My kryptonite

So one of the big issues im having is that i cant seem to mentally get rid of the link between sound and symptoms. I need to one day be stable enough to just go to uni and not freak out when theres a loud sound and the task just feels insurmountable

You know, with long covid or ibs, youre either very tired or in very much pain, but when you dont have either youre good to go. You arent just gonna be made to run a marathon out of tbe blue. I know this is looking for excuses but it just feels impossible. I need to be able to sit in class and idk fire alarm or whatever and i need to be able to just not freak out at sounds like that. I cant seem to get rid of the connection between sound and symptom.

Another problem – and this is prolly better suited for therapy but alas– I'm also insanely sexually frustrated/unsatisfied. I dont know if its this primal urge or the fact that i feel that its unfair that other people are having fun. I'm also a christian so these are unclean and sinful thought but God they are there. When i hear of my friends and just generally people my age i get soooo frustrated. Its not even something I would do or actually find fulfilling. But yeah man i want to feel love too for heavens sake. I'll never be 19 again and be at my parents and lying in bed with a girl i probably shouldnt be with. I've said this before but i said 'missing out' and i really dont feel like im missing out on anything but pleasure. I mean id love to play some football with the lads but i have another 40 years for that and i also have already done that for 20 years before.

Maybe this is gonna be so cringe to read like 'god look at that incel' 'blabla' but i loathe these people. I'm intensely envious. Man im frustrated and yes this goes with ups and downs and im volatile but raaah.


This is probably just another form of tms: being envious of a life you wouldnt have anyway. I just feel like the clocks ticking and I'm gonna push in a way thats gonna make things worse. I'm sick of this. The answer is probably to just let these thoughts be and go do something else. Ok but not before i bother you with my problems. I know theres nothing wrong with my ears and still I cant fathom ever doing anything i like again. This is all just all tms.

Bear in mind that if i was still doing 'great' (as in not actually great but before id have contracted another form of tms) i would be an insufferable christian who was just pretending to be morally superior when the actual reason for his lack of commitment is a deep deep insecurity

Also as a last frustrated ocd thought, imagine I have these exams and am really worried and stressed and i gotta keep going to uni how the fuck am i gonna make sure that i dont get sound sensitive again? That is assuming that I'll ever be so great as to be able to start a bachelor.

Thanks for your concern


Someone speak the eternal truth to me svp

 

And how much of this is just fundamentally due to having too much time to do shit? If i was just doing things i wouldnt have so much time for worrying. Its a big issue that i fill my 'rest' hours with so much worry crap that i dont ever get to rest at all

 

Maybe I'm just not built to withstand lifes stresses

 

Mani the way you talk about your hyperacusis comes across like you doubt the TMS diagnosis. The whole premise of believing it’s TMS is that it isn’t permanent, that there is nothing structurally wrong causing your issues. What are thoughts of you thinking this is forever conveying to your brain?

Mani, since you’re brave enough to put these thoughts out there, and I’ve read several of your posts, and my heart breaks for you. in the nicest way possible your thought patterns, your pressures on yourself, the way you are living and treating yourself are utterly dysfunctional. Brother you are 19 predicting some utterly horrific future based on your current reality. You are putting unreal pressure on yourself to achieve some weird status surrounding a job, you’re a literal kid, I understand the world tells us we need to be successful and a good job. It’s a bunch of fucking bullshit. Sex will not satisfy you. A good job will not satisfy you. Having kids and carrying on the bloodline is not going to put your soul at ease. Your mind is just grasping these goals because at your core you are dissatisfied.

Mani I’ve run from myself, moved to new cities, imploded jobs, relationships, friendships, chased sex, chased a physical appearance, chased skill in sports, skill in my career, chased volunteering and trying to be a good person and help the world. This shit will never ever ever in a million fucking years ever satisfy or complete you if who you are at your core is dysfunctional. You will chase the next thing the next goal for eternity.

you need to learn to chill and find joy and happiness in the present moment. I cannot stress Buddhism enough for this, or honestly any form of spirituality. Belief in something bigger than yourself, belief that there’s more to life than endless horrors. Belief that there’s more to reality than just some shitty physical existence filled with shitty symptoms. I’ve taken a break from this forum and focused more on spirituality, and meditation and actually address the hole in my soul and I’ve had more progress in a month than I’ve had in a year chasing some emotional boogeyman or ever elusive trauma.

you need to actually start believing you deserve a life of peace and health and happiness because you do, not just believing your life has to be an endless series of chasing vague goals that society tells us we should chase.

and careful what you wish for regarding other symptoms, your brain can very easily up the ante and add more to the pile. Everyone in this space is in their own hell and thinks they trade theirs for another’s in an instant. That’s victimhood and self pity, and a total lack of self compassion. Self compassion is actively believing you’ll get through this, not wishing for someone else’s symptoms.

 

Oh yeah, I'm very dysfunctional. Thanks for your kind words. I'm chasing a relief thatll never materialize. You know, I've been trying to do this TMS thing for over a year but its nights like this where i wonder whether i actually did something to improve all of this.

I dont know man, youve no idea how hard i try to be better. I wonder if the answer is just: mate youre not ready. Symptoms gotta be there for a reason

 

that’s the thing mani. The thing that I think gets lost in this space a bit. This isn’t about trying hard. This isn’t about brute forcing your way to recovery. It’s about honesty and reflection. It’s about self compassion. How you are actually treating yourself. I’d stake my life that the issue with you isn’t sound. It’s not some emotional problem stemming from childhood, not some trauma. Your issue is how you treat and talk to yourself in the present moment, the amount of pressure you’re putting on yourself to achieve some future that I doubt your core being actually wants. You are the lion your brain and nervous system are in an absolute panic from. Yeah symptoms are there to get you to change course, it’s the last tool the brain has left to say I don’t fucking trust you or feel safe around you. ‘Awesome I’ll keep you petrified of sound, that way I don’t need to handle your constant berating’. And it works because no shit, these symptoms utterly suck and can be soul draining. I get it Mani, more times than I care to admit I’d stare at the closet where I keep my gun and smile at the thought of blowing my brains out. I’m done with that and I’m done treating myself like shit, because I FUCKING deserve better. And you do too. You need to start believing it and actual start living, thinking and acting in a way that aligns with that undeniable fact

 

I'm actually very much aware of this straight fact and I feel like a total fool but i cant help it. You said it, I'm dysfunctional. I embody tms personality like no other. I can say with my mouth: "I'll get through this and I'll do better", but I know when the night falls I turn into the same helpless child ive always been

 

To just state once more how I work:

Even coming here like I'm coming for help and J want to improve but I cant help but hate myself. Like damn your own thoughts are killing you? Everyone is trying to help but I think everyones thinking this guy will never get it.

The positive here is that there is still a ton of tms work to be done.

Its just that when i improve the tiniest bit I cant help but upping the pressure. I start planning for what ill do when i reach this or that milestone. I get mad because other people are living the life i think i want to live.

And I know nothing but brute forcing. What just happened was I got slightly better, I felt good. I started stressing 'oh wow im doing better here i come!' I remind myself i need to not be afraid of sound and i start brute forcing it again. It hasnt worked ever and it wont now. I sit next to the dishwasher room hating myself.

I actually think I'm a good guy but I havent had the illusion that I'm functional in a long time. Legit whilst typing this: it helps me relieve myself of these thoughts but i cant help but feel sorry for you. Here you are taking time out of your day to try to help an idiot. An idiot who says hes doing the work but is doing nothing to prove it.

Maybe you read this message and think: 'yeah no wonder this guys got symptoms.' Deep down i know youre right. I would run from myself too

 

And weirdly i find peace in accepting defeat... Its why I have symptoms, same mechanism.

Like 1-2 days ago I told myself: 'Mani we'll just take it day by day, no big pressure.'

I dont think I succeeded..

 

Going to be totally straight with you Mani. The way you choose to see yourself, the thoughts you choose to engage with the self doubt, the self pity, for the most part are conscious decisions and learned behaviors. Now they aren’t your fault as I hope you’re aware, I’m sure there is some stuff in your childhood that led you here. But you have way more agency than you realize. Not going to go into the whole victimhood speech, I’m sure you’ve heard it. Mani people spend their literal entire lives unable and unwilling to change so they repeat the same mistakes, have the same thoughts, the same issues over and over and over. Your situation is not going to change passively, you’re utterly stuck in a loop, at least that’s the perspective I get from following your posts on and off. I’ve been there. You need to decide when it’s time to get off the loop. I unfortunately do not think you’ve hit rock bottom, because the self pity still probably scratches that itch for you.

I actually do you think you’ll get it. Everyone’s recovery is different. I think everyone has to hit a rock bottom. For many I imagine that bottom comes well after becoming TMS aware, when you accept and realize what you’re doing just isn’t working. It also takes time. I’ve literally been dysfunction since my first memories of thinking my parents abandoned me when they went shopping or that they died in a car crash (tf I was like 4), I started with stomach aches in grade school. I’m in my 30s now. So almost 30 years of an out of wack nervous system. Is it reasonable that I should put pressure on my self and expect my shit to go away in a month or a few months or even a year. Timelines and pressure are the killer here. You need discipline to recognize when you are doing stuff that is actively sabotaging you.

 

I really appreciate you and my obsessive thought have already calmed. Your comments really helped. I wish i was able to self soothe a little better

I just wanted to say that i was frequently sent home with severe stomach cramps too. Its still one of the worst pains i remember having. I felt so helpless — it felt like itd never end. Tomorrow I'd like to hear more about your story. How are you doing right now?

 

Preach! This is fantastic. I am completely the same in that I started to realise that it was never enough and I'll always want the next thing.

Michael Singer (who references buddhism constantly) and his book "The Untethered Soul" really changed my trajectory, and now I understand what true satisfaction is. Not everyone is ready to hear this, but this is probably the best post I've seen on this forum when it comes to genuine wellbeing. Thanks for putting it out there

 

I agree with @Adam Coloretti (coach) - terrific postings, @Rabscuttle! And yep, that certainly was the case for me (and I know for many others)... My 'rock bottom' was when I'd been bedridden for many months... with my turning point towards recovery starting when I asked my husband to bring me a tray of carrots for me to peel and chop for our dinner from my 'sick' bed. I had reached a point where I was very very angry with my situation and I peeled those damn carrots through copious amounts of tears. A determination came over me -- if all I could do 'to get on with normal life' (as Dr Sarno advised to do) was to peel and chop carrots, I was going to damn well do it!

 

Maybe these thoughts i have ARE my tms. You know we usually talk about a flare as in pain, but maybe a little bit of panic is just par for the course for me. Putting pressure is all ive ever known, itd be foolish to expect of myself that id just stop ever thinking negative thoughts. I dealt with it fine. I wrote about it, felt the stress and went to bed. Next morning we were a-ok.

It make sense as tms. I have a certain bandwidth and my symptoms take up so much, and suddenly when my symptoms go down i still have all this leftover energy. In the future I hope I'll be able to make something useful out of it.

Does this make any sense as TMS, or is it just harmful thought patterns that i should actively seek to interrupt? I think tms wise (and claire weeks obv) i should just acknowledge the panic and accept that I'm scared and that thoughts wont kill me.

I usually remind myself "oops negative thoughts, no can do!"

In the end theory is just that, were all individuals with different needs. I need to learn to accept myself.

 

@Mani

When we get caught in overthinking, it’s often because the body is holding more energy than the mind can settle on its own. That energy needs somewhere to go. When it’s trapped, the mind picks it up and runs in circles — analyzing, planning, replaying the same patterns. It’s a bit like a bored dog that hasn’t been walked: without an outlet, that energy starts chewing up the furniture instead.

Movement changes that. Even the smallest actions — stretching, walking on the spot, tidying up, or doing simple chores (e.g. my carrot peeling and chopping). Doing helps. Getting on with ordinary life as best one can, in humble, steady ways, turns that inward energy outward again. Through movement, the body restores flow and reminds the mind it’s part of something grounded, capable, and alive.

We don’t need ideal conditions or perfect clarity to begin — only a willingness to move, however gently, and invite the body back into the conversation. Within whatever limits exist right now (e.g. I was bedridden) there’s always a way to let that energy move through rather than build up.

When we start moving — even through the simple rhythm of everyday life — things begin to improve... soften, open, and make sense again (or indeed make sense when perhaps they never did before). One small action at a time, the body shows us the way forward.

 

As @BloodMoon points out, the thoughts are not the TMS. It's the physical sensations that are associated with the thoughts (including emotions) including the energy that are the TMS. At first in TMS work we sort of sort through the thought and emotion connection to find out where these things come from as an effort to realize we are not to blame, that these things don't define us, and that they are not "wrong" or "bad", and are not something that are so unsafe we can't feel them and experience them without them being a trigger for our symptoms... which sounds like a lot, but as Bloodmoon also points out, dealing with them is actually very simple. Move, let the thoughts come without jumping on the story train which creates judgement, blame etc (as we try to push the unwanted thoughts away).
Lots of the things you have discussed in the last few days are very much "coming of age" reckonings... worry what your life might be like it it's not the exact one you pictured, finding out what your values are and realizing that the values you think you should have are those that have been dictated by other humans (eg. your worries about your sex life/intimacy and religion - Christianity as a religion is not of God, it's of men. Faith is of God. It's a great time to begin digging into this topic which you will find is mostly delved into by certain historians (this is very much what I studied in Uni as a history major). A TMS expert who comes from a Christian theology background once said that our views of God are often shaped by our views of Father - our own father or our view of the "perfect" father - and part of growing in faith is to let those things go. Just opening up yourself to God without whatever "thing" (eg. religious texts deemed as the "only" ones to read including eg. a modern Bible ) we've been taught must be adhered to can help us on our personal spiritual path. I think this can be hard for some TMS folks who really like the black and white, rigid thinking, and "rules" to feel safe. Opening yourself up to curiosity, the "what if's (which is what you've mentioned scare you), and the maybe's is a huge step in TMS healing. You won't be perfect at it, you don't need to be. Just opening up is helpful. The movement and minutia of daily life that Bloodmoon suggests can help us re-focus on getting out of our head and be a cue help us focus on what we are working on eg. instead of sitting in your head and dwelling on the anxiety and fear, get up and do something physical (get yourself a drink of water, do 10 wall push ups, take out the trash, make your bed etc) and use that task to refocus your mind to "oh, yeah! Keep an open mind!!" and see where that takes you.
This is one of the focuses of Helmet, who has a TMS channel. He does a "walk and talk" with himself daily - and/or "visualizations" the walk is obviously to get the body moving (do this movement as you prefer, you don't need to go out now to take a walk and do this, perhaps you can simply walk circles in your room) and "visualize" which is letting your mind run free but open the gates to the "what if's" so that when you encounter the unpredictable, you still feel a sense of safety within yourself to navigate whatever scenario comes up. It is a fun way to get out of the sneaky victim mode and develop a sense of security.

 

If ocd is tms then why cant thought be tms. Its just a way for your brain to distract you. Doesnt sound far fetched to me at all.

I'm not sure about this, I dont know if anyone has already got the full tms picture. Some people are definitely more knowledgeable than others. I dont think I'm particularly knowledgeable so im cautious with starting arguments but i really wanted to stress this.

God, we dont know who the lad is. I think if i had to guess, id say there is a creator. I find the case for the bible as the Word of God lacking honestly. Just the birth of Christ has contradictions between the gospels. I understand the arguments for why man would tell it a certain way, but its the word of god. God doesnt contradict Himself. I really want there to be a god, I consider myself a christian, but I'm struggling with it. I was raised agnostic. I'm not gonna get into theology but I'd hope there is more than this....

 

I think the big problem once again is self worth. I obviously have a libido as a young man but celibacy is not the problem right now, i got way bigger fish to fry. The problem is that others ARE having fun. Ive spoken of getting the scraps but ultimately its about my worth as a human being. I think theres a lot of growth to be had there. A lot of my issues do tie back to self worth problems.

I have always been so pragmatic and analytical that I dont really know other peripherals. Its just always been the pursuit of absolute truth. Ever since i got this ive been trying to expand my view, trying to figure out emotions.

I wanted to start rsnting again but im noticing this feeding into the anxious self. I'll just keep writing as ill never be satisfied. The only answer is to come to terms with it. Tons of what-ifs that do me no good.

 

"Its just always been the pursuit of absolute truth... The only answer is to come to terms with it."

Yep, it's not just self worth, but the perfectionism in attaining the perfect self. Which is of course an existential concept. Coming to terms with the fact there is no perfect truth, there is never only one way and only way and that you won't be satisfied (in other words, at peace) by trying to constantly attain is another wonderful step in recognizing who you really are and, and what your true worth is.

Coming to terms with the fact that @Mani is just fine and acceptable, just as he is, right now in this moment is a wonderful way to find "safety" or peace within yourself.

 

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, you’re right — and troublesome thoughts are a distraction.

• In Sarno’s TMS, you just spot the distraction as your mind dodging tough/'dangerous' emotions, and you focus on allowing and feeling those emotions instead.

• Approaches like Mickel Therapy flip it: the symptoms signal an ignored emotion, so you acknowledge there’s an unexpressed emotion and then act on it in a small, practical way to calm your system.

• PRT sees the symptoms as a brain false alarm driven by fear — you reassure yourself things are safe (e.g. “this isn’t dangerous”), and over time the threat response fades.

All roads/models lead to emotions.

I get why one might frame troublesome thoughts as “a distraction” — it seems to simplify things. It turns looping worries into something one can try to shrug off or reframe, like changing a radio station, without having to feel the messy emotions underneath. That sidesteps the vulnerability of facing real feelings (like the rage, grief, or fear Sarno, Mickel, and PRT point to), and it fits with a lot of quick-fix advice out there — lower effort, and it can feel more empowering. But even if thoughts are distractions, these models (Sarno, Mickel, and PRT) would proffer they’re still our brain’s way of protecting us from, or alerting us to, something deeper that needs attention. At the end of the day, these models are here for us to take or leave.