Day 8 My Unsent Letter and Avoidance

I've made it to the 8th day! This will be my first forum post, although I participated in a very warm and welcoming chat last Saturday, which helped a lot!

I decided to make this forum post because the "Unsent Letters" journaling exercise gave me insight to a certain pattern I've engaged in for the past 3 years since my TMS symptoms developed. Upon reading today's exercise, my immediate thought went to a specific incident I emotionally shut away from due to fear, and my subsequent impulse was to eschew the idea of addressing it. My mind raced as I reasoned, "I could always do this another time" and, "I'm scared, I really feel like accepting and letting it go is for the best, so I don't want to write about it."

But when I sat and pondered about this for a while, I realized that my brain has been, albeit its best interests, shielding me from an enemy that needs to be faced. That enemy is none other than myself, and the fear I built within me towards this incident. I felt my chest well up in pain and a lump in my throat forming as I recalled the emotions tied to the event, and in that moment, I knew I had to send my letter to it, no matter how terrifying doing so may be. TMS, as I have learned, occurs when we repress and refuse to face our emotions, and fear is the building block to its foundation. What better way to face it than to write my letter on this incident, to which so much guilt, pain and regret has formed.

The strange thing is, the letter flowed seamlessly, as if the pent up emotions were spilling out like a delicate stream, not the raging waterfall I assumed it would be. In fact, it also gave me new perspective of the event, that it was not as bad as I assumed it had been, and that, while I may have run away from it, that does not make me a bad person, it makes me human. Maybe one day I will have the courage to face the actual incident and move past it, but, for now, it feels good to know that I was able to acknowledge its pain. I used to think TMS was a curse placed upon me as a lesson, but now I realize that it may actually be a form of misguided love from myself. I thank it for trying to shield me, but bid it farewell as I come to understand that moving past trauma is the way to healing, and the way to take my next step forward in life.

Thank you for reading, and I wish you a wonderful day!