Day 18 Most prevalent emotions

In my journalling so far, the most prevalent emotions are sadness, shame, guilt and anger.

I've been a bit surprised at the anger that has come out, and also relieved, because I know this is an emotion I am afraid of, in myself and others. These last 18 days of journalling have been quite deep and really honest. I have faced that I am still putting the needs of others ahead of my own. I am so pleased to be feeling better, and also feeling the pull to jump back in and over-commit myself. Tonight, I didn't go to the rehearsal, instead I stayed home to make myself a nice meal and spend my time here, with my journalling and some reading. (bit of guilt!)

I can feel all these emotions, sadness, shame, guilt and anger, as the awareness of Borderline Personality Disorder is surfacing again. I seem to have connection with quite a few people with this diagnosis. I have come to compassion and peace with spiritual inquiry and understanding about what is going on deep within people that can be diagnosed this way. And yet again, I'm facing the fact that I was drawn in by someone, and it's getting very stressful and how did I not see this coming yet again?? (peaking with my extreme pain that sent me to the doctor and landed me here) Sadness, for both of us. Shame at the seeming bad choices I make. Guilt for feeling angry and hurt and loving and wanting real distance and no contact right now while I heal. Anger for being taken in, giving and giving and giving, until I have nothing (it seems and feels) more to give. And still they want more. I did a search here yesterday to find if anyone else has talked much about this here. I thought that was a subject I had put behind me, but I can see I haven't.

And I can see a big connection between the stress of these relationships and the illnesses and pain I have had. Back pain and psoriasis that healed with a divorce. Depression that seemed so deep when I'm in relationships and then is gone when I'm free. Back pain that morphed and greatly intensified in another relationship. And most recently, this hip and leg pain that got really scary and limiting, as I come to the awareness of some deeper issues in a spiritual loving partnership that I had such high expectations of. Yet again I feel like a relationship has used me up, physically and emotionally. I don't like this feeling.

And for the first time, I was more clear about how I am feeling, more honest, and said (to this partner) I won't be taking any phone calls. I will answer messages when I'm ready. And sometimes I will read messages and not respond right away. (feels so harsh!) And I identified the main emotion when contemplating resuming contact with this person...wary. I told him that too. Luckily we have not been living together, and actually live on different continents! (some saving grace, haha, yes there is still a sense of humour in me, and a light and a realisation that I am ok and will be ok)