Day 10 My progress so far

I started to play the piano again. I have some pain, sometimes in the neck and sometimes in the back. This is strange and strenght my support of the TMS. Why the pain should change location if it has a physical cause??? I repeat this to myself: it makes NO SENSE AT ALL!

I am using the educational program in a more or less free way. I think I have made a lot of progress. I understood that I learnt, in the past, that having strong emotion is something stupid. It's really strange, but I have noticed that everytime I feel a deep emotion there is a part of myself that tell me "this is not a real emotion, you just PRETEND to have an emotion". This immediately *stops* the emotion. I think I learnt this terrible way of thinking in the past.
I know that I have some self-esteem issue. I am afraid that most of my personality traits could be not-mine. This is why I usually have this thoughts about *pretending and stuff like that. No wonder that this voices affect also the emotional side.

But I know that I CAN have real emotion. I have to work to have them, because I have to actively suppress the thoughts.
For example I realize that when the pain began at the piano it was a really stressful period: my grandparents both died, my brother was having really bad problem (with back pain, as well!) and I was really stressed for my diploma in piano.
When my grandparents died I suppressed almost completely all the emotion. I think this is the most important thing that I have to deal with.
Then I have to work with the issue with my brother. Our relationship has never been really easy. Maybe one day I'll explain that. I think that my pain may be due a great amount to my issue with my brother.

Anyway, as I said I still have some problem in the back and in the neck. Still, it IS improving. In the past, I couldn't have played more than 10 minutes. Today I play all the time I want, and the pain is incredibly *UNDER CONTROL*. Most of the time I fell like I don't even care about the pain. That fantastic. I really hope this situation will continue or even improve! I have still some fear that my progress could stop or get worse. I have to beat this fear, anyway!

That's all. I think it would be good to share some of these thoughts with you.
As always, sorry for my english. I hope I am more or less clear...

 

You are making great progress and it will continue. Keep up the good work. You can do it. Look at all the new insight you have about yourself. Yes , the pain moving around confirms to you it is TMS.

 

Valerio, I went through the last 5 years of my life on a search to discovered who I really am. I had to tear apart everything I was ever told by anyone and ask myself, ''Do I believe 'this or that' to be true for me?" I am a deep thinker and I gave myself a lot of questions to ask me!! It took a lot of stress and investigation to re-evaluate all that I had been taught. It contributed (I think now) to my new 'flare up'. I do feel much more comfortable doing all that 'inventory' search on myself. I feel comfortable with me now, although the whole process was very stressful.

Good luck on your journey!! Hug!