Day 4 Progress of sorts, 4 days in

TL;DR: Things are going well. Something feels different. Still figuring out what all of this means. Feeling extremely grateful for all of you kind people offering your support.

I've been progressing steadily through the Structured Education Program. Today (Day 4) was probably the hardest-hitting. I completed the list exercise where you document past traumas/stressors, current traumas/stressors, and personality traits. As I mentioned in my first post, I wasn't finding any trauma when I reviewed my history. After some digging in with my fiance (she and I debrief after I complete each lesson (God, I love this woman)), she explained that my parents arguing a lot of the time growing up could in fact leave a mark. My perspective was that I felt very loved as a kid and no one hit anyone and no one abused anyone and therefore there wasn't any trauma. Perhaps that was naive in retrospect. So now I'm wondering, "what was my dad so mad about?" He had a lot of anger. And spoiler alert: I'm angry too.

@Booble mentioned in another post that I'm likely angry and I didn't know it. Well, turns out they were right. When I reviewed the list of personality traits, the only one that resonated with me was Stoic. After lots of discussion, I realized others apply to me as well:

Legalist: I love being right. A lot. More on this later.
Anger and Hostility: I am quick to anger. I had associated "real anger" with screaming or an altercation, which I never do (I'm in so much control of my emotions that I never lose my cool when shit hits the fan or in stressful situations). But I'm realizing (or at least opening myself up to the idea that) I have a low level of anger percolating at all times. If someone is driving like an idiot, I am quick to lay on the horn. When my fiance told me I was being a little too intense about this, I countered with, "Listen, laying on the horn lets them know they are being stupid. It jolts them into realizing they need to put down the phone and notice traffic signs." (see also: Legalist). If I don't do this, they will continue their dumb, dangerous behavior. She responded that I could just tap the horn. And I had to think about that. Tapping the horn would in fact be fine. No need to lay on it for 3 seconds. And sometimes I would stare at the bad driver to "drive home the point," whatever that means. Apologies if this sounds like the behavior of a madman. I feel like I'm just now seeing things that I guess would be fairly obvious to most. But it wasn't obvious to me. Which is why I'm here and in this situation.

Another thing I've been working through: My dad is an alcoholic and has been so for the last 50 years. He definitely represses anger (does a poor job of it, too) and I'm wondering he drinks because of that anger. I have felt quite lucky that I don't have an alcohol problem. I'm so aware that he has a problem that I'm vigilant of myself and my habits. But it's been easy to maintain a good relationship with alcohol. Almost too easy. And then it occurred to me: perhaps I have the same anger and rage he does, but for me, it expresses itself through all of the repetitive stress, back pain, and the coterie of other ways my body doesn't work.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind.

Crying a bit as I write this.

Feel like I'm processing stuff that I never gave any time to. My body doesn't feel any different for now–my problems tend to happen from activity. I never get random pain. It's always connected to use and certain types of actions (typing, standing, sitting in chairs without back support). So perhaps I'll notice improvement later. But I almost don't care. Part of that is because Healing Back Pain says not to fixate on feeling better; the point is to recognize and confront painful painful emotions. So that's what I'm doing.

I do want to thank all of you people for being here. I've been dealing with this shit for so long and no one can relate to this and it feels like many of you have "been here before." I am grateful for your support and each and every one of your replies and comments.

—Edgerton

 

Hi Edgerton,

Glad to see you are sticking with the program! I was also tightly in control of my emotions until a few years ago when the stress of working a full-time job and running a business (while constantly being criticized by my angry husband - but that's a different story), that I began to have panic attacks. I still have all those stressors, and it's early in the program for me as well, but when I read your post, I thought that perhaps - like me - it's keeping those emotions so tightly in check that is at the root of your (and my) pain. Perhaps allowing ourselves to feel those emotions - really feel them - is what will free us.

All the best!
Ruth

 

Perhaps allowing ourselves to feel those emotions - really feel them - is what will free us.
Yep! I'm hoping this in indeed what happens.

Wishing you success as well with the program, Ruth!

 

Thanks @JanAtheCPA! You are a gem here.

 

I concur with the others.
Great job with uncovering so much so quickly. Isn't it remarkable how stuff is right there and yet we never thought of it as impacting us?

I think that's part of the Legalist.
We love being right. And the corollary to that, hate being wrong.
If crap impacts us, our inner self thinks of that as being "wrong." At least that is how it is with me I think. "Stuff can't impact me! I'm better than that!"

PS. Welcome to the "my parents argued a lot" club!