Day 15 Right on time

After two weeks of relative peace, except a brief bout of LPR/GERD symptoms (losing my voice wouldn’t you know), I woke up to an infrequent symptom of pelvic pain along with my old friend low back pain.

From working this program, I’m taking a new approach although I did take ibuprofen and am using a heating pad to assuage my pain. Somatic tracking my pain with curiosity and messages of safety.

I know why it happened! And that’s the good news. Now I need to make a decision. Here’s why. I’ve recently dusted off a book I wrote, thinking I would pick up where I left off when my husband’s long illness required me to stop writing just after publishing my first book. However, going deeper into the story, I realized how angry I was back then. (likely still am) Still, as I progressed into the storyline, I decided to give my character a change of heart, a healing of sorts, but haven’t yet developed that story arc.

Well, as some of you know, most writing is semi-autobiographical. And my characters are loosely based on dead loved ones. Grrr! Thus, old hurts sprang up as I worked on revising the book. This morning, I am physically feeling the pain.

I’m debating whether to trash my work or keep writing. If I trash it, I can avoid the past which I’ve journaled about many times. If I re-write it, it could be cathartic, albeit inviting more symptoms.

I want this story to be told as it follows a series but I am unsure of my courage to go forward. It will be at a price.

 

The price is your freedom.
I am also a writer (although on this forum I just let it flow, so you might not know it ). I write non-fiction, but had three deadlines during the worst of my pain and anxiety. I was really afraid the pieces would sound wooden, and they were really hard to write because I had emotional relationships with the subjects in that I was writing about things that were very important to me. However through the writing I was able to explore and challenge values, personality traits, fearing memories and old emotions but ultimately, these became a sort of love letter not only to myself but my subjects. The last is particularly stellar, so much so that the publisher is using quotes as their main form of advertising (previously, they would write their own ad bi-lines).
Take your time!
Explore how you can do this. Maybe try some short stories first. I thought of my writing as sort of an unsent letter.. that I ended up sending. My first try at this was to write a letter to a friend who was dying, and I sent that letter. I needed to get used to being open to having other sets of eyes see the vulnerability in my writing. That was so helpful in my making the decision to keep on writing and publishing.

 

Hello, Writers! Moi aussi!

I wish I could read something you’ve each written, but I guess it would break your anonymity.

@Mtnjac , I’ve always found it’s harder than it looks to resurrect old work. But, it might be cathartic, as you say. Maybe just try it and see how it feels. That’s cool you spotted where your new symptoms came from!

 

Cactusflower: I’ve read and reread your thoughtful post. As another author, you seem to understand my quandary. If I continue to resurrect this book, written at a critical juncture in my past life, do I gain freedom as I examine/acknowledge my feelings of old? Or do I simply perpetuate my pain and anger by even attempting to revise it? These are not easily answerable questions, but somehow I get from your post an alignment of necessity to continue.

Like the passion you have for your work, my story has been calling me to get back to it. When I thought I was emotionally ready, I was surprised at how raw I felt revisiting particular characters and scenes. They are screaming for mercy! Am I? Can I write a better life for my alias?

My reactions indicate that I could eventually benefit from rewriting it and understanding the themes at a deeper level. In general, I think it’s a good tale, but EGADS! it is also dark.

Thank you for your input. I empathize with the deadlines and pain you described. As I was about to publish my first book, the pain was so bad, I developed the belief that I could not sit. Like you, I forced myself to get it done. I think the stress, coupled with worry about my Beloved’s health and care, started my TMS in earnest. That was in 2012-13. Sigh.

 

Hey again Diana-M,

Thank you for chiming in. You are so right about old work. My publisher suggested a new book, but was still open to looking at this one since it continues a series.

For some reason, I had my heart set on continuing where I left off. I had put years into these works and when interrupted so cruelly by my Beloved’s poor health and pending death, my dream of writing into the sunset burst. It has taken me this long to recover so that I even have the wits to readdress that dream.

My higher self says to do it. But perhaps my higher self is a liar, a fraud, a wired-up brain focused on what might have been, rather than what is. I do know this though. I need to find my bliss. Writing is my voice. Always has been my salvation and my bliss. The question is: do I give this book mouth-to-mouth or let it die? There’s my answer. Would I let ME die?

My gratitude to you, who helps me think.

 

Please! let the book and you live! Never too late for dreams to come true.

 

Jan,

I’m having a difficult time learning how to post in sections! Where might I find a tutorial?

Thank you for the article! I think envisioning the Door process is going to be helpful along with your practical advice re journaling vs the creative.

While I have learned to free-write while journaling, contrary to my creative writing training, I tend to give a first-edit to my books as I go. (Perfectionism)

I want to try what you have suggested. As I loosen my habits, the outcomes could be surprisingly good!

Many thanks to you and others for caring!

 

@Mtnjac
What’s to say that you need to return to this writing now? You could start something else, you could start again (many authors do!), you could give yourself time…
And.. you can make a decision and then change your mind!

 

The pressures we place on ourselves! Thank you for the reminder that my options are endless!

 

Thank you Jan!