Day 32 Realising mistakes aren't the end of the world and pain moving around.

The question to ponder today is "When was the last time you made a mistake? How did it make you FEEL?".

This is a good one! I can't remember the day where I didn't make some sort of mistake, especially at work. I normally just make very little mistakes that really even really a problem. I am always so hard on myself though. In my head I call myself an idiot, stupid, dumb, get angry at myself etc.

I have read on here that this negative self talk just makes TMS worse, so I have tried to stop being so hard on myself, and just laugh it off. I am so stuck in the habit of self critical thinking, that it's difficult to escape it! Or I get stuck dwelling on the mistake I just made, instead of moving on. I think I am making vague progress though, at least I realise what I am doing makes TMS pain worse, before I didn't even realise!

Sometimes someone else makes a mistake, but then I end up blaming myself as I didn't anticipate the problem, and could have prevented them from making it. Thinking about it, sometimes I do take the blame for something when it's not even my fault. It feels like the right thing to do, but I can see how deep down it will make me angry.

That reminds me on an unrelated note, sometimes people try and make feel bad/guilty for something that isn't my fault. I have a coworker, who always wants to chat, but I don't particularity enjoy speaking to them. I say speaking, they do all the talking, and I have to do all the listening! I try and politely excuse myself, but then they accuse me of being rude (because I won't listen to junk). I would get so angry inside, as they are being rude (it's rude to talk at someone). They are making me listen to their junk, when I don't want to! I am too polite to call them rude, and bottle my anger up. It's no wonder I get a load of TMS pain.

What makes me angry as well, is when take advantage of my personality as well. They know I wont be rude (because I bottle everything up and try and suppress it), and get me to do things I don't want to do. I am trying to stop this though, but I have dug myself a massive hole I need to get out of.

Going back to the original point of this post. I keep trying to go through a day without making a single mistake (perfectionist personality). However I find this nearly impossible! I think this makes me angry, as it's difficult to do a lot without making even one tiny mistake. I think I need to accept that small insignificant mistakes are ok, and to not get bothered by them. I probably need to focus on how I deal with mistakes (at the moment badly), instead of not making mistakes. Ok that feels like some sort of breakthrough!

The thing with TMS I struggle with is not realising I need to make changes, but actually making them and getting out of bad destructive habits.

I feel like I have only scratched the surface of my TMS problems!

One last thing I wanted to write about "....If you do get a new symptom, feel free to post about it in the forum, so you can see if anyone else went through a similar experience. I used to get a lot of foot pain. However recently it's been much more back pain/stiffness. The back does get kind of painful, but mainly just very tight! If I am distracted it's normally fine, but when I think about it, it seems a lot worse and makes me worried.

What is weird I never used to get back pain. One day at the gym someone asked me if I get back pain, as my back looked tight when I was exercising. I said no, my back is fine. Then from then on, I am pretty sure my back pain got worse. It's like they planted a seed of doubt about my back, and it grew into a great oak! I hope that makes sense.

I was going to journal in addition to this post, but I feel like I have covered a lot today. The idea of more writing makes me angry, so I'm going to stop.

If you have read any of this, thanks. All this writing does feel like great self therapy. Thank god for this website.