Pattern of anxiety and negative thinking/behavior

I’ve noticed a reoccurring theme with anxiety in its endless manifestations with me.
I was struggling with a REALLY difficult living situation for a number of years, long story short it gave me more stress than I would wish on anyone as well as panic attacks. I told myself if only I could find a better place to live, everything would be just fine. I finally moved near family in a MUCH better and nicer living environment where my previous stressors are a thing of the past. But I’m just as miserable as I was before. When I’m home by myself, I just get anxiety and panic attacks about being isolated. I’ve been super lonely and dealing with severe anxiety about being alone for the rest of my life and wanting to find a partner to have a life with.

Right as I moved, I met an amazing BEAUTIFUL woman. I was crazy about her. I thought she was the one. But it didn’t make the anxiety go away. It just changed. I found plenty of things to complain about with her and be anxious about - she wasn’t available as often as I needed her to be, she wouldn’t call as often as I’d like to assure me she cared about me, I constantly worried I wasn’t good enough for her etc. Again, long story short, she broke up with me just 2 months after we started going out because I was too needy and toxic for her, and I’m back to feeling constantly anxious that I’m going to be alone the rest of my life.
The same week she broke up with me, I was in an accident and my car was totaled. I’ve been under the stress of worrying how I’m going to get places without a car, 2 months now without a car, it’s been very difficult. I just found out recently that my family is going to help me good another one in the next couple of weeks. Great relief right? Well not really. Than my mind just started worrying about how I’m going to afford to do the things I want to do when I get my car, as I have been under a lot of financial stress as well.

All of this has caused an enormous amount of frustration on my family, who they perceive me as simply being a horribly ungrateful person. When I look at this objectively, I see they’re right - I’ve had a lot to be grateful for and it’s irrational to be acting this way. But I also see this as a sign of a serious anxiety disorder. Call it what you call - Severe TMS. My brain never feels safe and is always looking for something to be negative about. It’s not just anxiety. I ALWAYS feel bad, anxious and depressed, and angry. ALWAYS. I see a pattern here of the symptom imperative in the form of various anxiety thoughts. Oh and also whenever I’m able to neutralize the fear of one issue I’m having, another set of fear thoughts come up, or a physical symptom like migraine headaches will instantly come up. I don’t know what the underlying issue is to get rid of the Symptom Imperative though and I can’t break this cycle.

 

@Davideus85 ! I have good news for you! A lot of what you need to know is in this book: Hope and Help for Your Nerves, By Dr. Claire Weekes. She also has an audio book. And I think you can hear portions of her book on YouTube, if you do a search. She explains how you can get your body into such a severe state of anxiety that it takes special efforts and thoughts to heal it. She spells it all out very simply. She even explains the sense of hopelessness you express. It’s all “normal” for what you’re describing. I think this book will help you a lot.

Hope you feel better. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot of hard things. It seems for most of us with anxiety/TMS, troubles really add up. It’s a hard life for us. But learning about yourself and doing all the spiritual and emotional work to heal can also change your life for the better in the long run, if you let it.

 

Imo this signposts the answer to your difficulties, and that is to break the "pattern" of your anxiety by cultivating a general attitude - and making a habit of - gratitude. Focus on being grateful for the things that are good in your life, even if you don't actually appreciate and feel grateful for them atm - "fake it, 'til you make it", and keep at it as it takes time to build and make a new habit. You've demonstrated that you are able to see what is good in your life, so write those things down and dwell on them - at least 5 things every day (basic things count like having a comfortable bed to sleep in and food in your belly).

 

Yikes! I’m guilty of this.

 

@JanAtheCPA @Diana-M @BloodMoon
The problem is that victim mentality is just another TMS Equivalent. Just a thought pattern that’s purpose is to distract me and preoccupy me from emotions. What that is exactly I have no idea but my unconscious clearly has a very strong need for preoccupation. I’m pretty sure it’s TMS because every attempt I’ve made to break free from negative thought patterns, however briefly successful I ended up at doing so, just results in me developing new symptoms. And the symptoms are so miserable, they inevitably end up compelling me to go back to victim thought patterns. I feel completely stuck and unable to do anything about it (Yes I know, just another victim statement).

 

I think the whole idea is to uncover your emotions. Do “The Work”—the emotional work to heal. This sometimes brings on more symptoms before you get all the way better. The answer is to forge ahead through thick and thin and keep doing the work. One day you’ll break free. The only way out is through.