My Journey

Hi TMS wiki,

First time posting. I am a 34 year old male who believes to suffer from TMS symptoms/pain in the lower back.

My symptoms came and went shortly after my wife became pregnant. 13 visits to a new therapist before the holidays to see my family, while my wife was pregnant.

From the month before my child was born till my chronic back pain settled in June, I met w/ my therapist 18 more times.

I was grappling deeply with my emotions and traumas.

Although miraculous and beautiful, bringing a child into this world was extremely stressful for me. I was undergoing a look in the mirror based on years past selfish behaviors that created a profound sense of guilt within side of me. This all was resolved and worked through with my partner. I also ended a friendship with the best man at my wedding whom I lived with for years. My parents were the last people I informed about my wife being pregnant. I would have to face the needs of my abusive parent’s need to be grandparents.

My father at war during her pregnancy. My mother was all alone. My father was drunk when I was born. When my father moved my mother to a new state when I was 3, she said she had been getting treated for an inner ear imbalance/panic attacks that lasted for 2 years. She had no friends, or support and her marriage was falling apart. She said it was the darkest time in her life and she was forever changed.

I don’t have memories of that age, but if she used me at the time to be responsible for her emotional needs as she has done throughout the life I can recall, then I cannot imagine the impression that left on me. An emotionally volatile mother that I witnessed at a young age and throughout my adolescence cry hundreds if not thousands of times.

I was yelled at daily by my mother. My hair pulled for years. She claims she finally stopped when she noticed a large clump of hair in her hands. She slept as I ate breakfast and got ready for school on my own, and walked to the bus by myself starting in the 1st grade. Many times, she would forget to pick me up from sports, and I often felt abandon. I can recall having to set off the car alarm a few times for being left in a hot car for too long. I remember a few ‘panic’ attacks I experienced at a young age where I was short of breathing.

I witnessed yelling and hatred between my parents daily. Talking negatively about the other spouse to me behind their back was an often occurrence. I also emotionally abused my mother and often made her cry. There was no love in that home and my feelings never mattered. When I was bullied at school for years, they did nothing. They were too self-interested and are to this day. I hated my family. A narcissistic father whom would show his love with a handshake and preferred to be away from his family. A mentally ill mother who was constantly depressed. The rare intimacy they expressed between one another always felt strange and forced.

With my child, it felt that I was left no choice but to accommodate my parents’ wishes to be involved as grand-parents in my precious grandchild's life. Did I have deep rooted worries for my child based on my own experience? Did I feel I had no control over an abuser? Because they are wealthy, did I feel that I had to maintain a relationship just for unknown future financial support?


The pain I developed was my body begging for a defense mechanism. To repress all I had gone through. It was going to give me a crutch. Something that I could obsess over. To blame. To take up all of my subconscious so I wouldn’t have to obsess about anything else. 19 months later it succeeded. It’s all I think about and I live in fear of doing anything to harm my back. My last MRI was structurally sound, with mild degeneration. The annular tear that I thought was the cause of my problem, had almost disappeared. An extremely common prognosis. PRP injection, Physical therapy, Acupuncture, Massage, Steroid injections, nothing worked (over the course of a couple years). 3 surgeons wouldn’t operate on me at all. I could not accept it. I settled with a popular youtuber to perform a procedure anyways (laser endoscopic discectomy). Thank god at least it was minimally invasive b/c the symptoms moved from my L4-L5 to my peraformis/glutes/and low/mid-back. Throughout my life, I've noticed that I've had a variety of ongoing pain at different points. Cankor sores, groin pain, shoulder pain, tension headache, insomnia, ibs.

Since my surgery 13 months ago, I have managed to go to the gym 160+ times, do yoga, some sports, play w/ my child. I have no muscle weakness. I can run miles with no acute pain. Otherwise, I have pain that sits in my lowerback for days/weeks at a time. Targeted (no shooting down legs). Will come and go. Some movements with my spine can bring it out. With deep meditation I can lower the volume. I have anxiety/ocd. When I obsess over the pain (what dr. sarno described as from when one wakes up till they go to bed), it can be debilitating because the volume is turned up.

I wanted to share my journey. If it sounds like TMS to you. At times on managing this as an anxiety sufferer. If there is a program you would recommend. Thanks,

Literature : I've read
Healing Back Pain - Dr. Sarno
Unlearn your Pain - Dr. Howard Schubiner
The Great Pain Deception - Steven Ray Ozanich
Pain Free You - Youtube videos when I am in a lengthy flare up

It sometimes feels like I have learned too many tools (overwhelmed)

 

I think many people feel overloaded. When they are the type of person who must overthink everything.
It really is simple once you grasp the concept of finding a tool to deal with the psychological and emotional.
Finding a tool that assists you to regulate your nervous system.
Retraining the brain re: sensations and reactions (often same tool as nervous system and psychological).
Observe thought patterns and personality traits so you can also retrain your mindset (old posts on this forum are called “thinking clean” - a helpful search.

broken down into 3-4 steps and actions it seems so much simpler doesn’t it!

Welcome!
One of the most valuable things I learned is to be curious about the process vs. pressuring yourself to be perfect about the process. Have fun with it, be vulnerable with it, be creative and don’t be afraid of trial and error.

What are your favorite “tools”?