Outing my TMS brain....

Just had a massive argument with work colleagues during which I really lost my temper and raged. And totally justified it must be said. Feeling completely overworked and that one person in particular is slacking off, not doing their job, not stepping up and taking responsibility and thus I'm left feeling enraged at the unfairness of the pressure I feel (the self imposed pressure to be responsible, in control, good, conscientious etc)
I tried to process the rage fully out to the end by smashing a big cardboard carpet tube around the garage and then hitting tennis balls against a wall! BUT, the outburst of rage brings with it intense, sneaky, rotten shame. Shame at speaking up, shame at asking to be heard, shame at unleashing my anger, fear of reprisal and comeback, fear of rejection and abandonment, fear of judgement, fear of being outed and mocked, fear at having lost control.
Guess what? I have a spontaneous pulsing blocked up pain feeling in my right ear. Out of nowhere! A truly random TMS symptom that has been around before but not for a few years.

If this is not the definition of TMS I don't know what is. Huge emotional turmoil : all the beautiful juicy emotions like rage, shame and fear of abandonment. And physical symptoms showing up out of the blue yelling "HEY LOOK AT ME!! LOOK OVER HERE, THIS IS REALLY GONNA UPSET YOU!!!!"

My brain is trying to protect me. To protect me from overwhelming feelings of shame, fear, loneliness.

So I'm here. Journalling in public, outing my TMS, outing my brain. Saying STOP I don't need the physical pain, I can handle the shame, I can console the 8 yr old terrified me who is curled in a corner waiting to be attacked, hit, slapped, mocked and have the love withdrawn.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

 

**UPDATE**

My ear pain is gone now.

QED

LOL