Movement

This is an update. I’ve been on this forum 6 months. And, I’ve been rather obsessive. So so frantically seeking relief. Studying, trying, journaling, discussing. I’ve worn myself out. And recently, I just gave up trying to do this fast and furious. I’ve almost given up completely. I’m just living.

I’ve learned a lot and changed a lot internally. And all this time, I’ve moved at a snail’s pace in physical healing. Slower than your average snail, actually.

More recently, I’ve been pushing the envelope, physically. Doing things through the pain. It started with walking in the living room. Then doing the dishes. And now cooking a little.

I began to work at my computer. And I go up and down the steps twice a day sometimes. I dyed my own hair. I cleaned the bathroom and emptied my indoor trash cans. All of this required an effort against the pain. A big effort.

Then this week I began having excruciating pain before bed. I could hardly move. It was honestly the worst I’ve had so far. It was SO tempting to get sucked into the message that SOMETHING IS WRONG! But instead, I said, “Yay! Something is very right,” or my primitive brain would not be putting up this fight.

This morning I feared I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. My legs were like stiff pieces of lifeless bologna swallowed in pain. My whole body hurt. I thought how easy it would be to just give up and stay in bed. Maybe forever.

But I DID get up. And I DID make oatmeal. And I DID move my laptop to the desk and plug it in. And I DID finish my work project and I didn’t once think about how I am accomplishing it with really only one hand. I honestly don’t care anymore how it gets done. I did a good job. Then, I made myself a big lunch and did all the dishes.

As I finished all this, I realized I was in less pain. Not NO pain. Just a lot less than this morning.

All day I pictured being free of TMS. And I pictured peace. I pictured going outside for walks and eating out in restaurants. Though, in reality, I don’t have any of these things yet. I pictured continuing to do what I’m doing and adding more.

I downloaded another audible Claire Weekes book, Freedom From Nervous Suffering, and started listening. And I meditated for an hour listening to spa music with water sounds.

This is what my life looks like right now… in case it’s of use to anyone. The road is not easy. The pain is real, but also an illusion. Am I brave enough to wrestle my life back from a mushy gray organ that is making all these decisions to limit me? Yes. I believe I am.

Who’s in control here? My soul and my will. That’s who.

Tomorrow I’ll do it again.
(All of you helped me! Thank you so much! <3)

 

This is so inspiring. I’m excited for you!

 

I’m glad it’s inspiring! I feel so far from a success story. But at least I’m still on the road.

 

That’s how it’s done!

 

I was hoping you’d say that!

 

Every time I've had intense symptoms is when I noticed I was facing my fear and doing more or resisting bad habits. I am not surprised you had the worst pain before bed one week. I know it sucks but it looks like you're doing things right!

Yesssss!

Yay! It's the little things and I can totally relate to this. Going through depression earlier this year, I had to make a plan to do little things like get up, wash my face, make some yogurt with fruit, sit in the sun -- it was like trudging through mud before things began getting easier and easier and I was inspired to do even more and more. Man, you're on your way out!

 

This makes me excited! So glad you think I’m on track! It really does get overwhelming. The depression is crushing. You are a true inspiration! <3

 

"it was like trudging through mud before things began getting easier" - that's exactly how ending your suffering works. And you kept at it until you found your way out the other side!

 

This is the best thing that you could have done - because it was all pressure, pressure, pressure that you were putting on yourself. In this video Dan says "you're going to get better when you no longer care when that happens":