Day 1 Postpartum recovery triggered fissures, IBS, anxiety

So I have been familiar with TMS work for a while. I first discovered it about 4 years ago when I threw out my back - each time it was during a very stressful time in my life (sister's messy divorce, going through IVF treatment etc). Then I started getting what I thought were hemorrhoids and later found out were anal fissures. Horribly painful. With the Nicole Sachs JournalSpeak method, I was really able to change my mindset and never experienced the back pain again (other than some twinges). But the fissure... that kept coming back. Eventually it resolved with a fiber supplement, woohoo! I was free! And I never gave it much thought until I had my baby 18 months ago. Since then, non-stop fissure and other pelvic related symptoms, the most anxiety-inducing and debilitating of which was this horrible fissure pain. Literally a pain in the ass. I knew that I carried so much tension in my pelvic area from a very traumatic birth and postpartum recovery; motherhood was SO MUCH HARDER than I had ever anticipated... keep in mind I had been trying for 5 years to start a family and thought I would finally achieve happiness and fulfillment if I had my miracle baby. Well, imagine my horror when I had my baby and life became infinitely harder.. lack of sleep, traumatic delivery and pelvic pain, fear of my body and that it would never heal from the traumatic event, no time to myself to eat or shower or exercise, the total loss of autonomy that comes from having a baby during COVID in a very cold and blizzardy winter that prevents leaving the house or seeing anyone.. and the resulting depression and anxiety. Motherhood was not at all what I expected and I cried all day every day that I had brought this on myself and brought this helpless baby into this world when I couldn't even love or appreciate him... I tear up as I write this, and anyone who has had a child can probably relate...

I had so much resentment about this huge life change that I felt no one prepared me for (because how could they?). I was so angry at my husband that he now had this beautiful child but I was the one that had to suffer so much to bring him into this world, and continued to suffer from these never ending anal fissures, pelvic pain, stomach issues, weight gain, and then had to be at home with a baby with no chance to rest and no identity outside of being a mom, which I was convinced I absolutely hated (and then felt so guilty about because I HAD WANTED THIS, AFTER ALL).

I met a friend online who had also recently had a baby, suffered from health anxiety and experienced anal fissures... this is what bonded us, actually! We exchanged numbers and would leave multiple 15 minute voice memos for eachother during our days to keep eachother company. She recommended a prescription cream for the fissure that had worked for her (a calcium channel blocker), and it solved the problem for me. Hallelujah!! Other than a few minor discomforts or flare ups, I was pain free for 5 months. We even sold our house, moved into another one (with a 7 month old!), and I was totally fine. And then I started to experience weird IBS symptoms.. the main one was incomplete evacauation/bowel emptying. What the heck? I'd go to the bathroom, and then wouldn't feel done, and then need to go again! This would ignite fear about my fissure getting aggravated and coming back... and it did, hardcore, worse than I ever thought it would.

When was that? It was in October, 5-6 months after I had healed my chronic fissure issue with the "cream". What was going on in my life at the time? My son was turning 1, which brought to the surface all kinds of feelings about my traumatic delivery... he was starting daycare and as a result got horribly sick and had croup (this meant we were up with him all night, holding him upright so he could breathe, for 3 weeks, 3 trips to the ER to check his oxygen levels, etc). I was also going back to work, after a year of maternity leave, to a job I found unfulfilling and had wanted to move on from for years but felt I couldn't while we underwent fertility treatment. Anyway, this fissure flare up lasted at least a month. It was excruciating. And since then, I have had periods of healing (with the cream), and then flare ups that last way longer than they ever did before. I have gone down the rabbit holes of fiber and how much, diet and when and how to eat, achieving the perfect bowel movements, laxatives, magnesium, sitz baths, relaxation, pelvic floor physiotherapy... you name it I've tried it. Hours spent on Reddit forums where people talk about how surgery is the only option and for many of them it resolved the issues but for many of them it didn't and brought them back to square one. Many people talking about how constipation is what caused their fissure, whereas in my experience I was never constipated and it made no sense why I kept getting flare ups.

So anyway, here I am. I have had so much fear around this symptom. I found this proctologist on youtube (the friendly proctologist) who is the only medical expert I've ever heard address the mind-body component of this syndrome. He talks about how it's not as simple as tweaking your fiber, applying a cream, relaxing... all of these go together, along with understanding your STORY. I have also come to believe that these chronic fissures are a way my body is devising to give me an excuse to 'bow out' of being a mom when I really don't want to deal with it... I have seen so little on this topic in the TMS community. It's such an embarrassing symptom to have that I even find it easier to put under the blanket of 'pelvic pain' because that feels less shameful than 'anal fissures'. But I am so determined to tackle this. I KNOW that once an injury heals, if it continues to come back and becomes chronic, there has to have a mind body component. I fully fully believe in this and the concept of TMS. But I have just been unable to bring lasting change to myself using any methods, including JournalSpeak, reading The Great Pain Deception, watching Dan Buglio or any other mind-body practitioners. My mind still says to me 'you have this physical injury, exacerbated by giving birth, and you are going to have to perfectly manage your stress, your diet, your supplements in order to avoid constant flare ups for the rest of your life, and you'll probably still need surgery but even that isn't a guarantee'. This is not sustainable. Shit happens (literally). So I am trying this structured program because I have tried everything else and the structured 'what to do' approach appeals more to me than than the 'know you are okay, go about your day, don't give your symptoms any attention' approach even though I know this is part of it.

I'm not sure anyone will read this but if you do get to the end of it... thank you

 

Thank you so much for your encouraging and thoughtful response @JanAtheCPA. I sooo appreciate it!!

 

Hello Petit bou, Thanks for sharing your story. Anal fissures are so distressing and at such an unfortunate place which is constantly solicited and being harsh reminder ! pain story aside - I find very difficult accept skin flap - bump that formed due to anal fissure - its so mentally distressing and is constant reminder of medical injury (I was injured during anoscopy) ! I started since few days ago associate it as a constant symbol - reminder that I should never ever again to feel any pity for my narc mother !
did your skin tag formed after anal fissure still bother you? is it shrinking back a bit with passing years?
thanks , I really need reassurance to find some peace in everything that's happening to me since last June.