Day 1 My Story

Hi everyone.

I'm writing this as part of the structured educational program. It said to start writing your own story with TMS, so that is what I plan to do here. Much of it might go off topic or be stream-of-consciousness, but I'm not writing this as a good draft. Once I reach success, I'll modify my story so that it is easier to read. For now, I just want to get all my thoughts out on my body and TMS as a starting point.

From what I remember, it all started with my first job when I was 15. It was at a toy store during Christmas, and they hired about 30 new people since they needed so much extra labour during the holiday season. I was excited not only to work for the first time, but also to get money. It's funny - I can't remember a single thing that I spent any of that money on. Must have been food... Anyway. This is 6-7 years ago, so it is hard for me to remember precisely when the pain first appeared, but I'm guessing it was my first full shift. The memories I have of that time were of just excruciating pain for as long as my shift lasted. I would constantly do things like go to the bathroom or spend a few minutes in the break room just to sit down, because I didn't feel as much pain when I sat down. It was always from standing up and doing things. I rationalized in my head that I had some sort of incorrect posture or something, and that's where the pain was stemming from. I would walk home in unbearable pain and drop onto the couch, lying down until the pain subsided enough for me to shower. This was so strange, because I was always a pretty active guy. I played hockey my entire life, soccer and baseball in the summers, and most of my time was spent skateboarding with my friends... STANDING UP! I never had a problem standing or walking for long periods of time. I had never felt this pain before. So why was it appearing now? I never thought of this at the time, though. It seemed rational that my posture was bad, and that was leading to the pain. I would try to do things like stand up straighter, and I even made sure to sit down for longer periods of time on the days that I worked, knowing that I was in for a world of pain later that day due to standing so I better spend as much time as possible sitting. I finished the job in January, and never found any sort of cure for what i was feeling. Oh, I forgot to mention: the pain was persistent in my upper back and shoulder blade area, and sometimes my neck as well.

The next point in time in which I remember feeling this chronic pain was my next job, at a grocery store. I worked in the meat department, and this too involved a lot of standing up as well as doing things like the dishes or wrapping meat packages - things involving me looking down and using my hands. This proved to be the worst cause of my pain. Since my theory was that the pain was due to my posture, I think it makes sense that it peaked when I looked down and did the dishes since that objectively worsens your back posture. Although it does NOT mean there should be pain. Of course, I never thought of this, I was just miserable. It's funny though, because I never made the connection that the pain only occurred at work. It just seemed reasonable that the longer I stood, the more painful my back was. My parents always complained of back pain, and I knew that back pain was just a normal part of being human. I hardly even questioned it, but I did have some resentments towards my pain given that I was so young. Over the years, I worked more jobs and just dealt with the pain, seeing it as a normal part of my life. I sought physiotherapy a few times, and they never were able to see any sort of structural imbalance or something wrong in my back. They would prescribe me exercises that I would do for a few weeks. Sometimes I would get a mild placebo that might last for the first half of my shift, but the pain would always come back. Some of them even put tape on my back to hold my muscles back. This did nothing for my back pain. It was unrelenting.

Last summer, I decided that I finally need to stand up (no pun intended) and do something about this chronic pain that was debilitating my life. I hated going to work, not because of the job itself, but because of the pain. I could never exercise after work, and I was unable to do many things that I wanted to because of my pain. I felt hopeless. Once again I consulted doctors and stretched religiously, doing every single posture tip I could find from youtube videos. I self-diagnosed myself with a plethora of conditions that I attributed the pain to, like scapular winging etc. This still didn't help. Then one day I was listening to a podcast called This Past Weekend with Theo Von. The guest he had on, Nikki Glasier, was talking about the back pain she had and how she had read Dr. Sarno's book about back pain, and how it had helped thousands of people just by reading it. They were talking about how the pain was largely psychosomatic, so I assumed that it wouldn't help me, but I was still intrigued. I looked into TMS and Dr. Sarno, and while I was interested I just assumed it wasn't for me. I put it into the back pocket of my brain until a few months later when I was once again helpless to the pain. I decided to get the e-book and skim it, knowing that many people become free of pain just by learning about the condition. I read through the book in a day and gave myself daily reminders about the pain. After a few days of doing this, I began getting less upper back pain and more lower back pain. Dr. Sarno said this might happen, and I became excited. Unfortunately, I got overloaded with school work and I just kind of forgot about TMS. I was unable to stick to a plan. Now, in December, I'm deciding to fully commit myself to overcoming my chronic back pain and TMS. I am confident that TMS is my diagnosis, since no doctors have found anything wrong with my body. I am reading through the book right now, and I plan to stick to the structured education program extremely well. It is time for me to get over my back pain for good, and not to live a life laying down. I mean, just now I tried to play piano and only lasted 10 minutes. That's unheard of for a 21-year-old! It's time I take back the control over my subconscious.

Thank you for reading through my story. I plan to update it again on day 45 to look back on my recovery from TMS. Here we go!