Day 9 Over critical

QTP: Have you been overly critical of yourself lately? How and why have you done this?

Well I've been better lately, so that's a start. But I'm always hard on myself and I need to get better at this. Usually I'm over critical of my attempts at weight loss, but since I've been killing it lately, that hasn't been an issue.

I've been a bit hard on myself about my internship though. I always think I can do better, but the reality is I'm working really hard. I'm generally the last one there at the end of the day and I do a lot more total work than the other interns. I guess I'm just in a hurry to keep learning more and more. Why do I do this? I'm not sure. I guess I'm just over competitive and trying to make up for the years I've lost because of the pain. I think part of it is also a reflection of my insecurity. I almost don't feel like I belong in this environment. The other interns have much better resumes and don't struggle with the kinds of things I do (weight loss, back pain, socializing). I try to remind myself that whether or not I belong here is kind of irrelevant and so are what problems different people have. I have no idea what they have been through, just as much as they don't know what I've been through. I am here and I'm doing great. I think I fear the end of this opportunity because I don't think I'll get another one like it.

The other day an attorney told me to give him his resume because he was impressed with how I conferenced a case. My first thought was, "he'll see my resume and laugh. He'll never take me in." I spent a few days thinking that, but then my cousin told me that the reality was he made an affirmative step to ask for my resume. He's already interested. He might want to work with me and just the fact that he asked should be taken as a huge compliment. The other interns haven't gotten any offers. I realized she was right. I'll give him the resume and if he doesn't like it, well then the Others take him.

 

Ah, the f-word. Fear can be the source of a lot of self-criticism. For me, the fear of others judging/criticizing me is so strong that I generate even stronger self-criticism that is often irrational, and at times, even outrageous. The thing about self-criticism is, at least in my experience, it's totally emotionally based, and although the critique of a behavior/action/situation perhaps stems from some truth, it usually is some distorted, worst-case scenario, irrational version of that truth.

Reading this, though, it's clear to me that you are able to step back and challenge those criticisms by looking at the situation rationally. I really admire that. If you continue to do that, add reason into the equation, I'm sure you not only will be able to quickly reason away any destructive and critical thoughts, but you will gain more confidence in your abilities and be able to really appreciate your many accomplishments -- weight loss, making gigantic strides towards overcoming your TMS, and of course, the recent success at work. You should feel incredibly proud of yourself!

 

Truth! I used to always jump to the worst case scenario of everything but caught myself one day.

Becca: you're sort of totally awesome.