Partner still triggering my symptoms

Hi everyone,

I know I’ve already posted about this in the past how my husband is a trigger of one of some of my symptoms. But I feel stuck and need help

the most annoying symptom that bothers me the most happens when I’m around my husband. My body goes into a braving pattern around him. My breathing gets short, and I get tension in my jaw and neck. I’ve been journaling and listening to Nicole’s podcasts and doing all the things. The tension has eased up maybe just a tad, and of course I’m getting new symptoms on top of it. But I guess the one thing that prevents me from feeling like I can heal while still being around him is I noticed in my body that when I think of the word divorce, the tension I feel in those areas start to relax, and my breathing feels easier. I’ve journaled about it so many times about it and I’ve really let myself think of the possibility of divorce (even though I want to work on our marriage problems). I guess I just want to have a reason of why my body relaxes at the thought of this word? I’m so stuck on finding the reason.

Journaling has made me realize certain needs I need from my husband and he’s been working on himself SO much (he now journals and talks about how he feels instead of avoiding it) so we are both actually committed to working on our marriage. So what the heck gives? Why is my body continuing relax at the thought of divorce? Ugh. And then I end up obsessing over it and any time I feel tension that I can’t release when I’m around him, all I do now is think of the word “divorce” to alleviate my symptoms.

 

This one hits close to home. I read a few of your other posts too. These bodily sensations you're describing, they are the emotion of fear. I had the same emotion around my wife, and I still have it around my son when he misbehaves. Basically you're afraid of him for some reason. You could say your brain is perceiving danger. The perception may not be logical, but that doesn't change the fact of its existence. You have to sit there or lie down quietly and let those sensations be there without trying to change them, until they go away on their own. It may be due to unresolved conflicts, or if they been resolved it could simply be a learned response, conditioning in other words.

I don't know exactly how to advise you, but I suspect this has something to do with you forgiving your husband for whatever the problems were, assuming they have been resolved. I read something near the end of Steve Ozanich's Great Pain Deception book about forgiveness. I don't know how to explain forgiveness, because there are many people I do not forgive, and still actively despise in fact. I did forgive my wife though for problems we had. Anyway Steve said in his book that unfortunately sometimes our Ego prevents forgiveness in the time we're allotted in life with our loved ones. Then I thought of a most important person in my life who is dead now, and with whom I had some arguments near the end of her life. The troubles were never entirely resolved before she died and I felt deeply guilty and full of regret. I thought of this as I considered Steve's statement and my tears of sadness flowed. I did not want to repeat this with my wife. The next day and thereafter I no longer was afraid of my wife. Whatever that emotional change is, that's forgiveness.

A few more things
- As you are afraid, he must totally and completely approve of you. He must show no disapproval and that must be genuine or your subconscious will know. Call it telepathy, and there's a neurological basis for it too.
- Neither of you must want to extract anything out of the other to make yourselves feel good, safe, complete, etc (you meet your own needs).
- Any expectations or disapproval that either of your family members have for him or for you, they have to be eliminated completely. That kind of interference is poison to any relationship.
- Unless and until you are both 100% confident that these issues are all worked out, I would not have a child. These problems are hard on children emotionally.

 

I do put a lot of pressure on my marriage and on my symptoms to go away so I can go back to enjoying being around my husband instead of obsessing over the symptoms around him.