Day 8 My TMS Treatment So Far

Eight days into this. It's been difficult. Dredging up old emotions is incredibly hard. I've been noticeably moody. My mother and I had a difficult weekend: getting into an argument, me being unable to defend myself, and then her repeatedly reopening the wound over the next few days. Still unable to defend myself. I just lose my shit when I'm confronted about anything. I lose my ability to think and speak. I hate it.

I've started working with a therapist as well. Honestly, the task of repairing my emotions and mind seems a huge one; insurmountable in its magnitude. I am concerned. I cannot speak to anyone about anything. I am so private and secretive. These traits have only gotten worse as I've gotten older. Unfortunately, my affliction dictates reaching out to other people to heal. You couldn't drag me into an Alanon meeting kicking and screaming. How am I supposed to heal?

Pain-wise, I haven't noticed a huge difference. I have been making an effort to confront my worst activities head-on, but it is still nearly as painful as it's ever been. Typing is my worst activity and I've decided to confront that by journaling in my word processor. I also make a point of sitting in a relatively un-ergonomic position and not using any of my ergonomic equipment. This feels very counterintuitive. But I do have to say that with all the typing I've been doing, my pain has been relatively manageable. Yesterday was really bad. Today's okay. It's not consistent, but I'm not in agony. I played guitar for about ten minutes. That was all i could handle. I just want my life back. I want to be able to do what I used to do. I am sick of being a 25 year-old in a 60 year-old body.

 

Speaking of a 60 year old body.... ha, ha I get it. Mine has felt like an 80 year old body.

I am like you when it comes to arguing. It is impossible for me to do. I don't know if it is the fear of disappointing the other person which would require me to do if I was arguing. My brain absolutely locks up. The words don't come out or even develop of course until afterwards. Especially arguing with my Mother which I don't think I could ever do. I may express a difference of opinion then visually see her facial expression droop in disappointment. Then I would feel a dark cloud float into my head and the back of my thighs tighten up, or indigestion or low back pain or neck pain or tension in my neck and shoulders or.......

I have also been very private and controlled all my life. Today I tell many people about my journey. People who I believe can benefit. I have kept the shame of depression inside of me all my life. Now I talk about it to others. So many people suffer silently for years.... I did.

I slowly slowly went off all my medications (9 of them) and I had no increase in pain. Not sure they ever helped in the first place.

You can do this Cindy. I have complete confidence in you.

 

Thank you, Stella. Thanks for your words of confidence. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. I think that I have lived for a long time under the delusion that other people don't have problems and that I must be really messed up.

Adding on the Day 8 'Question to Ponder' here.

Are you having success at recognizing the emotions connected to your pain? If you have, how do these emotions make you feel? If not, what do you think is preventing you from doing this?

So far, I have confidently identified one emotion that triggers pain. Talking about it is difficult because it truly is a first-world problem. My fear is that people would sarcastically reply 'oh, boo-hoo, poor you.'

I'm a musician, and I've worked toward a career as a singer-songwriter since I realized this was what I wanted as an early adolescent. Up until recently, I spent 90 percent of my young adulthood in NYC pursuing this goal and making some serious progress. Along the way, I met my current best friend, a girl I love so dearly who has taught me so much. We share the same goal in life. While my pain has crippled me musically and forced me to essentially stop making music for the last year, my friend has been able to continue plowing ahead with her music and has recently begun reaping the rewards of success. She has recently been sharing a lot of the excellent press she's been receiving from important music journalism outlets that people actually read.

I am proud of her, happy for her, and truly feel that she deserves this success as she works incredibly hard and is extremely talented. But whenever I see a new press clipping of hers or piece of good news, I've noticed - especially in the past few days - that I experience shooting pains in my forearms. The emotions I experience when I see these things are conscious - thinking about how i've been unfairly burdened with this pain, thinking about the financial advantages she has that I don't, thinking about why the hell i'm not there yet. I know i'm capable in every respect of doing the same thing, perhaps even more, but I grow resentful at my physical limitations that none of my friends share. Why me? I feel like a failure, like my career was cut short before it even began. I worked hard for a while; the result was pain. I stopped working; the pain didn't go away. My confidence in my ability to achieve my goals plummeted. I'm only recently beginning to rebuild.

I should also mention that I have a cousin who is currently doing very well in his chosen nontraditional career. he receives fawning support from my parents. they even support him financially. I know they would do the same for me, and yet. Kind of the same thing: getting a lot of press, getting a lot closer to his goals, extremely talented, works really hard. These people are both the same age as me, and yet I'm not there with them. Why not? Why me?

As for other triggers, I'm sure they're there. I'm proud of myself for identifying one. But I have a lot more to go.

 

I am glad you have some insights into this. I would be journaling about my feelings. I would say there is a childhood connection here somewhere which is why you want to be so private; did someone betray a confidence?
I would be doing some probing here to get underneath these current triggers for you. You can do it! Yes, it requires work and unpleasant memories being processed, but the end result is so worth it!
I was stuck in bed in pain and I said exactly what you are saying: I want my life back!
And I did the work and got my life back and a lot more. The knowledge and understanding of myself and others gained has been priceless!
Warm hugs!

 

Cindy,
It's great that you are aware of these emotions. "Why her? Why not me?" It's only natural to feel this way. I would suggest going deeper. What are some emotions you may be repressing here? Remember, we repress emotions that our conscious mind finds unacceptable, that don't fit in with the persona we have created for ourselves.

I recently did some journaling about my sister and admitted I was jealous of her and that --yikes--I hated her! But I love her! But I hate her too!

Totally unacceptable. It's like the conflict parents often have--on some level they hate their kids for how they've disrupted their lives. They love them but they hate them. But hating your kids is not acceptable to the ego, so we bury the emotion away.

Anyway, this is one method I use. Explore my conscious emotions and then try to guess what my subconscious might be hiding from me.

wishing you healing on your journey...

 

Thank you. Helpful words from all of you. So weird and freeing to probe into this stuff and admit it all to myself. It's very difficult for me to be vulnerable, but the kindness is overwhelming (in a good way). The resolution just seems to fall into place once you admit the problem.

 

Cindy, you say you have shooting pains in your forearms when you read the press releases of your friends. What are you telling yourself in your mind about you when you read this? Keep journaling you will get to the bottom of this.