Day 33 Positive changes and setbacks and perfectionism

Hello my fellow pain pilgrims!

So, the SEP today was about perfectionism and at the same time suggested that I write about positive changes that I have noticed in my life.

I turned that over and over in my head, because this past week I had a couple of "setbacks" where I got a little discouraged, but then as I was thinking about positive changes coupled with perfectionism, I realized that I had taken a couple of huge steps forward NOT backward.

The first was last week, I had a panic attack because I had a very slight bloody nose. My mind went into panic mode immediately thinking that I had a perforated septum because I had been using a steroid nasal spray and that I would need surgery and I had a huge hole in my septum and soon my nose would collapse, you know The Spiral. I started to go down the Google doom hole, but about 8 minutes in I STOPPED MYSELF. I decided to do a guided meditation where I did progressive muscle relaxation and actually STOPPED MY PANIC ATTACK.

That day, I felt a little discouraged because I had a panic attack and reverted back to some old destructive habits, but then I realized that was my perfectionism talking.

Meaning, I caught the thought pattern: 'if only I hadn't had a panic attack in the first place, if only I didn't Google AT ALL, then I could call this a success.' When really I should be throwing myself a little celebration, because holy smokes, I made huge progress that day! I used to spend all day long Googling frantically, feeling tight and scared, but this time I was able to calm myself in the space of 20 minutes.

We went down to the coast this weekend for the first time since I've had several pain free days in a row, and surprise, surprise, I got a little neck tightness because the food wasn't very good (someone really scrambled those oysters) and I got worried because if the food isn't very good, sometimes my husband will get upset at me and act like I'm going to throw a fit, even though I have never in my life even said anything. (His mother was kind of an embarassing tyrant in restaurants - so I think that's what it is).

So, I generally just shut up and don't say anything in order to avoid upsetting him, and gut whatever gross food is there. I don't want y'all to get the wrong impression, I am not a picky eater at all (liver and onions lover here), but we only eat out about twice a month, so I guess the stakes are higher (though they really aren't - it's just a matter of perception.)

I started to do the usual avoidance dance and felt my neck getting tighter and tighter, so I just said "I don't think I'm going to eat these oysters." He started his usual "I don't think there's anything wrong with them." So, I just said "you can go ahead and have mine then. I don't want them."

My neck was way looser because I just said "no" instead of trying to please everyone. Would I have preferred that the oysters were perfect? Sure. I love raw oysters. But, they weren't and refusing to eat them was a symbol for my freedom to refuse. The freedom to say "no."

It was a huge step forward, as well. I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. Because even though my anxious thoughts crop up and sometimes I get a jolt of pain, now I know they are only temporary and I can keep employing these tools. I am getting better and better!

Thank you all for reading. May your week be full of joy!

 

Woohooo!!! These are two HUGE victories!!!! Super huge! You should be really proud of yourself. Yes, you are getting better and better!

 

Thank you, @Diana-M! I saw that you are doing the SEP again. Get it, girl. I can't wait to see all your progress. You do so much cheerleading for everyone, I'm so happy to see you on the field so we can cheer you on too.

 

@JanAtheCPA, damn you've always got dat good advice. I'm definitely going to ask him if he's reacting to old negative memories of some other relationship when this comes up again, instead of repeating the same silly patterns.

No ill effects! Though he (and he's so good about this) later said "those oysters were pretty gross." When someone was cleaning them, they just really scrambled them with the oyster knife, I think.

Let me know how that book goes! I think I'm going to do "The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook" by Dr. Kristen Neff next, because I'm almost done with the SEP.

 

Another option for "workbook" type guides to do the work is the Artists Way. I've had mine since January and have been putting everything else first instead of doing that work

 

Happened to me too, only I was the one who was afraid I’d lose my hard-won sense of self. After divorcing my first husband, I bought myself a signet ring with my initials to remind me of never again falling into that trap. When the 10 carat gold initials began to rub away, it triggered my concern that I was losing myself to my new love. At times I probably did. At other times, my independence is exactly what he fell for. We were together 42 years.

 

Hi my friend. I really love to read that you are doing so great. It is quite inspring. Coincidentally I ordered the book by Kristen Neff just a week ago. So far I can definitely recommend it.

 

@berlinale!

I'm so glad to see you here. How are YOU doing?

I was thinking about you the other day, because (and don't laugh - or maybe do - laughter is good for us) I do these bike rides on my exercise bike where this Austrian couple films their bike rides all over the countryside of Europe, so I can pretend I'm biking in the Alps or whatever, and did one in the vineyards of Bockenheim. I thought immediately, "I wonder how my friend @berlineale is doing?"

I know Berlin and Bockenheim are pretty far from one another, but it was German and sunny and so, so clean and adorable in the little villages they rode through.

I can't wait to read that Kristen Neff book. I love how based in evolutionary biology her strategies are.

Anywho, let me know how it's all going! I'm dying to know.

 

@homorobothead

Great to hear that you were riding through the vineyards of Bockenheim. I hope you enjoyed it. and no, i did not laugh...but i was smiling big time.

Yes, Berlin and Bockenheim are quite far from one another but compared to distances you are used to in America still relatively close. That reminds me that I still have not found out where you are located in the US although i am really curious about it... I want to know where my beloved TMS friend lives...

I am doing okay. thanks a lot for asking. My stomach issues have not really improved but I am dealing a bit better with it. It seems that these GI issues are a little more persistent but I am trying to stay positive. I do some TMS work daily and I am still convinced I will get there slowly. I had a setback this week though as I had a check in with my knee surgeon and there is a chance that my knee surgery did not work as planned. Unfortunatelly it is clearly a structural damage so the TMS work will not help here and it is currently limiting my physical activities. Nevertheless, it can still improve in the next 6 months so i am trying to be patient here as well. i gues this makes my TMS healing also a bit more complicated and slowly as the knee injury was probably a trigger for my TMS symptoms

I am wishing you (and of course anybody else here in the forum) a great weekend!

 

Yes, you will! And maybe even faster than you think!

 

Thanks a lot. I admit that i hope for a faster recovery as well.

 

Hey @berlinale!

I didn't realize I hadn't waxed poetic about where I live.

I'm located in a very rural area in coastal Mississippi, the closest town is Saucier, MS. We get hurricanes and tornados here, but it kind of binds the community tightly, so in a way it's nice, if kind of scary. We have these tall pine trees called Loblolly pines and huge twisted oak trees draped in Spanish moss, and the Gulf, where you can ferry out to the barrier islands and bottlenose dolphins will play in the wake of the ferry, and sometimes come close to the swimmers on the beach and spyhop a few yards away. We're only an hour and a half outside of New Orleans (where I lived for ten years) and a lot of my friends live.

It's awesome that you're sticking with the program even though your body wants to take things slowly. I'm glad you're dealing with the stomach stuff better. I know that can't be pleasant, especially since we have to eat to survive!

Yikes! Knee surgery sounds pretty painful and I'm sure every time you get a twinge or jolt from scar tissue, it naturally sets off your nervous system. I'm super proud of you though. You're doing that hard work and once your body heals (because it definitely wants to) you'll have a nice big emotional toolkit to deal with any subsequent pain.

What kinds of activities do you usually enjoy? I really want to go to the Ragnarok Festival in Lichtenfels someday. Germany has the best metal festivals in the world!

 

Hi @homorobothead

Wow, it sounds pretty idyllic where you live. Seems like a perfect place to recover from TMS. I have never been to Mississippi so far but New Orleans has been on my target list for a long time. If I go there I will let you know and we go dolping swimming! The closest I came so far was Florida.

Hey, i did not know you are "metalhead". I have heard about Ragnarok Festival but never been there. The most famous German metal festival is Wacken Open Air though. It is relatively close to where I grew up (at the baltic sea). It is a huge event and Wacken has become already a kind of brand or trade name. They even organize a cruise tour now, the full metal cruise. I am a music lover myself but not much into metal . The "closest" to metal I come is probably RATM I would say. Other activities I love are sports (limited now due to my knee), travelling/exploring the world, video gaming, being on the ocean. Just like nearly everybody else I guess! How about you?