Day 33 Problem with sibling

As I've posted previously, my sister is one of the biggest current stressors for me. I rent a house with my sister, her husband and 2 young daughters (with a boy on the way). The kids are loud, but that doesn't bother me very often. However, my sister's behavior and attitude bring back bad memories of growing up. She is very rude to her husband, on a daily basis. She demeans and criticizes him with the nastiest tone of voice. He is very patient with her, and rarely returns the attitude. That wasn't quite the same dynamic as my own divorced parents, but the general unhappiness in the household brings back strong emotions from my teenage years in the couple years leading up to the divorce. In many ways, I do empathize with her because she also deals with chronic pain. She has always been a very emotional person. She's been to therapy and marriage counseling in the past. I'm not sure she even hears herself while yelling at her husband. It would probably shock her.

I've talked with both my sister and her husband separately about this. She claims to understand that there is a problem with her attitude, but I've seen no improvement. I'm genuinely worried about their marriage. I couldn't imagine being treated like that for years and years. Between both my sisters marriages and my parent's failed marriage, I fear the thought of one day being in that type of relationship. Although my parent's marriage did not work out, they were still very good to us kids. My sister's attitude toward her kids are starting to worry me. Her patience is lacking, and she yells far more than I think is necessary. I would hate for the kids to have resentment toward my sister as they get older. My sister's pain and anxiety plague her everyday. I've discussed TMS with her, and she definitely sees a link between her pain and her anxiety, but she's still convinced that her physical ails are structural due to doctor's diagnosis.

I would love for her to give the TMS treatment a try, but I feel as though she is entrenched in the "I am a disabled person" mindset. My hope is that my future success will convince her that she could possibly be pain-free. I love my sister very much, and I have a lot of respect for running her household. As CS Lewis once said: "The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career." I can imagine that much of her stress stems from the challenges of taking care of young children, homemaking, and being a wife. That said, I do know how it feels to be a child in a broken home.

Is there something I should be doing to help her? Can I still heal while living in a household that brings back painful memories of my childhood?

- Matt

 

Hi Matt, You sound like a very empathetic person, you really care about your sister, her kids and her husband and really wish things turn out well for them.

But I hope you extend that same empathy towards yourself and would spend the same energy into making sure things are ok for you too. I only say this because I noticed a lot of language devoted to others but not much to you. Maybe I'm misreading it because this is a post in isolation.

It sounds very trying on you living in that environment. Do you think you can step back from it a bit and realise your sister's family situation is pretty much outside of your control? Just a thought based on my reading of it....

My other thought is, what if you sat down with both of them and told them your concerns as you said you've spoken to them only individually. A potential problem might be that that may invite a lot more emotional turmoil for you to have to deal with.

My gut feeling is heal yourself first. Hope this helps.