Re visiting

Hi
I've been here before, around 2 years ago after 3 years of chronic pain (now over 5). I explored some of the concepts of TMS and the tools to recover. Read all the books, let go of crutches and physical treatments, consulted with a TMS practitioner, she was lovely, very skilled, but I just don't think I was ready, still expressed some resistance, not overtly, but I just didn't buy into the concept enough, it was the wrong time? I made some minor progress but never enough to convince me. Tbh, I became worn down by trying recommended TMS tools but never seeing good enough results and was spending too much time agonising over my thoughts, what I was doing wrong, what else to to try, that I eventually threw the towel in and decided to try ignore my pain and just get on with life.

It worked to a degree, and I eventually managed to begin working freelance again, going on holidays, exercising a little, socialising. I changed quite dramatically over this time, both personally and in how people perceived me. My friends think I'm a happy, slightly wild, energetic, hugely confident woman. In contrast, I feel tired much of the time, spend too much time just laying and staring, have experienced social phobia but play the extrovert role to try escape the trap of chronic pain. I continue to have daily pain that moves around but is mostly settled in my right low back or left leg. Sitting and walking was difficult most days and my sleep has been very poor. Still continue with flares which put me in bed for a day or two. I'm an ex pro cyclist, I'm pretty tough and would drag myself out and get stuck in again to life.

The last 2 years have been the most complex of my life, trying to cope with chronic pain and pretending to the world it isn't there. I've also made some personal decisions that have created more stress, and continue to cause me stress. There are some things I cant change presently, ironically they both contribute and relieve my pain. I see how my relationships and experiences with people can worsen and improve my pain. I've had some cathartic moments where I see an amazing shift in my pain only to be disappointed when I cant seem to reproduce the same experience.

Anyway, Im back on board. Not sure how or why I came back, maybe my subconscious gave me the answers and gently reminded me of TMS. I really believe I create me own pain and I alone can reverse it. I'm just not sure right now how to do it so im starting with self dialogue and the structured program here on the TMS website. I spent 5 days in hospital last week with terrible back pain. I could hardly walk or bend. MRI showed usual stuff, Annular tears, minor Spondylolisthesis. I know this isn't the pain generator now, a few days ago I was convinced and desperately trying to figure out how I could accelerate healing, who should I see to help fix me. I believed running on the tread mill triggered this particularly difficult flare. It was more likely the fear of running on the tread mill that triggered this event. I've done some TMS work this morning and read lots of recovery stories and I'm doing much better. Is it the TMS work or the Pregabalin?? See still not totally convinced.

I should also mention, fear cripples me some days. Fear of getting worse, not being able to take care of my 3 kids, letting clients down, friends etc...I see how all this contributes, but fear is a tough one to overcome. However, I've had a chat with my subconscious and acknowledged the fear but been clear with it I will over come it, in my time in a kind and patient way. I've got an appointment next week with a psychotherapist, I think its time I had a safe place to express my fear, anger, frustration, sadness without damaging a relationship. I've discovered partners and friends despite how loving and supportive they are, are not a good place to express these things, they have difficulty dealing with it. It may seem right at the time but eventually it poisons your relationship with them as does pain, its seeps into every part of your life and systematically destroys it.

Someone once said (some say it was Einstein, but who cares) "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results." Well I'm not doing that any more, I'm back on board and will keep doing TMS work until I'm pain free like so many of you. Good to be back.

Parker