Day 3 Overactive Bladder aka Mind over Bladder

Day 3. I am trying to become outcome independent. I know it's TMS. I went to the doc, they rant tests, nothing. Which I knew going in but I did it to be able to remain focused that it's TMS. My brain likes to throw what ifs at most inopportune times.

I decide to go for a hike, it reveals itself as TMS, in the beginning of the hike I feel the urge to "go" and at some point I do. Then about 15 mins later the urge comes back. I notice I have a hard time being focussed on the hike and nature. My mind is stuck in a loop of feeling the urge to go. I finally get into the hike, time passes the urge went away just like that. Aha! I say, and then it comes right back. This went on for the 5 hours I hiked.

If I do go, which sometimes you really have to. I get this alternating sensation of nausea and then shaky anxiety. All my previous TMS.

So I post on here and I got one response. Keep track of when you go. I guess my plan is the same as anything else become outcome independent, go when I have to, keep loose track of when I went but don't let it occupy me to point of obsession. Lean into the anxiety, and feel it. It usually passes and I feel a great sense of calm. This has been working and lessening at times. Other times its just status quo. So be it.

The one thing that is interesting is how facing a previous fear and basically being not afraid of that, that my brain decided this situation. I know my brain, he's persistent, obsessive at times. Part of my personality.

One childhood relation which is very interesting, when I was about 7, in second grade, I used to hold it in upon morning recess. Then the bell would ring and I would have to use the bathroom really bad. Every time I was so shy about asking the teacher. I was sure one day she would say no. This was the 1980's mind you and it happened to other kids. She was a sweet woman and she always said yes. This one time i held it too long, and on the way out the door as another kid was coming in i got my finger smashed in the door. Well there went all the pee. I was embarassed, ashamed, and crying and bit scared. I was already anxious about being a kid that didnt fit in. The school counselor was cool about it, called my mom and drove me to my house. It was a small town and everyone knew each other.

Im not sure how that plays into this but it seems significant. I dont have to figure it out, I think I just have to realize how i felt, how it felt and maybe somethings going on around me may be causing a similar reaction.

I will say I find my self more and more apt to deal with this situation. It sucks, but Im not going to let it run my life.