Day 1 My Story

Today is my Day 1 of the SEP, although I'm not new to TMS. I discovered John Sarno and Nicole Sach's books a year or two ago after the beginning of an IBS flare (after being symptom-free for 15 years). I don't really have a typical pain story, but after delving into TMS, I realized that I've been dealing with so, so many TMS symptoms/conditions for most of my life.

I was raised in a somewhat chaotic household. My mother is a textbook narcissist and an alcoholic, and looking back I spent my childhood as a neurotic perfectionist who was always trying to keep her happy, be the good child who got perfect grades, never got in trouble, etc. I had a lot of stomach problems as a child, a brush with anorexia in 4th grade, and terrible anxiety that I essentially pushed down because I wasn't really allowed to have feelings in my house. My mom has no patience for my sensitive nature.

After going to college and escaping that hell, I married young (to a man who has both narcissistic and autistic tendencies) and had 2 kids. In a short period of time, I also had a traumatic miscarriage, my oldest was diagnosed with autism, and my youngest also has health challenges. So, here I am, truly a mess today at 45. My oldest son is 20, has severe nonverbal autism and epilepsy, and my youngest just went off to college this month. My husband and I are still married out of financial necessity, but it isn't a happy marriage. I'm a full-time caregiver to my son, and my life/world is very small. After my miscarriage years ago, I developed very severe hypochondria that has only gotten worse since. So, my biggest hope with TMS is to alleviate the hypochondria. I can deal with the IBS and the other traveling pains I get frequently, but the health anxiety honestly has taken over my entire life. It's no mystery why I am where I am today given the various traumas,.my childhood, and my general unhappiness with life.

This is the first step, though! I am entirely convinced of TMS in my life, but I'm also convinced that knowledge therapy isn't enough for me, so I'm hoping the SEO can help. If you've gotten to the end of my story, thank you so much for reading ❤️. It's a lot, and I feel like such a mess at the moment, but I am here!

Love to all of you --

 

@bgottdenker

Welcome! I understand your story because I came from an alcoholic home and developed TMS as a child. I have had symptoms all my life, and now, at age 65, I have my worst flare up ever.

The very difficult challenges you face with your son and marriage, combined with your past, makes total sense why you have your symptoms. But the good news is. You are in the best place possible to be able to learn what you need to heal. You are already on your way by starting the SEP! Take heart and be brave. You can get better. It will take some time.

Have you heard Rita’s story? (@miffybunny) She has an autistic son also and a very dramatic healing story. She might be an inspiration to you. She recently was interviewed on YouTube.

I wish you the very best on your journey!

 

Diana - thank you so much for taking the time to reply ❤️. So appreciate your words! I'm scared and lost right now, but I have to believe that things will start to change if I just start. The hardest part, right? Thanks again!

 

Hi @bgottdenker ,

I can relate to so much of your post and thank you @Diana-M for referencing my story! My son is 18, non verbal, with epilepsy and a whole host of other issues which made me feel incredibly trapped for years. I hope my story is helpful to you! I also did a couple of other interviews where I go more into the autism. There's one called "Mindbody interview: curing complex regional pain syndrome crps w/ Tamara Gurin and Rita (in the second half I go into a lot of autism stuff)...it's on the "youngmoneytalk" channel. If you google my name there's a more recent one as well where I touch on autism a couple of times. You're not alone!!

 

Absolutely! Just start. One thing I always say to myself is: what other choice do you have? As you work on all this, you’ll believe more and more.

I came to the wiki 5 months ago scared and lost like you. I’m not cured yet but I’m not scared and lost anymore. You’ll love this wiki!

 

Thanks so much, Rita! I just watched your interview with Dan (I recently joined his coaching group ) and will definitely look up the others. I don't often connect with others whom have such a similar situation re: autism, so that makes me feel less alone. It is a challenging journey, for sure, and I know the caregiving role lends itself to lots and lots of TMS. Thanks so much for reaching out!

 

My pleasure and yes you're not alone on both counts...the sense of isolation that autism creates, and the ensuing inner conflict of being put in a caretaker role you never signed up for which leads to the defense of tms, which is also isolating and lonely. A double whammy. It also doesn't help that society and the media bandy about the label of autism, as if it's a cute quirk so people can feel "special", when it's a catastrophic disability that often comes with devastating medical issues. When people tout themselves as "autistic" while they can read, speak, write, hold jobs, raise families and live totally normal lives, it does such a disservice to the reality of this very real disability and only adds to the reservoir of resentment and rage. It's nearly impossible to take my son in public anywhere because he doesn't tolerate lines, or crowds, he self injures, and he tries to run away. People are often quite nasty and intolerant as well. We have padlocks on all the doors because he has "eloped" several times, including ripping off his diaper in the winter at night in my neighbors yard, and another time going in their car, jumping out the bathroom window to go in the pool at 4 am, are just a few examples. He has almost nearly died on several occasions (last month he almost drowned while having a seizure and I was alone with him) so I live with what they call "CTSD"..chronic traumatic stress disorder ...living in constant hyper vigilance that he hasn't escaped or had a seizure or asthma attack. Only parents who live, sleep, and breathe this reality can truly comprehend what it's like . Not even my close friends and family members can totally grasp it. All that to say, I get it and there is hope!! You can be free of chronic symptoms and find ways of making life a bit more manageable.

 

Oh Rita, I understand every single word you are saying. I get it and am living the same life. On the one hand, the hyper vigilance feels like my worse enemy when it comes to TMS and especially hypochondria because I don't miss a thing when it comes to my body - on the other hand, my role as the sole caretaker of my son requires me to be more than vigilant at all times. All day long, and even more so middle of the night because of my son's erratic sleeping habits and the seizures. Gah, it's so hard! It is such a an incomprehensible level of responsibility that relaxing or letting my guard down just isn't an option. It seems like TMS almost HAS to be here, if that makes sense. But, I will continue to believe that there is a way out - or at least a way to live with a little less pain.

Can I ask, did you do a lot of journaling to deal with all of these feelings? Dan Buglio isn't a fan of the journaling and work to get at the past feelings, etc., but I'm having a hard time believing I can make progress without those steps. I can't fake safety.

Thank you so very much! Sending lots of hugs your way .

 

Yes, you make sense and your symptoms make sense! What I can tell you is that even though my day to day is quite unpredictable and often challenging, my internal response to these stressors has changed. I'm no longer internally distressed the way I once was, and I am out of chronic pain. What had once seemed impossible, is now doable. I personally didn't journal, except for a long "F You" letter to my ex, but I did have a lot of therapy where I verbally ventilated and gave myself permission to express and feel those unacceptable and ugly emotions. This set me free from my own self criticism of the feelings. I had to do a lot of emotional work and I had to make practical changes, as well as improving my relationship with myself and getting rid of the inner critic/bully. I understand myself now so I can be my own coach/therapist. I still live in hyper vigilance a great deal of the time but I feel safe within myself and my own body. I'm more at peace with the aspects of life I can't control, I go with the flow a lot more, and I ask for help or set boundaries (mostly internal boundaries). The schools and doctors tend to create another layer of stress onto parents so I just do my best....they are not living my life and can't grasp the daily complexities and minutia, so I no longer feel the need to please the "experts". I don't set the bar so high for myself or others, and that has reduced a lot of tension and pressure as well. In a word, acceptance. I can assure you, you will get better! You're on the right path now!

 

Thank you again, Rita! This all makes a lot of sense, and I so appreciate your taking the time to talk me through this. Appreciate you!

 

Jan, thank you! I will definitely look at Diana's story and keep on with the SEP. I really appreciate your support and have read so many of your posts on TMS Wiki in the past year.

Just a quick question. I am in the middle of some very colorful health anxiety, and I know that a lot of it has cropped up because my other son just left for college two weeks ago. Lots of feelings, sadness, etc. over this. In a coaching call with Dan Buglio this morning, I told him I must be feeling my feelings wrong - ha! - because I'm a sad, crying mess all the time about my son leaving, yet still the health anxiety is here in a big way. In other words, I'm not repressing, bc I'm in feeling mode so much of the time. Anyway, he suggested that maybe I'm ruminating on my emotions and going over and over the story (my son left, he doesn't need me anymore, etc) and that is why I keep feeling the emotions over and over again. Idk if this makes sense, but I'm just confused as to how I am repressing if I'm actually hyper focused on the feelings and bad stuff!!!

Thanks again for your help!

 

Repression can happen, so can subconscious or unconscious emotions. It is normal to feel sad when a child leaves home. It’s normal to feel a parental lack of control in your ability to keep that child “safe”. It is also normal to be angry that your child chose to move away, that life is moving on and he’s no longer your young kid to experience all the joys of growing up together.
Now he’s going to be off and experiencing joys of his life on his own, and include you when he chooses. Your life is changing. He took up your time, love, interest: you invested your heart and soul in him and this move represents changes which you’ll now potentially have no control over. You need to recognize that inside you is probably an angry lil’ ego monster yelling “What About Meeeee” Once again, these are normal things to experience but if we judge or have learned to judge those responses as bad or unwanted, we tend to shove them away. Sarno specifically discusses subconscious anger and rage (things I don’t hear Dan deal with much). This is why journaling works well for many people, it helps them to look under emotions or thoughts and see what might be lurking.
Journaling means instead of worrying about finding the source, you quickly (20 mins) write to offload those feelings, then tear it up and let it be.

 

Ok, this makes sense and perfectly sums up everything I am feeling. Rather than overanalyzing it all, I will start journaling and let it be. Thank you!!!!

 

Ok, wi

 

I'm not sure what happened to my post, Jan! But, yes, will start with abandonment, because I have a lot of trauma surrounding this topic. Thank you!

 

Hi everyone,
Great thread! So much to learn here! It’s true what Jan says. Journaling can really be eye opening, healing and clarifying. I feel for you @bgottdenker it is extremely painful, confusing and stressful when your first child leaves home. It takes a while to adjust to the loss and change. But it eventually comes. Be easy on yourself right now. It’s tough. It’s ok if you have a flare up of symptoms. You are under stress. I’ve been meaning to share another Dan Buglio interview on health anxiety. It’s a really good one. Maybe it will help you. It was eye opening to me!