Paused SEP, doing work with therapist

I paused my methodical work with the SEP and am doing guided work with my therapist instead. Doing well so far.

This weekend was awful, though. So many triggers all in one time and place (I won't go into it). I decided to start a new antidepressant in order to help with my sleep and safety while I do this important emotional and mental work.

One thing I realized was how much rage I have at my spouse for not taking care of me the way I wish he would.

There are a lot of hard feelings that we can experience, but rage...well, there's a reason Dr. Sarno points out that it's rage, not anger, that is so often at work. Rage is so big, such a monster, that we really don't want to let him out. Anger is much more acceptable (even though it, too, is not easy to accept!).

Rage is things like:

- Maybe I made a big mistake
- Maybe my spouse doesn't really want to know me
- Maybe I chose the wrong career path
- Maybe I was wrong all along
- Maybe I was right all along
- Maybe I really do have to take care of myself

These are the things swirling about in my head as I go from "I can't look at the computer, it causes too much eye strain and facial pain" to "gosh, if I release the tension it turns out I can read the words I'm typing perfectly fine."

Not that it doesn't hurt. But I actually can see...and my eyes actually don't hurt...it's around them...

(For those who don't know, vision issues are probably my biggest manifestation of TMS right now...along with ETD, neck pain and facial pain and awful headaches, and insomnia and anxiety)

 

Wow, @dlane2530 ! You are making some hard-core progress! I’m really impressed! Good for you! you’re definitely looking in the right direction— and it’s really hard.

Well this is a great sign! it shows that one day you’re going to be free.

 

Yes, it's the end of the day...this should be the worst possible time for my eyes! And yet...

???

Thank you for your encouragement!!

 

You certainly have an excellent grasp of Sarno! Keep doing the good work and hang tight!!

 

Thanks, @Cactusflower! It's definitely really tough and I (like all of us) need all the encouragement I can get!

 

Sounds like you have definitely had some powerful insights! That's huge!
And, it sounds like maybe acknowledging those thoughts gave some release.

It seems rage/anger kind of the topic of the day today as I am on Day 2 which I understand will be the topic and because I have seen a few posts about it. It's so incredibly helpful to read of others' experiences and thoughts about this, so thank you for sharing yours.

 

I am new to this work, too, but welcome
My big tips from my massive 3-4 weeks of TMS awareness: Do not be tricked by flare-ups, extinction bursts, and the symptom imperative!!

 

Thank you so much, @dlane2530!
Your comment comes at just the right moment for me as the skin flare (burning, redness) right now is so intense that everything in me is saying
"UM, see, I mean look you can even look in the mirror and see this physically - you will NEVER be able to live life again! Just give up already!" and so many images of the pain and suffering. Trying to just keep on on keeping on. Thanks again for the tips!
Sending all good thoughts!

 

@NewBeginning Is this your first rodeo with TMS? I wonder if you look back at your life if you can identify other instances of TMS that you didn't realize were TMS at the time but did actually eventually recover from. I know I have several such instances in my life.
And I already recovered from those. In other words, I have already had plenty of success in beating TMS.
Maybe you have, too, if you think about it. That sprain that went on for weeks and weeks? Those migraines when you were in a bad relationship?
So you can say to that skin flare, "I already know I can beat TMS. Even TMS that looks extremely physical."

 

This is exactly what TMS always wants to tell you with every symptom you ever get— and it picks the most scary, most frustrating, most terrorizing symptoms for you, personally. it actually wants to protect you and make you go under a rock and stay there. Because it doesn’t care if you actually have a good life it just wants to keep you alive. But it’s wrong. And the entire thing is a lie. if your TMS brain wanted to it could make your skin clear up in 30 minutes or less. it’s literally a lie. And it’s only keeping it there because you’re afraid— your fear is fueling it. Your depression and futility is fueling it. if you could literally somehow laugh at it and say “oh I love how I look; I like this, can you make it even redder?” it would actually give up.

 

@NewBeginning
True story. Years ago before I knew about TMS, I had severe anxiety that gave me panic attacks in public. So, I was afraid to leave the house. The panic attacks felt like I was having a heart attack and other terrible feelings. And you get so afraid you’re going have more panic attacks that you just fear everything and you make everything worse because you’re so afraid. I quit my job and stayed at home for two years, but finally, I had to get a job again despite the panic. On the second day of the job, I had a full-blown panic attack sitting in a restaurant having lunch with my new boss. Sitting right across from her! My worst fear, my worst nightmare happened. She literally didn’t even know I had it. And I realized that since I lived through the worst already, I could do it again— so I wasn’t afraid anymore. And every time I felt a panic attack coming on, I would say, “Go ahead. I don’t care, go right ahead!” And after that over a few weeks’ time, my panic went away. Many years later, after the pandemic was over, when I went out in public again I started getting panic that I knew could lead into panic attacks— and I said the same thing and they went away. This is my little example of how if you can somehow laugh at it— it really does give up.

Writing this— I realize that I haven’t been strong enough to do that for my symptoms now. Maybe I should try harder!

 

YES - it really has picked those symptoms that are the absolute most intense for me personally...and there are so many "amazing" reasons why it chose these particular things - it's kind of genius really! So many things have never been able to stop me -- I even broke my ankle once and just assumed it was a sprain and by the time I went to the doctor the x-ray tech thought I was there for a follow-up visit, because the bone had already formed a callous and was healing it all up just fine - there wasn't anything left to do, but keep doing the same things I was!
BUT, these, these symptoms, all of them have gotten the very core of me so intensely - there is a whole backstory with it, that I won't bore you with the details, but if I would have even initially just thought, "oh, this is just a brief reaction to something - it'll take care of itself" I would have avoided so many of the tangential things that have developed... Alas, learning and growth and starting from here.
Thanks again for the reminders!

 

@NewBeginning , You are a tough cookie! (The ankle!) You got this!

Your brain knows YOU— so it knows just how to scare you perfectly. Evil, isn’t it?!

 

@NewBeginning @Diana-M There's this great video from my favorite anxiety guy about this very effect...if only I didn't have "that one symptom" that really gets me...if only I had HER "one symptom" or HIS "one symptom" instead!
He basically says, Sorry, but your boring old symptom is just like any other boring old symptom...it's just anxiety.
I love this guy.
Here it is:

 

LOVE This! You stood up to the bully! And, have shown you can do it again and again!
Clearly, you ARE strong enough to do that for anything that comes your way!

 

Thanks so much @dlane2530! Will check it out!

AND, yes, I am so hoping to get to the place where these symptoms that have gotten to the core of me can be viewed like those other TMS in the past! I appreciate the reminder!

 

Love this video!!! Thank you, @dlane2530 ! I’m going to follow this guy.