Progress report and please encourage me.

I've gotten better. Much better. I think when I started on here over a year back, I had so much OCD about my pain, so much fear, toe spasms, fear of running, pain after running in my knee, fear of certain shoes, foot pain, and I'd say that the fear was almost worse than the pain.

Now, I no longer have toe spasms in the healed seismod. I no longer have pain in my knee when walking down the stairs, after showering. I can stand on one foot and bend that knee with zero or minimal pain. This was virtually impossible over a year back. It was excruciating. I still have fear when bending it, but the fear does not translate into pain, now. Even though I do feel it. Or sometimes it does, but it's inconsistent.

I shot a feature film last year that needed me to really push myself physically, and that really helped me accept it was TMS. I had no time to be afraid, and survived the entire week, hours of standing, and long gruesome hours. That really helped me. So, there's been progress. Anxiety has been spiking, recently. Many unknowns in my life and it's overwhelming me. Money is stressing me. A lot, and my future.

I just started a ten week bootcamp in healing from TMS. "Menda" is its name. Been seeing an IFS Therapist, but need some extra support as I've been living with the 10% pain left and sort of ignoring it and since it isn't so bad and I can live with it, I have been, but gotten to the point where I'm done with it too. I'm tired of the 10%. I can't imagine what it would be like being 100% pain free. Like no pain, nothing. Wow. The foot and knee stuff have been going on for 10 years. !

At this point my main problem is conditioned responses. Pain in the knee always goes up with running. And fear of that pain is high. So I stopped running. I kept running for four months despite the ensuing pain last year- noticed some days had less pain than others, I think there was even a day I had no pain; despite the fear.

But I never did crack the code, and when I suffered an injury, my first thought was, oh yes, now I don't have to keep pushing myself to recover from this knee pain. Wow. I guess I was attacking my body to heal, forcing it to drop its defense mechanisms, and my body decided to attack me back, and literally i lost feeling in my right foot and fell on the concrete staircase, and that's how I injured myself, and then had the ensuing thought.

Since then I stopped running and now only do intense cardio- usually all standing, and has better results. I took myself running two weeks ago and the same famliar knee pain came back, and went after a day. #frustrating.

So yeah, pain in my knee with high activity, pain in my foot with high activity, with varying degrees. The foot pain is live-able, the knee pain after activity is actually hard. So been avoiding that activity. Still working ojut 3* a week. Those workouts are INTENSE. I get some minimal pain afterwards but not enough to stop working out. Mostly just my foot tightening up, and sometimes not even my knee.

Feeling discouraged about the conditioned responses though.

Maybe a part of me questions if its TMS, maybe a part of me knows it is, but is frustrated that it is still there after all the work I've done on learning about TMS. Maybe a part of me is afraid. A part of me wonders if people heal from conditioned responses and if I can be one of them.

Hopeful about the 10 week journey in Menda. Someone please talk to and encourage me.

 

Hello! day 29 TMS program: yesterday for the first time ever, I had headache and I decided not to take any pill. I stopped and I asked to my headache:" what do you want? You want me to take a pill, I won't. I'm committed to relax in spite of you, and I'm committed to watch a stupid and relaxing tv show". Well, after a while, it went away.
I'm more connected with my emotions, and yes, it's often uncomfortable. It is. But they, the emotions, are the pills. The connection with them is the pill. I've anxiety, I feel weird, the pain is spread, and so forth, but yes, I feel that I'm releasing years of repressed emotions. Go on. The pain is here for example, right now while writing. It CAME UP NOW, beacuase I'm writing things that "shouldn't" be brought to the surface. And so, pain came back. Go on. Talk with your pain from your deepest self. Go on!

 

Boy do we all need encouragement sometimes! It certainly is reasonable to ask.

And do I ever get your frustration with knee pain - I have a 2 page thread here in this forum about it in fact - it's been a tough nut to crack for me for sure.

Unless I missed it, I didn't see where you indicated any reasons you thought the knee pain was TMS? I'd be interested to hear because "fact sheets" or "pro and con" lists seem to help me deal with TMS pain, and have been a help with my own knee issue.

 

You have done an amazing job! I am looking forward to being where you are.
In the book “Defying The Verdict” Tamara describes many plateaus. They happen. She decided to keep doing her “work” meditation, noting and feeling her emotions, and accepting that she had 90% success (glass half full idea, looking at what you have gained is much more self compassionate!). Have some compassion for your long struggle, all you have accomplished. If you had a friend who had as much success as you have had, would you not mention the 90% success and congratulate them? Isn’t it awesome you can hard workouts with minimal pain? Love that! Accept where you are, and that the 10% is coming. Patience, ask what that 10% needs from you.