Day 6 No emotions, but my past comes back to me

Hi SEP,

I started journaling about another thing, that impacted me a lot in recent years. I have been trying to fit in with people who are different from who I am in my time as a student (they were a lot cooler, in my view). And my entire existence became trying to be somebody I'm not. I tried to hide the friends I had before, the girlfriends I had (because I was embarrassed they would be not 'up to par'), and I tried to behave like a 'cool person'.

Now I see that I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself to fit into that image, and that what I would most want to do is just relax. Maybe there is some anger towards those people who were calling me out on behavior that didn't 'fit the picture', but it didn't came out. I felt some sadness and I still feel it a bit now. I found out that it is mentally tiring to put every word you are going to say and every action, joke, name you make/mention to some form of mental filter that filters out the 'weird' stuff and keeps only the cool stuff.

I also noticed how when I journal I tend to describe it in a analytical way, instead of really connecting with my emotions. A sentence with "I feel ..." usually precedes another one going into the explanation of why I feel that way. Is there a way to approach journaling to focus more on feelings? Or is it just trial and error?

While journaling, I remembered several other things from my past. Which is crazy to me. Each time I'm thinking: "oh wait, this probably had something to do with me repressing my emotions too".

See you guys for day 7

 

That sounds exhausting. And it is not that uncommon. Yes, you might have anger towards people peer pressuring you into this and not accepting you for who you are, but I would guess you also have anger internally at yourself for treating yourself this way and not standing up for yourself.

This is common in the beginning. Alan Gordon often say that feelings start in the body, so start noticing that instead of rationalization in your mind. Like are you having an urge to clench your fist? A burning sensation in your body? A pressure, like exploding? Anger. Don't think, be in the body. Or heaviness in your stomach/chest, softness in eyes etc. could be sadness. But yes, I also had problems in the beginning to even have sensations. I needed to start addressing my defense mechanisms.

So, rationalization might be one of your defense mechanism and you need to start tearing it down. Teach your body that you don't have to have an explanation to a feeling. Feelings are not correct or incorrect, they just are and sometimes also very "inappropriate".

I can just imagine how many of my feelings would be repressed if they required a rational justification that make sense in the moral conducts.

 

Thanks for the reply! I will definitely take this into account tomorrow for journaling