Day 9 Moved forward anyway

Had planned to just go over to the a place to try to do some work today and was going to drive because... oh so many reasons... even though it's a relatively short walk that I wouldn't have even thought twice about in the past.

Then, it kept getting a bit later and a bit later and thought, "No need to go! Look at yourself anyway (symptoms embarrassing!) and it will likely cause a major flair exacerbating all of this, already feeling pain and that digestive stuff, and you should stay inside since the sun is so intense right now, you can try to do some work here even more easily." Oh the internal dialogue!!

BUT, I put on a hilariously large brimmed hat and step by step - literally because I walked! - went over to the place - listening to the internal dialogue the whole way!

Didn't end up doing work there, but sat for a few minutes and journaled and then headed back. Building blocks.

Today's question to ponder was about being self-critical -- and well, yeah, even today when trying to do something simple like go out to this place caused a cascade of self-criticism and even once I returned from it kept on going. Sigh.
Then, the question to ponder was "why?"
And, I really have to think about that. It definitely is about protection and safety. And, I guess the self-criticism is trying to protect me from different things at different times, for sure. SO much of it feels very fundamental to survival in many ways. And, the self-critical part of me is like "And see it's worked... it's gotten you here" But I think now, it's time to also respond internally with, "uh, yeah see, it's gotten you here - to *this* current state so seems a good time for a reassessment to the value of it!"
But, yeah... random thoughts and hmmm, lots to continue to think / feel about

 

Woohoo!!!! Yay!!!! You WENT against the grain! You put a stake in the ground and declared your life is yours! Soooooo great! Good for you!

Self criticism (low self esteem) is a trait a lot of TMSers have. I sure did, and still do. But mine has greatly improved due to a book called Feeling Good, by David Burns. LOVE this book!

 

I feel like being self critical (for me) was a way to make sure I'm doing everything right. That I wasn't making a mistake. It is/was a defense mechanism too. If I catch myself failing first, if others make a comment then I've already beaten them to it. It wouldn't hurt as bad when they said it to me. Terrible logic but that is something I have learned about myself and what I have to work on.

 

Yes! I think you’re right about that. It’s to keep us safe. (if you have critical parents, I think you learn it at a very young age because you don’t want their criticism. so you monitor yourself first before they do. And also it factors in with a child’s survival skills— they need to please their parents because they need their parents to survive. that’s all on a primitive level, but it’s really in there.)

 

Yup-my mom was super critical of everything I did! Still is....

 

Oh I’m sorry! ❤️

 

I can sadly totally relate to this! Definitely something in there about protection for me, but as you say "terrible logic" as it can often just mean receiving the criticism/pain twice (or more!) and it STILL hurts.
However, never stopped me from continuing to do it in almost every area of my life - sigh. Even now with the program, I find myself doing it. Alas, awareness is the first step - if I can at least notice, "Oh there it is again!" then there is hope to adjust!
Thanks for sharing your experience.

 

Nice! Yeah, I have found that sometimes I can tell I don't want to do something out of habit because of how long my pain has persisted. But now, when I do something anyway, it turns out that the symptoms get better instead of worse like they used to. It feels counterintuitive, but I can't deny that it's worked! Glad to hear you're trying things out