Day 10 Mother Issues...

Hi All,

I've just begun this program and so far it all really resonates with me. I am discovering that my 'frozen shoulder' is distinctly related to my Type 1 Diabetes, which I have had since childhood, and my guilt for "putting her through that" (as my Mother told me, in a very offhand way, a number of times).

I love my Mum, and I know she would not be able to cope with me confronting her about this, or even speaking to her about it. She would just cry, avoid and then attack, and it would just make both of us feel worse. I know this because this is what happens whenever we talk about anything 'real'. Ironically, I won't "put her through that".

My question to you all is, do you believe it is possible to process and heal from emotional wounds, without actually speaking to the offender directly?

Please help!

 

Everything I have read so far says we don't have to solve the problem, just be aware of it and stop repressing it, feel the emotion.

I have had success so far doing this so I do believe it is true. Feel our emotions.

 

Did your poll mean to say "heal without"?

 

Yes!! Oh man... that's the crucial part of it! I can't see how to edit it

 

Thank you so much. That means a lot and I'm so glad you've had success with this. It gives me hope.

 

Ugh, this resonates so much with me. The underlying issues are different, but I too feel like I can't confront my mother or even have a discussion. It would just break her heart, and it wouldn't solve anything at all. In the end, I need to find peace for myself.
And then maybe it won't be such a chore for me to call her and be nice. I know we're not supposed to be do-gooders, but come on, she's old, and she's my mother. I really do want to be the bigger person here. I find it really hard, though, and it stresses me out.
My next unsent letter will be to her, I guess.

Edited to add: As I pressed post, the phone rang and my mother called to chitchat! I just let her ramble on and I feel pretty good about myself now. I don't even feel stressed out.

 

Yes I definitely believe that you can heal without confronting the perpetrator . Some of the journaling I have done for the SEP has been helpful in that regard and I have written some "very strong stuff" to the perpetrators which would be too much to actually say to their face. So, in a way, there is a freedom to really really let it all out on paper that is not there in person.

 

The core belief I have had my entire life is to "not dwell on things". Be happy, by supressing my thoughts was the message I got from my family/culture. This new way of thinking is definitely contradicting to that belief. So, when I bring up a thought, I think about it for a little bit, but then switch to Alan Gordons somatic tracking (http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/ (Pain Recovery Program)) after I bring it up and just start being aware of it, observing how I feel from the outside.

My main source of pain (lower back) is not gone yet, but definitely lessened and I must say, since I started exercising with high intensity again, I have had at least 20 times where pain has come whether it is a upper back muscle, a neck/head muscle, foot muscle, back spasm etc. I follow what I learned so far and next thing I know it is gone, and I am surprised every single time!

It feels so good to exercise again and not be afraid of hurting something.

But ultimately, I haven't confronted anyone that I have issues with or anger/sadness towards. It wasn't neccessary to heal the rupture to start seeing results. I am sure it would be better but if I could, and maybe I will some day, but I am having good results with just becoming aware and not supressing these emotions which are 99% anger and I never would have considered myself an angry person. I do thank Alan Gordons program tremendously so far. And reading the success stories at http://thankyoudrsarno.org (Thank You, Dr. Sarno) and https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Back-Pain-Mind-Body-Connection/product-reviews/0446557684 (Amazon.com: Customer reviews: Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection) ... those are key.

 

I am also taking a group therapy class in Portland right now that was created by Thomas Lynch () and taught by Katherine Calvert, LCSW. It is for "overcontrolled" people... and an overcontrolled person, such as myself, is one who "keeps it together" quite well, on the outside with occasional/rare bursts of pressure. Which perfectly describes my life. I supress the anger, and am overcontrolled. The overlap with the TMS is striking, and Katherine isn't even aware of TMS yet (I mentioned it but that is all) but they are so closely aligned that I have become aware of how both of them are leading towards the same outcome and I am very happy to have discovered both at the same time.

 

Oh, one other thing that helped a bunch is Alan Gordon's lesson on Feeling your Feelings. My wife said that she saw Ne-Yo on TV the other day and his mother told him something like "if you're sad, cry, if your happy, laugh". Which lines up with what Alan is saying. So more and more lately, if I am sad, I _try_ to cry, and not hold it back. And if I am angry, I will let out some noise to go along with it (still controll this and confine it to a private room though) and mostly, I let out a lot of audible sighs. For example, I take a big breath (not intentionally, but because of anxiety) and instead of just sighing, I let out the sound of what that feels like in addition to sighing, which really helps a lot, although does affect those around me, so I definitely don't do it in public.

Feel your Feelings is a great lesson from Alan here http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/ (Pain Recovery Program). Really, really, really got a lot out of that one!

 

Hrm, it auto linked an older lesson, I think this is the one I am talking about http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/day-17-leaning-in-to-your-feelings.16641/ (New Program - Day 17: Leaning in to Your Feelings)

 

I like that "if you're sad, cry if you're happy, laugh". thanks a lot for this wonderful advice and for sharing Alan Gordon's lesson

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and practical response. Its really helpful. I will continue with lots of hope!! <3

 

Helly, i am a Dr. sarno veteran so to speak. Ten years ago i had a laminectomy, cortisone shots, dorn, method, alexander method, carney method... everything you can think of and more. A friend gave me the mind over back pain book and at first i was almost insulted. Unlike her, who sat at home and enjoyed life, i had a “real” problem, peoven by my surgery and the MRIs and other imaging, showing my bulging discs. Needless to say, like many others, a week later i was cured. I gave the book throughout the years to other people, and if their mind was open to it, they were also almost instantly better. Now i have what they called “postinfectious syndrome”, and all my tests say i am ok, except i am not. I am writing to tell you that i had similar issues with my parents, and i wrote them a letter and sent it. It was not received as i would have hoped. In restrospect, the psychologist who heard my story said, it was very good to write that letter. It was less good to send it, the point is for you to acknowledge the trauma and to put it to rest. So you are doing great, keep at it.

 

I’m so sorry your letter was not received the way you had hoped. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me. It makes a lot of sense. I was able to picture my mother’s reaction (and my subsequent reaction TO HER reaction) and I now know for sure that actually telling her would be extremely counterproductive, and probably result in even more pain. Thank you again, this means a lot.