Day 20 part of the learning curve

I’ve had an interesting amount of time since last writing. Great things and life is good. A few days ago I started getting vertigo, dizziness and spaced out feelings. Usually triggered when I start driving but also when I draw or write at times. Thought that also produces lots of anxiety. When I write or draw I feel my mind if reflective and it wanders all over and memories of things from a past relationship creep in and also anything associated with grad school to just past memories. This is normal for me and some things aren’t loaded with emotion and I’m just an observer to these thoughts. As they build I feel the anxiety build and build and I see it through and it breaks much like a wave....eventually.

I’m not worried about it as much as before since it comes and goes. My girlfriend and I drove to the beach and on the way there I had very hard time focusing I felt in an out of it and dissociated or spaciness. Then we get to the campground and I feel a very sharp pain in my lower back where it attaches to the coccyx. A day before I had worked out at the gym and I was very sore in my lower back and in my legs. I figured it was that I pulled a muscle. The pain grew and grew, so I focused on it. I still couldn’t tell. I almost came to tears setting up the tent as I bent down. I took some CBD to help with the pain. I haven’t taken anything for pain in 2 years. It helped and I fell asleep. I woke up and I felt a sciatica pain. Hmmm. It was moving around? Maybe it was. I decided to stop engaging in what if it’s TMS or not and decided if it’s real then that’s fine and if it’s TmS then that’s fine too. I’ll just go about my day and not worry since I know a pulled muscle hurts but it’s nothing to worry about.

I found my mind trying to focus on it over and over. I thought well this is just habit even if it’s real. I redirected my focus and proceeded to fish. I caught some tiny fish and felt some emotions come up. Then a flooding of anxiety came like a wave. I let it come in and felt my way through and kept on my day. It was beautiful and hot and the beach mist was cold.

I came across a dead seal. I felt some sadness and I bent down to get a closer look. NO Pain whatsoever! How was this TMS? It felt like an injury! I said aha! And the pain suddenly shot back up.

It didn’t last much longer than another hour.

The pain is gone but the spaciness and dizziness is sticking around for some reason. I suppose this is all part of the process. Even this comes and goes as I accept it and continue with my day as best as I can.