My TMS story... healing

Hi all,

I wasn’t not sure if I should post my TMS story as I still struggle with pain and my repressed emotions. But I decided maybe someone will benefit from reading it, and at the same time it will help me to see how far I have come.

I started experience chronic back pain weeks after I had my first daughter, 6 years ago (2008). She was born by an unplanned C-section and was kept in the NICU for 10 days, although she was a full term and healthy baby. When I went for my 6 week post-partum appointment I mentioned to the doctor that I was experience lower back pain, and I will wake up in the middle of the night in pain. He told me that it was due to my pregnancy and carrying a newborn. My daughter was 8 lbs 10 oz at birth. At the same time I had my own hypothesis; I had a C-section and they used a spinal block, so I assumed they have messed up my spine. I always hear people saying how the epidural will cause them back pain. And this pain was so intense that it couldn’t be the side effect of holding a newborn. A lot other people have kids they don’t experience this pain. What was happening to me? (In the meantime, my marriage was hanging by a thread, my husband and I were having a hard time adopting to our new lives as a parent and redefining our relationship as a couple. Although I was never diagnosed, I think I suffered with post-partum depression)

The lower back pain will just show up in the middle of the night. I won’t be able to get up, and I started missing days from work. The pain may last for days or even weeks. In 2011, I started going to the gym, and taking yoga classes. On day I remember stretching a little too far and it felt like I might had pull a muscle. I was in a lot of pain. I tried acupuncture and it didn’t work. My doctor send me to get an X-ray of my spine. It came out with mild scoliosis and other abnormal curves on my spine. I started physical therapy. It will just give me temporary release, but the pain won’t go away. My therapist will tell me how to sit, and what stretches to do. Nothing work in the long term.

In 2012 I got pregnant again. I started seeing a chiropractor to help me manage the pain. During my pregnancy we bought a co-op. I remember being concerned that the move will cause me pain. But strangely I was not in pain. Although I was on my feet a lot and I was doing a lot of stuff for the move. We bought a new bed and our first night at the new place I had the best night sleep I ever had in a while. I was pain free for a few weeks. It was a miracle. Later, the pain came back. At this point, I will have sciatic pain. Sometime it will be on the left leg and other time on the right leg. I was ready for a wheel chair. My biggest fear was that my legs will give up on me and I won’t be able to walk again. They felt so weak. In the fall of 2012, I had a week off from work due to Sandy Hurricane in the East coast. Before that week, I thought I was not going to be able to work until my due date. I was in so much pain. But that week, I spent it at home, stress free with my husband and daughter, once again my pain was completely gone. I returned to work and I worked until I went on labor. My second baby was born naturally without any pain medication and I was walking fine just right after she was born and weeks to follow. I was happy. During my 12 week of maternity leave I was pain free! It was a miracle. But as soon I went back to work, the pain came back.

In the summer of 2013, I went in for a MRI. I just thought, there have to be some major going on my spine. I was getting ready for the worst. This much pain needed an explanation. The results for my MRI came back normal. Nothing was wrong. When I talked to the doctors, they were like let’s do another test. At the same time a close friend had told me about Dr. Sarno’s book. When I told him that my MRI was normal and I was still in chronic pain, and bought kindle version of the book for me. I got it when my husband and I were at a restaurant. I remember opening the kindle app on my phone and starting to read the book at the restaurant table. I was amazed at how Dr. Sarno’s patients had the same chronic pain I was experiencing. I was not alone, and there is a cure. I started feeling better, I had the knowledge. The pain seemed to slowly go away. But we will come back whenever I was upset or I had an disagreement with someone. I was able to predict that the next day I will be in pain. It will start with my mood and the pain will just follow. I found a TMS doctor who used to be Dr. Sarno’s student. Although I knew I had TMS, I needed to a formal diagnosis and the right treatment. He confirmed that I have TMS. And I started the lessons treatment. I started making progress! And then, my mother got laid off from her job (long story sure, she got her job back after a week). By the time she got her job back, I was in pain again, this time in my neck/shoulder/back of the head. I’m her only child and the stress of her not having a job was killing me. I felt responsible to help her financially if she needed it. Since then, I still struggling with pain. The back pain is gone, but TMS found a way to come through my neck. I finished my lesson treatment, and the doctor told me it was a good sign that pain had moved to my neck. I started journaling, and every day I work on my emotions to see how I can get rid of TMS for good. Although, my chronic back pain start 6 years ago, I think I have always suffered of TMS. As child, I used to have migraines. As a teenager and early 20s, I had stomachache and heartburn every time I ate. I even thought I had an ulcer, but all test came back clear. Despite all my aches and pain, nothing is physically wrong with me!

As you can read, TMS has been a longtime enemy, but today more than ever I know I’m going to win this war. I look forward to a life free of pain. I know it is out there. I’ll just have to dig deeper to find out what emotions I’m constantly repressing, make peace with myself, and let go of fear.

Thank you for reading my story! Sorry that is this long.

P.S I'm so happy I found this forum. I have been reading a lot of the posts in the last week or so. You guys are doing great work here fighting TMS and educating other about this syndrome that get so little attention by mainstream medicine and the general public. Thank you so much!

 

Hi, ermelin. You are going to win the war with your pain because you are working on TMS repressed emotions being the cause.
It takes that belief, 100 percent. Maybe your repressed emotions have something to do with your teen years and eating problems.
That's what Princess Diana had, and when her marriage began falling apart it triggered her feelings of being rejected and abandoned
after her mother walked out of the family with another man. Not saying what's the cause of your eating problems, but there
may very well be something repressed that causes them. Have you tried the Structured Education Program, free on on of the forums here?
It's a great way to discover our TMS pain and how to heal from it.

 

Thanks Walt. I looked into the program but I'm so overwhelmed right now that I don't know if I have the time and energy to complete the program. We are expecting our 3rd baby and I work full time. I feel that adding another item to my to-do list will just make me more stressed. Maybe in the future.

 

Congratulations Ermelin and welcome to this wonderful forum.

If you're time-poor, just remember, the SEP program is not the only route to take in recovery. Recognising your daily stressors will get you started.

Dr Sarno said repressed AND suppressed rage pave the way for TMS. Often the daily stressors are enough to give us symptoms if our 'rage/soothe' ratio is out of whack. Dr Sarno explains this concept, saying that it's often not the rage (stress), but the absence of counter-balancing soothing elements in our lives that give rise to TMS symptoms. Read Dr Sarno (Mindbody prescription) and then Nicole Sachs' book: The Meaning of Truth', as she herself was a patient of Dr Sarno, and opens up in a profound way about the demands of parenthood and its impact on her health. The insight you will get from reading these two books alone may be sufficient for you to get the TMS recovery ball rolling. If you don't have the time to read Dr Sarno's book completely, then just go to Part 1: ' The psychology and physiology of mind body disorders'. then jump to Nicole's book.

This forum will provide an abundance of help and advice also. Just do a word-search for any specific areas of concern.

Well done on getting this far!

Cheers, Colly

 

I get whammed by stresses every day. Sometimes I just close the door to my home office and cover my mouth and scream,
so my darling dog doesn't think I'm mad at her. Then after the scream releases the anger or frustration in me, I LAUGH.
That calms me down. Then I look for a positive distraction. Music, a movie, or just imagining myself on a wilderness canoe trip
in the Minnesota-Canada northwoods (my favorite vacations were there).

 

Thanks Colly... I'll look into those books. Right now I'm reading the "The Great Pain Deception" by Steven Ray Ozanich. I definitely need more soothing elements in my life. I'm always taking care of everything and everyone (also pleasing others) that I often forget to take care of myself.

 

Taking time to take care of ourself is really important. The days can go by real fast with little time for that.
We all need to try living in the present more and include deep breathing to relax us.

 

Above All remember that right now things are a bit out of balance- as you try to adjust - they will go out of balance in a different way- There will be ups and downs- but if you can remain calm- and secure in the knowledge that storms come and go- you will weather the bad parts and enjoy the good parts more fully. Being good to yourself means listenting to what your body is telling you that you need. If you are having pain- some part of you is upset- pay attention to the pain- because it will help you to unlock and find those things that you have not been aware of. All of stories have clues that lead us somewhere- we just have to pay attention to them. good luck

 

when you feel the pain lift even a little bit you suddenly gain confidence and put it on the back foot. an amazing phenomenon I wouldn't have believed if I had not experienced it for myself!
today I was out shovelling gravel helping my father and never once had an issue.