Mother Issues...

Hi All,

I've just begun this program and so far it all really resonates with me. I am discovering that my 'frozen shoulder' is distinctly related to my Type 1 Diabetes, which I have had since childhood, and my guilt for "putting her through that" (as my Mother told me, in a very offhand way, a number of times).

I love my Mum, and I know she would not be able to cope with me confronting her about this, or even speaking to her about it. She would just cry, avoid and then attack, and it would just make both of us feel worse. I know this because this is what happens whenever we talk about anything 'real'. Ironically, I won't "put her through that".

My question to you all is, do you believe it is possible to process and heal from emotional wounds, without actually speaking to the offender directly?

Please help!

 

Hi Helly, I can totally relate to how you are feeling and the want to discuss this with your mom and heal that relationship. I tried that approach with my mom and it didn't end well. In fact, she called me a liar denied everything and we no longer have a relationship at all. If anything in my case, it was far more hurtful than healing.

I thought before in order to heal, I had to fix all these things in my past. For me, it's not true. I am beginning to understand that TMS is all about fear. Those past events may have primed us to be more hypervigilant and set the stage for TMS, but it's our current fear; fear of symptoms and stress off life that's continuing the symptoms.

I wish you the best!

 

Hi Helly

Healing the relationship may be your wish, but there is never a guarantee that this will be the balm to cure your ailments. Write down what troubles you, what emotions come to the fore when thinking back on the 'attack' on you by your Mum's insensitive approach, or her actions, or whatever it is that saddled you with this guilt, anger and probably rage. Your approaching your Mum with these memories would most likely create another defense on her part and would not offer you the solace you so seek. The only person you can change is yourself. How can you begin to let this go, move on and change your own hurt mind, (consequently your hurting body). This is your work, maybe, at some point in time, your Mom will relax with this new found you and you can begin to forge a new, adult relationship, but do not hold your breath. All of us have our demons and I'm sure hers come from her own past traumas.

Helly had a traumatic experience in trying to repair her relationship with her Mom. She learned the hard way that approaching your nemesis is not always the best path to healing. Read Sarno's books, Ovanich's 'The Great Pain Deception' and many others. This is YOUR work, not your Mum's. You can do this. My own TMS issues stem from many beginnings. Most of the individuals that were participants are no longer living, although some are, yet I came to realize that this is MY work. Relationships may change but your life can still be good, regardless.

Kindly, Lainey

 

Sorry I meant Ash86 when referring to the traumatic experience.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It means a lot and is very helpful. Ash86 I'm sorry about your Mom but wish you well with YOUR recovery and Lainey, everything you have said makes so much sense. Thank you both.

 

Well put! As you do your inner work (and writing very honest letters to your mother is a good start, which you keep to yourself) things will relax both in you, and in time, in your relationship. Even if you never "repair" the relationship, you will become more differentiated. In this differentiation, you can be you and as you see her, who she is will not hook you as much. This itself is very healing.

 

Hi Helly. I totally understand the issue you raised re your mum. My relationship with my mother was very similar.

Just to add my experience of using the tool of writing/journaling. Long before the TMS set in (about six or seven years ago) I joined a 12th step fellowship and was introduced to writing as an aid to recovery. I have to say it is one of the most useful tools that I have. I write every morning, sometimes stream of consciousness, sometimes tacking specific issues. Occasionally, as suggested by other commenters, I write letters to people, living or dead that I have had or have difficulty with, which I don't send but it really gets the pain, anger, obsession out of my head and onto paper where it is much easier to cope with and examine objectively. I generally then burn what I have written - this removes the danger of someone finding and reading it(!) but it also has a symbolic meaning for me in that I am somehow letting the universe or cosmos or whatever deal with the issue and I don't have to hug it so tightly to myself in the future.

 

Thank you so much. This is really helpful. I will continue...