Day 4 My qualms with allopathy - letting my thoughts run free

Man.

I still remember the day a physiotherapist told me I probably have a L5-S1 slipdisc.
As I write out the words 'L5-S1' and 'slipdisc' I can actually feel my anxiety spiking and my brain going ok so what if you actually hurt yourself and this slipdisc is painful? how did the slipdisc happen?

Crazy how just writing it is setting off this chain of thought. And here I was thinking I was over the whole disc herniation causing pain rubbish theory. (oof my brain's gone to self criticism here hasn't it, brilliant)

Funny because it's taking a different approach this time. Rather than being worried about the pain of the disc, it's trying to make me overthink about how it even happened, do repressed emotions fight so hard to not get out that the body chooses to push a disc out to make a distraction. ok im tired. stopping. i kind of hate this feeling right now. im spitballing here.

^pretty accurate representation of my brain on overdrive.

ok back to the story.

man this guy tells me i probably cant ever play sports again and then brings up this disc business. I'm shitting myself at this point because i dont understand what discs even are. I get muscles, ligaments, tendons but what in the world is this. I dont know it and hence it's scaring the shit outta me. Also the information i've heard about slipdiscs up unto this point is probably all horrible stuff.
anyways, he was a pretty good convincer too and he sold me on his whole theory. I think that was the real issue, i bought into his theory because he layed it out for me quite convincingly.
Gave me the regular - dont bend, dont pick up things, sit with a pillow, take standing breaks, hang from a bar.

I followed his stuff for a bit and then said to hell with it and tried playing badminton.
Pain flared up like crazy so obviously now I believe the guy, he must be right.

I gave up everything and stuck to only swimming since he said that was safe to do.

Wow.
I didn't realise the amount of anger I had held in against docs I've seen before the TMS diagnosis. Pretty significant. It's more sadness also I think. All this pain and suffering for what? All these restrictions and changes you make to your life for what?
The worst part is hearing people I know now talking about pains or stomach issues or headaches and migraines and seeing the TMS in all of it. It makes me sad. It makes me feel helpless. The perils of unsolicited advice are great. I still try to share some resources though, without much pressure or convincing, I guess everyone has their own journey.

That got a bit off topic.

Anyways to summarise. I saw a spine doc after and did an MRI. Turns out I did have a disc bulge.
More pain, more despair, more hopelessness. I did have some moments of hope where I was like ok I go this imma strengthen my back and core and I can do this, but those were pretty short lived.
Thus, in the next couple of months began my descent into debilitating pain, not being able to exist on a day to day basis, cold, hard rock bottom.

Overall.
The sadness I think is the worst. Knowing what I know now and believing what I now believe through the TMS diagnosis. Seeing it live in action in my friends and family around me. It's so clear.
How do you guys cope with this?
Knowing that it's highly probable that someone you know is struggling with something that's clearly a manifestation of TMS, what do you do?

I don't know if this shift in topic to TMS in other people is just another way for my brain to distract me, I'm not too sure. It feels like some kind of trick is being played right now, something feels off.

Thoughts and advice are always appreciated.
Thank you for getting on this flowy brain ride with me.
I love this forum and I love you guys and if you're struggling bloody hang in there and don't give up. Life is great and there's so much fun shit to do.
Cheers

PS. Is it possible for a regular dude (no medical background) like me to become a TMS coach? How does one get licensed to make TMS diagnoses? Is this possible? Or do you need to go thru med school?

 

My pain has spiked pretty much immediately after writing this.
Must be doing something right haha.
GOT YOU TMS YOU ****

 

ok i think i've figured out what my people pleasing brain was trying to do.
anything to distract me from my own struggles and emotions.
Easier to be the kind benevolent person who focuses on the difficulties others have to go through.
Easier to write about the sadness that other people have to endure. Anything to distract myself from my own pain and sadness. Anything to undermine my own emotions, pain and struggle.
I think everything i wrote about the struggles and sadness of other people was just my own struggle and sadness, but projected onto others so that my brain doesn't have to actually accept and be vulnerable about all of it being my own feelings and struggle.

Someone correct me if i'm wrong here, but this feels accurate. I knew something felt off.
I think i'm going to continue writing in this fashion, where I just let my thoughts sort of run off on their own, seems to work well.
Also I do feel maybe this raw form gives people reading it more of an insight into how my brain is wired? And how i think? Maybe makes it more relatable.

Anyways. This was fun.

 

Sarno's theory of TMS is that it is a defense mechanism. It's purpose is to distract us from the truth about ourselves that feels intolerable or threatening. It takes courage to open ourselves up to what is really going on in our psyche, but that is the key to recovery. You're on the right track. Keep going.

 

@invincible
Have you read Healing Bsck Pain, by John Sarno, MD? He talks all about the whole disc thing. The book is also on audio. It will give you a lot of hope. And calm your fears. Then, all you’ll have left to do is more emotional work! You got this! Keep forging ahead!