taking control of your life and your pain and that's no mean feat believe me! I know what it's like to feel alone and desperate and at times like those it really is very hard to focus on anything good in you life but you are here, working on getting your life back and you should acknowledge your courage and determination. Patience is not something I am good at either so I do understand, I just want to be well now (!) and I am really having to stop myself from squeezing a few days assignments into one, but I do believe that I have a lot of work to do and reading and exploring this site will help me find the life I am looking for.

Some people I've come across seem to keep a "Good" book where they write down all the things that either make them smile or things they have achieved on a daily basis so that when you feel lost, you can pick up your book and put a smile back on your face. The things you write down don't have to be major, they can be anything trivial such as the sun was shining today, the trees are finally blossoming in my garden, my husband brought me cup of tea in bed, my daughter took her first step, I watched a bird tuck into the seed I had put out for it, I really enjoyed my lunch today, I walked to the end of the road and back with very little pain, etc. I haven't tried this myself yet but I think I will now that I've started programme as I think it will be paramount in helping me keep focus when I start digging up those emotions that I have been trying to hide from and that all too easily consume me!

Be strong and good luck!
Maria

 

Maria,
Thank you for the reminder on the importance of gratitude. I am trying to remember to always do this after journaling.

 

I used to keep a gratitude journal and yes I would like to start it up again. One thing that I'm hard on myself about is that I start things like this and do good for a while, but then I eventually just stop. I have this all or nothing personality (perfectionist) and if I don't do it everyday perfectly, then I've failed and don't do it at all. I guess it's better to pick right back up and continue the gratitude journal than it is for me to say, "you didn't stay with it before and you will probably fail again so why even try." I'm trying to find that middle ground between the all or nothing viewpoint. Thanks for the reminder Maria

 

That middle ground is tough to find, Megan. Especially when you're not used to looking for it, and as perfectionists we certainly are not used to looking for it because until now it was a completely unacceptable place to be as far as we were concerned! When I first learned about the TMS personality traits I thought the only one I had was perfectionism...boy was I wrong. Turns out that wasn't even the strongest one. The more I learned the more convinced I've become that fear is in first place for me because it's the underlying cause motivating the people-pleaser and the perfectionist (2 and 3 respectively) in me.

It sounds as though your fear is motivating your perfectionist to continue to try to be in control of your TMS healing, most likely because it's what you know and it's coming naturally for you. The most important thing I've learned from the TMS work so far (and admittedly also the hardest lesson, which I have to review EVERY single day) is that the perfectionist tendencies, although very valuable in other areas of life, don't do anyone any favors when it comes to TMS healing - they perpetuate it. It's hard to do, but if you can put the "you" that you are when you're on vacation (you know that one who doesn't look at a calendar because she doesn't want to see the end of vacation coming, the one that is reading something because she wants to not because she has to, who is miles away from the "to do" lists posted on the refrigerator) in charge of the TMS healing the recovery time will improve.

The funny thing about waiting to see what happens is that, as uncomfortable as it is for so many of it, it's actually not waiting at all. "What happens" is occurring the entire time we're "waiting to see", we just don't see it because our focus is in the wrong place. We're busy looking for what is going to happen when we'd be so much better served (and experience so much less stress and anxiety/fear) if we kept our focus on what IS happening, right here, right now. Remember, anxiety and fear live in the future, when we're feeling either of those it's because our thoughts have left the present.

 

Leslie, THANK YOU so much. I keep reading your post over and over. I am continuously appreciative of your kind and wise words. You have no idea.